For husbands ex to be mentioned at FILs funeral

I doubt the mention of your DH's ex girlfriend will be a very big part of the speech it will probably just be something like 'Bob was so pleased when his son David met Sally and they gave Bob the gift of his first grandchild' and the speech will then move on to other stuff. It won't be a long and gushing tribute to the ex girlfriend, so don't worry about it.

Sorry for your loss.

I’m glad you’ve accepted that your initial post was very unreasonable. However, you continue to say that your behaviour with your ex’s family is “respectful” and you wish your husband’s ex had done as you have. That indicates that you still think you’re in the right. But you’re not. You made choices about your level of involvement with your child’s relatives. You’re entitled to make those choices. But that doesn’t mean that your decisions are the correct or “respectful” ones for everyone. Your DH’s ex clearly had a warm relationship with her child’s grandfather. What on earth is wrong with that?

I think that's very sensible of you.
Take care

Good for you for taking all the opinions on board, even the really awfully worded ones!

Just an fyi - people are going to carry on posting just having read your op and you're likely to get a continued kicking.

Just ignore it. Don't take it to heart.

You asked, you listened and you took it on board. You can't be faulted for that.

A lot of people aren't able to do that.

Not saying you would do that op, I know it's an extreme thing to do but my dad's partner is just one of those people and always will be !
But hopefully my example could make you see how these things can go. I know it could be hard I do get that, my husband also has an ex with whom he shares a child and we've had our differences over the years, but ultimately this is about your fil and your mil and their kids, so it isn't the time to make it about you.
Sorry about your fil btw.

This just sounds immature and nasty to be honest.

And VERY upsetting for his DC if you're going to block their mum out of their dad's funeral.

I take it you'll be allowing her to attend, or is that off limits too?

If I was attending a funeral and the eulogy mentioned close family members that I wasn't aware of - or even if i did know they were an ex - I wouldn't think anything of it. None of my business how other families operate, relationships are complex and the only important thing here is honouring FIL

Just weird imo. No need for the ex to be mentioned or even there unless she’d remained close enough to ex-FIL to be there in her own right.

I attended my ex-FILs funeral because I thought he was wonderful and we’d been close. But while his DGD, my DD, was of course mentioned, I was have found it strange and inappropriate to have been referenced in a eulogy. I am no longer part of that family even though I am good friends with all of them.

Always lovely when an OP takes the replies well and listens in an almost unanimous thread. There must be a lot of emotion around within the family right now so I think it’s perfectly usual to sometimes miss some of the social stuff in you’re in the midst.

Gently OP it's not about you on this occasion.

So her child would always be missing out? Their mother never gets to enjoy the family events. No the respectful thing, it to all be adults about it and not get jealous of them being mentioned at funerals or joining their child at family events.

Presumably you don't have children who are also part of that family though?

You don't need to, but you surely wouldn't forbid his children from mentioning their mother?

It's not just your husband's ex-girlfriend, it's the mother of his child. It's been 11 years, you need to get over it really, having a chip on your shoulder that its so bad she's at every family event... yeah because she's family, she has a child with him.

@Mama1209 his children might though

Condolences to your family. They sound like wonderful people.
So do you, as you've taken the advice in such a dignified manner.