For husbands ex to be mentioned at FILs funeral

The only way to guarantee that your husband's ex is not mentioned by his family at family gatherings is to only be the first date he's had. The ex, and their child were presumably a part of his past when you met him, unless he kept them a secret? You married him knowing of the connection so it's a little late to complain about it now.

It is definitely strange that she still attends family events. Being mentioned at and attending the funeral, as you've conceded, is fair enough.

I think it’s beautiful of them to mention her. It shows how loving they are that they didn’t cut her out when the relationship ended.

I consider myself very lucky that I have a good relationship with my stepson’s (he’s 21 now) mum and it would be lovely if she was mentioned at a family funeral in this way. I’m not in the least bit intimidated by her though so maybe you are?

SS mum was on holiday in Scotland recently, without her son, and went to meet up with my husband’s family to spend the day together. I think that’s lovely. I’m very secure in my relationship with my husband and his family though so that definitely helps.

With respect, it's not about you.

Be kind? you're having a hard time ? Darling girl, your MIL is having a hard time. Her grandchildren and children are devastated. Please check yourself. This is not a good look.

Exactly!

How many times do we read about the difficult ex of dh. If more ex's got on like this life would be less difficult

I wish more families were like this tbh.

My cousin has managed similar and it’s made it much easier for their children. I am full of admiration for them.

She’s part of the family…. She’s the mother of his grandchild…. Regardless of what you think or like, the funeral is about him and not you… and clearly the family are fond of her…. A lot of families lose these bonds because of divorce through no fault of their own… they clearly worked hard and genuinely must have cared for each other if they continued to see each other. Your in laws sound like good people x

Exactly.

I was married to my exh for 25years. After many years and several affairs he left me.
When his parents passed away, I felt I could not go to the funeral as my ex would be there with his new partner. I did not want to be the ghost from the past, with people looking at me and wondering why I'd showed up. It was a long way to go and would have been very awkward for me, so I stayed away.
I missed the funerals of two people I loved and knew for quarter of a century, just to 'keep the peace'. And to not make an awkward scene for my teenage children.
I sent letters to my ex and his brothers and sisters saying how much I cared about thwir departed parent, my in laws and shared some treasured memories I had of them, and put it in a condolence card.
Please think about her in this situation too. She could be me, missing grieving the loss of someone she cared about.

As others have said, it is not about you. This persons funeral is all about them and their relationships in life - of which she was a part. Be gracious and be kindly. There is room for you all at this celebration of their life.

I heartily wish I had been able to attend and I'm sorry I stayed away.

It's not about protecting the mother of the children the ex.

It's more the brass neck of someone joining a new family and trying to push someone out of the family that the in-laws want around. They have a relationship with the mother of their grandchildren.

Would it be better if she was pushed away, ignored and pretended she doesn't exist, just so the insecure new wife is happy?

Exactly!

YABU.

They were as much a part of his life as you were.

How lovely for the children that their mum continues to be included in the family this way. It sounds very healthy and excellent for role modelling. I also imagine it helps prevent jealousy amongst the children, and feelings of being left out.

If I was in the church I would think it was wonderful that all the adults could be so mature about the situation. It’s sad you’ve taken it personally.

@Mama1209

Have you spoken to your husband? What does he think?

Are you getting a mention? Is the ex still close with the in laws as sometimes people stay in touch after break ups
its a bit weird to be honest.

"I'll be mortified"
...yeah surprisingly the day isn't about you.
YABU

You feelings are pretty valid about her being at family events. I think her being at the funeral is fair though .But you won’t get any sympathies here . Ex wives influence lingers on for a very long time. Forever actually. No one seems to move on. I don’t agree that ex wives or husbands have to continue to be part of the wider family , sure if they mutually want to be then absolutely fine . Doesn’t always happen , apart from on mumsnet where first wives must be worshipped/ appeased at all times .

She's not the ex-mother of their grandchild.

It isn't about you.

The funeral isn’t about you. Think about others.

You can't rewrite history. She was/is a part of his life, why wouldn't she be mentioned?
It sounds to me like your MIL is doing a great job of making all of the family feel accepted and welcome.

"It’s bad enough she’s there for every family event and occasion and I put up with this for the sake of my stepchild"

You really don't like her, do you? Maybe a bit jealous?

You say you are all amicable, isn't that a better way of life than resenting her?

Very much her wishes and her choice and nothing to do with you.
YOUR funeral would be different - you can ask for exes not to attend that one.
You're being rather selfish and entitled.

She’s still part of the family through the child she had with your husband. When my MIL died, I spent the wake with my partner’s ex and gave her a hug after the funeral as she was upset. She’s also at family days like Christmas because my stepkids (her children) are part of the family. We aren’t friends or anything, but I want the kids to see us treating each other well and getting along because I’d hate for them to think their mum was outcast because of a relationship failure. What happened between her and my partner is nothing to do with me, just like what happens between my partner and me doesn’t affect her. It can be hard at times, but they were together and had a life that included extended family and pretending it didn’t exist doesn’t make the past go away.