To go nc with Dsis over private school ?

I see the dynamic OP.

If she's always been more intelligent than you - or at least posited that idea in your head she's worried your DS is getting a 'better' education and will turn out brighter and with better grades than her DD, making her feel inferior to you for the first time in her life and this area appears to be important to her.

it sounds like her ego and identity are very much tied to her image of being 'clever' and she can't let it go for that reason because her DD is her by extension. She's worried her 'value' to herself and the outside world will slide because possibly your DS will do better. (No guarantee of this of course. Plenty of state school kids do very well and work their arses off in difficult conditions and her DD could be one of these. Likewise there are plenty of private schools that don't get great results at all!)

What do you have in your relationship that you are better at?

Sometimes these things are balanced until an divergence like this comes along and unsettles it all.

She may also think in some unarticulated way that you have undermined her by choosing private because it sounds like she mostly teaches in state school. So by sending private you're saying her job/her whole identity isn't good enough. Ouch. That's a core human truth we all feel - not good enough.

Has she watched this documentary

it sort of shows all sides. For the right person, private school is brilliant. For those that don't need any sort of leg up in life, like the young lady who became a doctor going to Cambridge, she was focused from the start and achieved her dreams anyway.

This may polarise her more watching this.

I'd start to big up state education, her DD, saying you think it's a wonderful school, it's a great place to send her DD, that you've only chosen private because your DS is a bit sensitive and may even have special needs or something l like that.

if you read "the power of now workbook" by Eckhart Tolle it really reveals how many of us act angry and threatened when our status and external image feel threatened. Ego death.

This is what's happening to your Dsis. You need to reassure her that you still think she's amazing and wonderful and clever and intelligent and her DD will do amazing at her state school (because she almost certainly will!) and try to reassure her that you love her.

This is a very 'evolved' way of looking at things. Most people will just have a huge argument and never speak again.

Good luck with the journey of growth!

Final tip: and read the comments below for extra learning!

What's that got to do with anything?

This is parental choice not professional

NC is the nuclear option. It frequently tends to be a permanent solution and you need to be mindful that if you go down this track there might be no coming back.

If you go NC then be absolutely certain this is what you want. A bee in her bonnet about schools - even if it does buzz way too loudly and too often - doesn't necessitate the extremity of complete estrangement, however temporary. That is, not without some far more serious reason or underlying pattern.

Sis is clearly uncomfortable with her own decisions and is seeking to validate them by undermining yours. And she's going about it in a very annoying way and this behaviour is turning her into a repetitive and extremely tedious pain in the arse. I don't think I would baulk at telling her so.

I'd say (publicly) "Hello Sis, shall we get the (snotty) private school comment over now and get it out of the way?

In state school he would have been severely bullied

You know that for a fact do you? Would it surprise you to know that lots of kids have a tough time in state school and teachers/ pupils are very understanding. Equally in many private schools bullying remains a massive issue.

Honestly this massive prejudice against all state schools is really wrong- and if this is the sort of nonsense you come out with or frankly even genuinely believe I’m not surprised your DSis feels she has to keep correcting you. It’s like you’ve judged every state school based on Grange Hill c1991.

I think after just over a week it’s hard to tell which school is better.

I'm going from my own conversations with friends on this and maybe I wasn't clear enough / I meant iGCSE which is rumoured to be easier and not offered by state schools here.

And that's 'without diplomacy'?? Much better 'Look keep you neb out of what doesn't concern you, green isn't your best colour'.

Picking the best exam board isn't limited to private schools, all schools do it and always have, even in the old 'O' levels when NUJMB was always known to be the hardest! Sorry of that doesn't play into the private school rhetoric on here.

What worries me (given that all schools have bullies), is that if he does get bullied, you won't believe him because you seem hell bent on convincing yourself it wouldn't happen in this school.

I wouldn't cut your sister off because she might be the one he needs to go to, if he has any school problems.

Before you go no contact you should confront her without so much diplomacy. When she makes the inevitable comment just respond "DSIS everytime I see you we have the same discussion and it's getting tiresome. You made your daughters school choice and I have made my sons and I would appreciate it if you kept your criticism of it to yourself. I don't want to discuss the school any more and I don't want you criticising the choice to my son. He is happy there and that is what matters"

She is entitled to an opinion although constantly voicing it would wind me up too.

As I used to say to my mother she is entitled to her opinion on anything but she no reason to expect her opinion to be of any value!

Nope, it's just removing yourself from a bullying scold who harasses you every time you see them.

Everyone has the right not to spend time with a bullying scold.

I disagree with Dsis viewpoint and behaviour. I just don’t think you go NC because you disagree on an ultimately limited and relatively unimportant issue.

Interesting.

Perhaps the OP's DS has opened up to his aunt about his feelings, but feels he can't open up to the OP as she won't hear a bad word against the school?

Food for thought.

Sounds like overall you need to be a bit more assertive in the relationship with your sister.

It's unreasonable to go no contact. Just tell her you are done discussing it, as it's petty.

You’ve basically asked a forum full of DSISes.. 😆

But if she chooses not to send her dd to private school she doesn’t get the same chunk of money you do?

I’d never treat my kids that way.

Just simply change the topic - I do this with one of my brothers who is super fit and drones on about fitness and how I ought to do more exercise etc, even though I'm not very fat and am relatively fit compared to many, but sadly lacking in the 6ft+ genes of most of the rest of the family. Every time he changes the subject to 'fitness' and the comment comes, I reply with 'I hear the weather is being nice/sunny/foul/unusually wet/snow in Boston at the moment' (relevant as our mother went once and loved Boston, and talked about the trip for months ). Has taken 2 years but he has learnt to not mention I ought to do more exercise.

Is this wonderful private school the same school that's making your son miserable?

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/parenting/5161386-school-phobia-secondary-school

Sounds amazing

Just have a phrase you repeat every time she mentions your DS' school. E.g. I don't wish to discuss this. Or simply change the subject. Stay calm.

If you stop responding, she'll eventually get the message.