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Original poster

Partner won’t marry me

964 replies

Everythingwillbeokk · 29/09/2024 13:06

Partner simply refuses to marry me. He is divorced, has 2 kids. I have never been married, also have 2 kids.

Together for 5 years, lived together for 3. I’ve made it clear I want marriage and commitment, he has made it clear he doesn’t - states he only ever wanted to get married once and it didn’t work out

He also refuses to commit to buying a house together and states it is because he wants only his children to benefit from his estate when he dies. I contribute to his mortgage and when I have really pushed the ‘if you died tomorrow what would you expect?’ He has literally said he would want me to continue paying the entire mortgage and if/when I sell then the entire equity falls to his children - I have told him this will therefore leave me in a position where I will potentially be homeless and elderly. Also he has a good pension set up, again he would not want me to benefit from this in the event of his death.

So I’ve given him an ultimatum - I’ve told him that if there’s no marriage, no commitment in any way, house purchase etc - then I am leaving. I have also started looking at rentals/smaller houses I can buy (I have a small deposit and a good income, I actually earn more than him)

Please someone tell me I am not BU 😓

OP posts:
New posts on this thread. Refresh page
OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon · 05/10/2024 16:50

The latest update - today - is on the new thread...

Savingthehedgehogs · 05/10/2024 15:35

Good luck op!! Go for it

AmberAlert86 · 05/10/2024 08:11

@Everythingwillbeokk How did it go? I hope you are ok

Silvers11 · 04/10/2024 22:37

Everythingwillbeokk · 04/10/2024 18:54

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/5180232-partner-wont-marry-me-thread-2

New thread all - was concerned we might fill up comments this evening. Will continue to post on this old one though until it’s full

Thanks OP. Hope all went OK tonight

FofB · 04/10/2024 22:31

Op- a practical suggestion; my youngest has the tiny box room. We put her room measurements into a page on the IKEA website and it made a brilliant storage system; fold down desk, floor to ceiling storage, drawers- all packed into a small space. She loves it!

2022NewTimes · 04/10/2024 21:55

Everythingwillbeokk · 29/09/2024 21:01

I’m going to ring the estate agents in the local area tomorrow. With thought, the house near to us that came up for rent earlier this year didn’t go on right move for weeks, but was on the local estate agents website within days - I only know this because out of pure interest at how much they were marketing it for I had a look. So I’m thinking maybe if I try to get calls from them directly instead? I’ve got quite a specific area. I’m in a really good financial position, good credit rating, savings - and I can also gain a good reference from my previous letting agency too. Fingers crossed something comes up quickly. I hate that I’m having to do this, but I know it’s the right thing to do, and I have my little team, me and my kids.

The air BnB one I just couldn’t do - it was depressing to say the least. I mean, I’m desperate but I just couldn’t put my kids in there.

Show quote history

@Everythingwillbeokk When I was moving out of the marital home I rang estate agents who gave me names of local letting agents. The house I ended up renting for two years the letting agent only got the keys that morning and it had not been marketed yet...
So definitely call them to get your name on the list !!

AcrossthePond55 · 04/10/2024 21:26

@Everythingwillbeokk

Best of luck. Remember that you are entitled to shut down the conversation at any point for any reason or no reason at all. He is not entitled to lecture or harangue, nor to follow you about 'speechifying' if you have said "This conversation is done". I do think you should probably also prepare that for him this 'session' is to bitch/complain about you and/or to give you 1000 reasons why you should stay because he is the best thing ever. He's not likely to sit patiently whilst you explain why you're unhappy with him. And even if he does, it's not likely he'll change on a permanent basis. Remember, he has a helluva lot more to lose (financially and 'domestically') than you do.

As far as the list you made (good for you!) I'd suggest you memorize the main points but not pull it out and read from it. That might appear 'antagonizing' to him. Plus, you don't want him snatching off you, it'll be good for you to have if/when you get into counseling to remind yourself of what you DON'T want.

AmberAlert86 · 04/10/2024 19:28

I didn't realise it was tonight either! I will look out for your update post, or just tell us that you're safe.
I wouldn't talk to him, if he doesn't start talking to you.

OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon · 04/10/2024 19:13

Seen the new thread, and commented.

but now realise it's tonight ! not tomorrow that you are ' talking ' ! good luck

and you sound as if you have taken your safety into consideration.

if he gets angry and throws you out, can you stay at Mums until further notice ?

LushLemonTart · 04/10/2024 19:11

That's great news. Think you need a new thread! Maybe a different title 🤔

Hedgewitch123 · 04/10/2024 19:07

Of course he wants to take up your time talking but only when he is ready. Would you expect anything else?

Mugcake · 04/10/2024 19:03

Good luck tonight, stay strong, don't let him gaslight you or belittle your feelings. Try and be as unemotional as possible, it'll wrong foot him.

NippyCrab · 04/10/2024 18:59

Gold luck OP been following, stay safe and stick to your guns xx

Original poster
Everythingwillbeokk · 04/10/2024 18:59

Tae1 · 04/10/2024 18:52

OP, do not get tied to the idea that a property is meant for you.
A property can be suitable for a variety of reasons.
Decades ago I was very stuck and moved into a shit hole that had cock roaches 🙄disaster.
However, one month later a fab apartment in the best location, super low rent, fell into my lap and I was able to move in quickly.
I blissfully lived there for 5 years. My husband actually moved in with me as I wouldn't move from the apartment as the deal and location was too perfect.
If I hadn't moved into the shithole for a month, I wouldn't have gotten it.
The first house may work for you short term too.
Wishing you well.

Honestly house number 2 is PERFECT!!!! Will mean that DS is in a box room but because there’s a huge living space, I’ve already considered that I could allow for him to have some storage there for his trainer collection, and things he doesn’t wear all the time. It’s just finding a solution, even if it’s temporary. I’m actually thinking with the living space - it’s open plan but is still in 3 distinct sections - that I can do a kids lounge area, and have a separate ‘grown up’ lounge and dining area too. I think this is a decent compromise and I think the kids would love it

OP posts:
Original poster
Everythingwillbeokk · 04/10/2024 18:54

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/5180232-partner-wont-marry-me-thread-2

New thread all - was concerned we might fill up comments this evening. Will continue to post on this old one though until it’s full

Partner won’t marry me (thread 2) | Mumsnet

Continuation of the thread of the same name 😁

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/5180232-partner-wont-marry-me-thread-2

OP posts:
Trixiefirecracker · 04/10/2024 18:53

Good luck for tonight OP! X

Tae1 · 04/10/2024 18:52

OP, do not get tied to the idea that a property is meant for you.
A property can be suitable for a variety of reasons.
Decades ago I was very stuck and moved into a shit hole that had cock roaches 🙄disaster.
However, one month later a fab apartment in the best location, super low rent, fell into my lap and I was able to move in quickly.
I blissfully lived there for 5 years. My husband actually moved in with me as I wouldn't move from the apartment as the deal and location was too perfect.
If I hadn't moved into the shithole for a month, I wouldn't have gotten it.
The first house may work for you short term too.
Wishing you well.

Original poster
Everythingwillbeokk · 04/10/2024 18:39

Will add a new thread tomorrow once I have an update on my evening. It’s the night we are talking so I’ll be very interested to see what he comes out with - and indeed how he tries to shoot down all my points against him

I have now increased all my ‘issues’ with him to 2 full pages of A4 paper, typed and printed. It was quite therapeutic writing it all down, I can see just how unreasonable he has been, what an utter love blind fool I have been. Just got home - and would you believe I’m actually sat here waiting until he is ready to talk! I’ll give him till 8pm then I’ll just start

For anyone worried about me - I’ve 2 friends within a short walking distance I can go to. And I have another friend who is checking on me from a distance - we’ve arranged for me to show as active on my WhatsApp every half hour as a check in. If they don’t get a check in they are calling me/coming over. They also have an emergency number to call - a cop we know who is also off duty this evening but on call for me.

I have also decided once this is all over and I’ve moved on to get some counselling sessions. I just want to be me again.

OP posts:
Hedgewitch123 · 04/10/2024 18:05

Please make new thread and tag link here. I've been invested inn the story and would hate to miss how it ends, like poster above and so many others.

Congratulations on new steps, I love seeing strong women getting out of situations ifs really inspiring.

Your story will help others. Keep going op and keep us posted. We all rooting for you.

DollieBantrysPantry · 04/10/2024 17:17

I agree with you OP, you werent meant to have the house you saw today because you like this second one so much better! Wish you all the best in that you get it, you deserve it

Londonrach1 · 04/10/2024 16:44

Hopefully ll is on your and routing for you too ... stranger things have happened...

Original poster
Everythingwillbeokk · 04/10/2024 16:41

Ok I’ll start writing a letter this weekend ready for next week - then I’ve got plenty time to add to it or change it. I might also see if I can get a reference from the previously lettings agency from years ago. I’ll mention also about the offer to pay rent in advance and tell them a little bit about all of us.

Hopefully we will get this one! Area wise it’s slightly further away from DDs school but still in the catchment for the high school - definitely as I saw kids from that school heading in that direction this afternoon!

I think the one this afternoon didn’t work out for a reason - I think it wasn’t meant for me.

OP posts:
PorridgeEater · 04/10/2024 16:38

I sympathise with wanting to write a letter but personally would be a tiny bit wary about giving away too much personal information - you don't know how people will react - but offering good deposit / possible extra rent sounds a good idea! The landlord's main concern may be making sure his property is kept in good condition.

BIossomtoes · 04/10/2024 16:24

ThatWardrobe · 04/10/2024 16:23

I know someone who wrote a letter explaining why she was the best tenant to choose and was chosen. What do you have to lose! When do you have to pay a deposit for the first one if that goes through though?

I did it too - a very long time ago. Apparently my letter swung it.

ThatWardrobe · 04/10/2024 16:23

I know someone who wrote a letter explaining why she was the best tenant to choose and was chosen. What do you have to lose! When do you have to pay a deposit for the first one if that goes through though?