To think this message was not terrible and Husband is over reacting?

If parents didn't slate their kids Mumsnet wouldn't exist.
Neither would many mother and baby groups

Parents have slated their kids since the dawn of time.

I've seen Gorrilas and Lions sick of their kids bullshit

So why are step parents expected to love and tolerate children not their own yet have to shut up and put up.

Maybe these parents so desperate for love shouldn't ever have partners after they fail theor first relationship and their children's love should be enough for the rest of their lonely lives.

@Secondchoiceornot Where did the OP 'slag off' his kids though?

She said it's harder to tolerate the normal annoying things kids do, and that she doesn't love them the same way she loves her kids.

That is a fuck of a long way from 'slagging them off' in fact it is really not about them at all!

No one is saying op has to love her SC as if they were her own, but there's a huge difference between that and slating them on a group chat.

A group chat is basically like shouting it in the street

Do I have to delete mine?
Or is it OK because I'm their bio mum?
Is it OK for me to complain about them being messy and probably all the things OP has
Said?

I would ask if my DH should divorce me but he told me our 5 year old was being a twat after she was in bed last night.

But why would anyone expect someone else to love their child as much as they do? That's completely unrealistic. Their love for their child existed before the child was even born. You're introduced to them much later in life where they might wish you didn't exist and where his ex might be stirring things up. (Not saying that's what's happened in your situation, but it's quite common.)

Ask him if he would be happy for you to go through his phone and read all his private conversations with his friends. Would there honestly not be a single thing that you might find upsetting. I bet he wouldn’t be happy with the suggestion, if not, why not.

BRB, just off to delete the numerous messages I have sent to my close friends this week complaining about the DSC

Look stop giving the OP grief over not loving her SC like her own;some people just don't,we don't know the ins and outs of the situation.

Doesn't it depend a lot on life stage and family set up.

If you'd been a step parent in their main home since they were one I'd expect you to have stronger feelings than if you met their dad who has them every other weekend when they were 14.

I have a step brother. I like him but I don't love him like my sister. We didn't grow up together, have never lived together. It's never going to be the same as the person I shared a room with til I left home.

What a rotten comment for a friend to say about your family 🥲

You've used the word immature twice as though you're really trying to push it, very passive aggressive. OP and her friends were having an adult conversation about how they feel. Granted, it's not to everyone's taste and not everyone can stomach it however, but it's how they feel. It would be immature to act badly to or around said children, but I can't agree it's immature to feel differently towards children that aren't your own and be annoyed about mess they create (she's probably equally annoyed about her own kids in other ways or about the mess they create)

Does husband do all of the parenting for his children or does he expect you to @PointToItOnThePage? Does he do 50% of the parenting for your shared children?

He shouldn’t have had your messages, but never commit to writing something you wouldn’t say to someone’s face.

Would you say this to your stepkids’ faces? No. Irrational thought it might be his first thought is going to be - what if they got wind of this and were hurt.

I am a SM, so all sympathy for the tribe, but don’t do this, there is no need.

The trouble is that the genie is out of the bottle. My cousin felt pretty much the same about her step kids, also teens. Then their mother died suddenly in a car crash. Their dad stepped in to take them on full time but knew his second wife didn't really love his two eldest. The marriage ended shortly after and he got 50/50 care of their two younger children as well. She now wishes she hadn't been so open about how she felt about the step kids. If she'd kept stum, the chances are she'd still be married.

If you walked up and overheard a friend slagging you off would you be upset? Or if you saw on his phone a message pop up from his friend saying they didn't understand why he liked you as they couldn't would you be upset?

You slagged off his kids. You didn't have to. You could have kept silent on the subject but you chose to say to others that you couldn't see them as your own.

I would be very hurt. He loves those kids and will always put them above you. You put them lower than unnecessary gossip. Nasty.

You can't understand how much it hurts as it does not directly affect you. If he didn't question it anyone here would call him a bad dad. Anyone saying he is in the wrong is suggesting he should put a partner slagging off his kids above his own kids.

Don't hide behind him checking your phone. He had a reason to, you got called out for your lack of respect for his kids.

YANBU - if you look through someone’s private things (phone, diary, whatever), you should EXPECT to see stuff you won’t like. I would never look through my OH’s phone and if I did, I’d have no right to get pis*sy if I saw something I didn’t like.

Check his archive on whatsapp

People who read other peoples conversations without being a part of that conversation... will read nuances into things that were not there, and will read things that might be upsetting, particularly out of context.

There is a huge difference between:

'I HATE your children, I cannot stand them, they're fucking awful'..

And:

'I don't love them the same as my own'.

One does not equate to the other, but that is what he is doing here.

You need to have a proper conversation, theres a lot going on here.

Toddlers are not comparable to teenagers. Caring for, loving and wanting the best for someone elses teenagers is not the same as loving and caring for your own toddlers, it cannot be, they need very different things and the teenagers already HAVE their own Mother and are presumably not in need of a second one?

Further more the love you have for your own almost certainly 'orrible at times teenager, is based in that love and care you had, and provided when they were tiny toddlers... shared emotions and experiences that the OP did not have with her DSC as she was not there at the time!

Depends how long you've known them. I'd say I've got to the stage where I love them for themselves now. I don't love them as my own child though they'd be really weirded out by that.

I can see why this stings, but they do say:

Curiosity killed the cat...
Seek and ye shall find...

I'm not arguing with anyone over something they've found on my phone, which no-one has permission to go through at will.

You are not obliged to love your step children as your own but adopting a parental role in their lives does require you to fulfil certain obligations and act responsibly towards them. As a teacher, for example, I don't have to love the students but I would shrink instinctively from speaking flippantly about them, in writing, in a group chat. Similarly I wouldn't speak about a partner's children that way and in that forum, because it would be indiscrete, disloyal, and immature. I'd save those remarks for face to face one to one's with a trusted/wise confidant. Part of the problem is also that the group chat has revealed a wider culture within your friend group where this sort of immature and indiscrete talk is fostered and promoted. I would feel sorry for having been seen speaking this way to others about a partner's children

I also don’t think you should have posted feelings (or implied feelings) about your stepchildren to others in a semi public forum when you know you would not have said the same to your partner. I can understand why he is hurt.
but I also think and apologies if this has already been posted that step parenting is incredibly difficult as evidenced by this current thread here. I don’t know how you win www.mumsnet.com/talk/stepparenting/5161105-maybe-its-time-to-separate-after-25-years

You absolute genius!

This OP. No notice. Demand to have his phone and complete unfiltered access.

why would she love them?

Have you had a go at snooping on his phone? Bet there's all sorts