MIL and her priorities!

Based on the OP’s tone, phrasing and comments there’s every chance that the thing coming between the grandmother and toddler having a relationship is her parents! If this was the GM being judgemental and controlling over the parents life, thinking she could dictate what they do or don’t do the advice would be to steer clear!

I agree with other posters that your DH is also grieving and in need of understanding, as is your MIL, and that you should support keeping the lines of communication open.

But the DH is the one being critical and refusing to communicate - that's why he's not getting much sympathy.

Of course it's awful to lose a parent but I think many people are finding his judgment towards his mother quite hard to read.

If he wants some understanding then that's what he needs to show his mum first.

Horrible situation for everyone involved. I think your role has to be supporting your husband, being there for him, but also being there for his mum as much as possible so that you keep the door open for reconciliation when they're ready. Is your DH getting support (therapy or counselling)? Is his mum?

It may not be that her priorities have changed, but her new partner is someone who relates to the pain of seeing the person you love decline in front of you. However much you and DH helped, she had her unique experience of it. Maybe it's incredibly painful visiting her grandchildren remembering that last time, the love of her life was with her.
Obviously your DH is also going through something awful and upsetting, and I understand why he's hurt by his mum's behaviour, but hopefully there's space over time for them to come back together. People don't make great decisions when going through awful things.

I don't think your H is wrong to have struggled with that at all. Her husband wasn't even dead when she brought a new boyfriend in! How on earth would you expect your children to accept that?

And now she's too busy enjoying her new life with her boyfriend to spend any time with her grieving son or her new grandchild.

I get that what she went through was hard but I do not think she's behaving kindly to her family at all. Yeah she's living her life and doing what's best for her. Good for her, but it is selfish and as much as she has the right to be selfish, her son has the right to not accept her choices.

I didn't miss it at all.

The OP sees the MIL as serve human and nothing more.

Tbh at least part of the MIL actions will be a response to having been a service human and then suddenly finding herself in a position where she can push back from that and say 'no more' and not do the whole duty thing.

The expectation that grandparents have to do x, y or z or they are otherwise bad grandparents isn't nice. And that includes seeing a toddler. Toddlers are kinda cute if you are lucky, but beyond that are really rather dull after a while.

Maybe your MIL just wants to live her life a bit after being a mother, grandmother , carer. Sure, her having an affair was less than ideal but your child doesn’t have to be her first priority. What exactly are you and your DH so pissed about ? Because she didn’t help him out when you were away ? You both need to grow up.

I think your DMIL would be more inclined to spend time with you and your baby if you were less judgmental of her. If she knows you’re unhappy about her getting a BF she is not exactly going to want to be in your company.

If your DH wants his mum to see your baby he needs to make amends with her and try to be a bit less judgmental about the choices she is making. It sounds like she’s really had a rough time of it and she’s 60 not 16.

@ChristOnABike87 I'm sorry for the nonsense you are getting. I wish I could say I was surprised. I very strongly encourage to simply ignore - consider if the advice from unpleasant Internet randoms with own agendas and reading comprehension challenges could possibly be of any value to you.

I agree with other posters that your DH is also grieving and in need of understanding, as is your MIL, and that you should support keeping the lines of communication open.

I don't think anyone has commented on this one bit, but if there are alarm bells about the new man, all the more reason to not shut things down. I wonder how much he was behind the change of plans in May. Your MIL is clearly vulnerable after all her suffering. I would suggest you keep a close eye on that.

It would be a great deal easier for posters not to miss that point had it not been submerged in all the purse lipped judgement about the woman having a life, and the underlying misogyny that suggest the priorities of 'lovely' women should be to to be a perpetual carer, from devoted wife and mother to apple cheeked granny. The OP and her husband are furious that this woman has stepped out of the role they think she should be occupying. That's the thrust and tone of the post. The GC is just the excuse to legitimise it.

Absolutely. It's not her child. And it's not her first grandchild. Other people's children are only so interesting. Especially at that age. Maybe she just doesn't want to do toddler third time round. Maybe she wants to avoid duty.

I'm with MIL on this. My DM nursed my father at home for 10 years. He had dimentia, could do nothing for himself but had been a very physically fit man with none of the other diseases of old age (eg diabetes, heart trouble etc) in other words nothing to speed him on his way. I so wish he had, and that my DM would have agreed to a nursing home that way she would have had some sort of life and would not be so bitter now and maybe she might have a relationship with her now grown up grandchildren who were ignored in the years that mattered as she was so taken up with my DF. Honestly if my Mum was to find a boyfriend tomorrow I would cheer and welcome them with open arms!

She's grieving. People do all sorts of odd things when they're grieving.

Instead of judging her, her son and DIL should be making more of an effort to understand how she's feeling and to try and make things easier.

Yes, it would be nice if she saw her grandchild but having arguments and refusing to speak to her isn't the solution.

I am sure when things settle down she will. But at the moment her entire life at been upended. She is still grieving, trying to work out what the rest of her life is going to look like. She’s done lots of grand parenting before- she didn’t choose to become a grandparent again. They should Let her be for a while.

Not missing the point at all.

See post above

But that toddler is the child of her son, who ‘hit the roof’ about her having a sex life. If she doesn’t know her DIL feels positively towards her (though I’m not entirely convinced she does), and would love a visit, she probably just can’t face the drama, or dealing with more criticism. Maybe she thinks her DS doesn’t want the scarlet woman around his toddler?

If you experience something traumatic you may wish to run away from that and anything that reminds you the trauma.

Remember you are playing happy families ATM with a man who probably looks a lot like his father. Don't you think that might be a hard reminder for her?

She's going through a process of refunding herself and possibly has an attitude about life being too short. And maybe feels she's done enough giving and wants things for herself for once.

She's met someone who totally understands what's happened and all the feelings that accompany that. You can't possibly know or understand that. And that's clearly what she needs now. Time to process and deal with things.

She WANTS to be selfish precisely because she hasn't allowed herself to do that before. She may actually NEED this. She may feel she needs to deal with her own feelings and isn't in a place to cope with supporting others emotionally or do any more giving.

She doesn't owe your family anything. She may feel she can't face it all over again. She's done it before - multiple times.

I wonder how young she was when she married and had kids and how much of a life she has when she was young. She may feel this is the only time she's ever had for herself and wants to live life to the full because she doesn't know if it will last.

Caring for someone with dementia is hellish and I agree with pp who said the onset was not as rapid as OP thinks. There could have been a couple of years of coping with him getting increasingly weird and difficult (I experienced this first hand with my mother) before it became so bad they saw a GP at my instigation.

If MiL now wants to live her life and do what she wants before she starts going downhill herself then good for her!

She said it was a breakdown, and we went along with that because those that knew described it as completely out of character.

Maybe she said that to try and avoid all the unpleasant judgement that's now coming her way.

I understand it's hard for your DH to see his mum moving on in the way that she is, but she needs his support, not judgement and unpleasant comments and a load of arguments/hassle.

You're both judging her actions yet neither of you seem to be making any effort to put yourselves in her shoes.

I think posters are missing the point.

Yes dementia is crap, being widowed at 60 is crap.

But to ignore your grandchild for 4 months when you live so close is pretty crap. There not demanding she do full time childcare.

She's been a martyr for the last 30years caring for everyone and now wants to enjoy her life and be a bit selfish. That's fine but she could just take an hour to see a little toddler couldn't she?

Team MIL here and from what OP has said she’ll be back as a doting grandmother when she has more headspace.
It was on here that I read something about eulogies at women’s funerals and how they are so often about how caring, selfless and supportive and hard working the sainted woman was. Am cheering for this woman having some selfless pleasure (and hoping she bins off the lothario if he is indeed a misogynist pig as OP suggests).
Men do move on so quickly. Hope he hasn’t already lined MIL up to be his new dogsbody. I’m a similar age to MIL and too many men want this in their retirement years.

Your husband and especially you, have no business whatsoever in judging or knowing what's 'in character' with regards to another woman's intimate life. Just because she gave birth to him and he married you doesn't afford you an insight into her private thoughts where her relationships are concerned. That is one area of our lives that should not and doesnt need to be shared, and its a huge over step for you to be sticky beaking. Your H has some excuse I suppose as he is obviously struggling with the maturity required to see his mother as a person with needs for sex and male companionship, but you? You really need to know where your business stops and another's privacy begins. Your MiL may well have blamed her mental health to get you off her back as it's preferable to all the sorrowful head shaking about how disappointed you are that she's not a 'lovely woman'.

You're treating your MIL like a wayward teenager. She's not. She's an adult and it sounds like she's spent decades putting other people's needs above her own - your FIL, her children, your husband's 2 older children.

Perhaps after what she's gone through with her husband's dementia, she's now putting herself first for once and having some fun for herself.

You'll just push her away if you keep telling her she must keep putting everyone else first.

DH has struggled to come to terms with both the dementia and FILs death and so isn’t handling in the best way.

This is true for both of them.

Also she will be re-evaluating her own life and seeing what she missed for so many years. There will be stuff no matter how close knit... she may be suffocated from years of having DH and DS idolise her.

The grandchild also, it may be a bit 'been there, done that' now that it's third child with second partner.

Well said.

This - you neglected to mention until the end her affair partner’s wife was also in the care home. Of course far from ideal but his mother would have started grieving for his dad a long time ago.