Mil forcing dinner

I feel for you as my MIL is very similar!
She's actually rude to my children now too, one is autistic and can't cope with her boys usual 'ignore it's just mum' because it's damaging. Needless to say the narcissist in her too is making herself the victim as they all do, like your MIL
GLAD you're not going! Grey rock the miserable cow!

Your husband and children have dropped the rope with her, time you did the same.

Bullies don’t deserve attention. She CHOSE to be a bitch, no one made her behave like that. I absolutely would not go to her family meeting. It would boil my blood the audacity of her.

So DH wasn't brave enough to set a boundary with her and gave mixed messages by sucking up to her at the same time as quietly disliking her.

Sounds like you need to be the villain to get rid of her. So be it.

Not sure why you're being berated for 'forcing' this on your husband. He's the son in this relationship and it's his responsibility. Infact he's used you if anything.

I think id be blunt ....look mil I've pushed the grandchildren and your son for 30 years all are adults now so I'm not doing it anymore and as you've never liked me I'm out. Arrange a meeting elsewhere I'm not coming.

Haven't rtft but I wouldn't go. I'd be extremely clear about my reasons and then I'd go NC.

Pack up and leave yourself then and refuse contact, as your children have.

So you allowed this to continue for years and HE allowed you all to be insulted and upset to tears.

Your poor children.

Your husband gave up so why the hell do you care? I’d love my DH to give up on his mum so I could!!

Your DH has to deal with her

I think people are being mean to the OP here. It's a major thing to cut off contact with a parent and grandparent. It sounds like her DH didn't really want to see his mum but was passive about it. If anyone was going to formally cut contact, it should have been the DH, not OP. It sounds like OP has mainly kept out of it and let her DH deal with it, which is what I would have done, I think.

I wouldn't be overly guilt-tripped by this thread OP. It's very easy for others to just type that they would have cut off someone else's family member.

However, now you've got to the point you're at, especially with adult children etc, I agree with others' advice to agree as a family that you don't want to see her.

Yes, the dynamics of an abusive parent and their child are complicated and tend to follow the usual F.O.G for the victim. No one should be encouraging the victim to host their abuser.

What is the relationship between your husband and his mother if he has been ignoring her for 30 years tho?

Shit really will hit the fan if I don’t go to her demanded dinner!

So let it. What's the worst that will happen?

I voted YABU because you should have stopped this long long ago when she upset your children.

At that point she became a negative in your family's life and contact should have stopped.

Now you phone her and tell her she does not come to your house, she is not welcome and you have no interest in speaking or listening to her.

If she turns up you do not let her in. She can sit on the doorstep all night long if she likes - I hope it rains. In fact I would probably be out when she arrived - maybe on a lovely long weekend with my DH.

I would never allow someone to treat me or my family this way - and you know they never have because they know what would happen if they tried. They would have never ever seen my children again (or me).

People treat you the way you allow them to.

Have to say I am confused as to the logistics - will she come to yours or does she expect to meet somewhere?

Either way, given she is in the country , hopefully not expecting accommodation ( even if she is), you need to head her off at the pass. Assuming your DH agrees.
Text her, email, whatever is your norm. Tell her that you won’t be meeting up, you are not interested in hearing how badly she thinks she is treated and she is not welcome at your home.
Then just block her.

If your DH does not agree, then you take yourself off - to a friend, sibling, or an adult DC , and let him deal with her.

Her age is irrelevant , but I dare say she may be worrying about who will ‘look after her’

As someone else said: Let the shit hit the fan. What's the worst that can happen? She has a tantrum, but no-one to shout at because there's no-one there.
If she sits on your doorstep, don't engage. She'll get bored eventually and fuck off. If your DH and your children don't want to see her, why should anyone else?

End this. Just end it. You - and especially your poor DH, whose childhood was probably ruined by this woman, enough so that he has tried to keep distant from her to preserve his sanity and the rest of his adult life, despite you undermining him and forcing continued contact (I'm sorry, but you have told us how you've enabled this) - deserve better than to continue dancing to this awful person's tune. Block her number and don't engage any further.

I will say sorry again - but I find it hard to understand why contact has been continued when your DH clearly didn't want it and was troubled by your insisting on its continuance, and your own children have put an end to it as soon as they were old enough to have a say over your insistence and decide for themselves. I hope they have not been too damaged by this woman, and that they are able to repair the misery in their own lives and the distress of seeing their father humiliated, belittled and disregarded throughout their childhoods.

Perhaps they (your children and DH) may find the Stately Homes threads on MN helpful (latest here: August 2024 - But we took you to Stately Homes! | Mumsnet) - and you too, if you are finding it difficult to drop the rope with this woman who is dragging your family down. If you don't end it, you will be consumed by her bitterness, hatred and demands, which are only likely to increase further as she ages. Block her, don't engage any further and end this torment now. At least have SOME happy years free of this despair with your husband before it's too late for either of you.

You are getting a bit of a pasting OP, including from me. 😔 That's probably not nice to read. I'm sure you thought you were doing your best. Look, you can't change the past. No-one can. But you can try and make it right with your DH and adult DCs and influence the quality of the present and your future happiness. Make the future a happier one without MIL. Just block her. You don't owe her explanations, apologies or any headspace whatsoever. She has already cost you so much. Stop it now. Block her number, return any letters unread. Don't let her in and, if needs be, have her removed by the Police if she will not leave you alone. And don't go to the dinner - not even as a "last goodbye" or a "chance to explain". It won't end well. Be prepared for her to ramp up the nonsense as her supply of victims dries up. And watch out for her flying monkeys (well-meaning "friends and relatives" who attempt to intercede on her behalf, either openly or subtly).

Best wishes, strength and courage to you.

.

Oh OP, how could you do that to your husband, further abuse him by insisting he sees his abusive mother.

Absolutely horrendous behaviour on your behalf.
And your children too.

For me this is hugely unreasonable behaviour.
To think you know better than your spouse about his relationship with his parents.

What must they think privately about what you have forced upon them all for years.....an now this...

Pack up and leave the house with him.
Its the very least you can do.

I don't like to be harsh, but that you could persevere with this for so many years is so shockingly unloving behaviour towards a spouse.

Fix it now by going away together or telling him to go stay with someone and YOU will involve the police once and for all.

You owe it to your husband to fix this mess once and for all, together with a MASSIVE GROVELLING APOLOGY.

I don't understand. She's in the country now - the UK? But where is she staying and when is she likely to show up at your door? If you can be out (or better still away) when she calls then she's not going to get far with her confrontation. Was it agreed that she could visit?!

However, really your DH needs to deal with her but sounds like he won't. Does she harangue other family members or just your lot? It's all very OTT.

But there was no relationship. You said your husband gave up years ago and you've forced him and your kids to continue to be abused by the woman.

When you have an abusive parent to be told 'but it's your mum' is a real kick in the teeth. We know that.

You owe your husband and kids and apology for enabling the woman's abuse and your husband should have therapy if he hasn't already had some.
Don't give the abuser one moments thought.

@Pleeeeaaasehelp just tell her that no we won't be coming for dinner this time or in fact any other time as we are totally done with your shit

Move, don’t tell her 😝

Id suggest going to the meal and tell her what a bitch she is but I’d be a hypocrite. I’m NC with my own Narcissistic mother, I don’t engage and have completely avoided any kind of confrontation or situation I’d have to tell her what I think because I don’t have the energy to deals with her. Anything I say will be turned on me, I will sound pathetic because narcs are good at making their victims come across that way. So I just cut her off and have no regrets.

given she would sit on your door step, either go the police route or move!

Your DH - her son! - wants nothing to do with her, and nor do her grandchildren… why did you? There’s no relationship here. There’s nothing to save and nothing to lose.
Batten down the hatches and let the shit hit the fan, whatever that may look like.