MIL and her priorities!

That's a lovely post, campergirls1.

Time is a healer, op. Your husband does need some help to process his grief, Cruise are very good, however he will come to terms with it in time.

Your mother-in-law's current relationship may well not last.

Not everyone would do this but it isn't unknown. In many ways someone with severe dementia has already 'gone'. As long as she made sure he was cared for and visited him if he still recognised her I wouldn't be too judgemental. I wouldn't condone it but I wouldn't judge either.

In fact the current king and queen and many more in the past, most of the older royal family, numerous high ranking politicians (Osborne, Johnson, Hancock, Truss etc many more) plus many high profile and highly esteemed people in the arts have had affairs. Many see monogamy and moral disapproval as very bourgeois. So on that level it is quite classy. And completely irrelevant to whether she should now be made to feel like a scarlet woman just for having a life now her husband has died.

It's not as simple as that when dementia is involved on both sides.

Ooh. It's not a straightforward situation is it?

Classy indeed..... being "classy" is the last thing on your mind when you're desperate for any reminder of what it feels like to be a living breathing human being. My drunken ONS with a complete random on the pub was neither sensible nor classy, but it took doing it and feeling grubby rather than liberated to help me see there are no quick fixes.

I write poetry. I won't share the one titled loosely "Watch out for the Merry Widow" because I don't want people strangling themselves with their pearls.

The widow pass expires mighty fast it seems.

The situation of a person suffering ling term, ambiguous loss of companionship is not the same as someone cheating on their spouse. A person with dementia, especially if in care, is just not capable of being in a real relationship anymore. They may not recognize their partner. They are certainly no longer able to make decisions within the relationship as they ince could.

My 92 year old father is currently caring for my 92 year old mother very tenderly—they have been together since they were 8–! But if he had to move her into memory care for her safety and his I would not be shocked or disappointed if he found someone else to love and support him while he continued to be responsible for her care. People can love, and need, more than once in their lives.

Enjoying her life with someone else’s husband? Very classy

You need to step back, it's her life to do as she wishes much as you might not like it. Your child is your priority to hers.

Your MIL has been caring for people for what 40 years of her life? I think she is just finally at the stage where she can put herself first for once. And the issue with giving so much of yourself to other people is they come to expect it. Hence your and your DH's reaction. Instead of being thankful for how much she has done for her family, you're taking issue with her doing less now when she is finally free of her carer duties.

I feel sorry for everyone here but I really think OP and her dh need to take a big step back and up as adults and recognize that MIL has been in a fugue state for a few years. She has been like the crew of a cruise liner stoking the furnace while everyone else danced and ate on the deck and in the staterooms. She is untethered from these old duties and this limited point of view now. She doesn’t want to go back to those cramped rooms, drives, family dinners of mourning. She wants to dance and drink and be her own person for a while. Think of it as rummespringe or a teenage period if running wild. Leave the door on the latch, and a light in the window. This won’t affect your child at all. I didn’t meet my grandmother until i was ten but i adored her. The first years won’t matter unless you force them to.

My mother suffered a life altering injury which meant she would never leave the ICU again for number of years prior to her death. If I found out my dad had been having an affair while she was dying in the hospital I don't think I would have ever forgiven him. I can see why you're dh hit the roof.

🙄 @Tooyoungtojoingransnet The OP has said they live in the same village and that she and DH were at PILs three times a week helping to care for FIL.

OP, of course the situation with MIL is difficult, there's a maelstrom of emotions from everyone right now - I would imagine the "hit the roof" reaction from your DH was grief based rather than his usual character. I think a deep breath all round and then small steps back to a better relationship for all of you.

Could you pop round MIL's with the baby for an hour here and there and go from there?

Sit down with DH too and have a good talk about it all, amongst all the idiocy there's been some good points made here that are worth discussing with your DH to help him move forward. Good luck.

I hope that will change and that she takes an interest in GD for her sake

Why does she have to do this?
She needs to heal and repair her relationship with her DS.
She doesn't necessarily need to forge new relationships with a new GD.

This. Regardless of insisting that she has been “ misunderstood “ in her OP it boils down to MIL seeing the baby and being involved in some form of childcare . OP went on a holiday so maybe MIL wants a break herself from children / GC. What’s with the 😂😂😂😂 after almost each post

Nope. Didn't miss that bit.

I really feel like people are missing that the MIL announced her new boyfriend to her children BEFORE their father had even died. I can't believe anyone would be welcoming of their parents new partner WHILE their other parent is slowly dying. Were they all expected to just replace their father with this new man? Family meals out with the new boyfriend while their dad is in a care home? Obviously they wouldn't be happy to see their mother cozying up with another man while watching their dad suffer and die.

There's a widow moving on quickly, because they incapable of being alone usually, and there's moving on WHILE your partner is dying.

When a parent moves on I think adult children do fall into two camps, either oh that's great they won't be so lonely, or how could they forget about my other parent so soon.
Both are understandable, especially when grieving.

Hi OP,
I read your posts, and I feel awful at the berating you got from complete strangers who felt the need to attack you. For what reason, I am not sure. You sound like a normal person who is grieving and dealing with an upsetting situation. What a lot of rotten people there are waiting to pounce on someone who is asking for advice! Picking apart the minutae of your first post, which you were clearly trying to keep short. People really are "holier than thou". I'm so sorry that was the response you got.

Wishing you all the best in this tough period of your life.

Ah, OP, I feel for everyone in this situation, and understand your fears, your DHs reaction which is basically his inner child having a meltdown because naturally he's lost one parent and wants the remaining one to fulfill her scripted role as caregiver and to put him first. But him being an adult, the practicalities of that can be difficult to establish. Essentially he's missing both his parents, and angry because one of them isn't behaving as expected.

I'm 55 and was widowed 2.5 years ago. My DS is an adult and not my DPs son, but had a pretty close relationship with him, so it's different. I've been a hot mess tbh. It was unexpected death so the anger phase is still ebbing and flowing. I'm not going to bang on about me, but I do have some general observations about widowhood.

It's a paradox, especially if you are perceived to be part of a devoted couple. Simultaneously you are expected to Queen Victoria through an unspecified number of years (or even throw yourself into the grave after them in some eyes) while also bravely getting on with your life, not being needy and behaving with appropriate decorum. You must also be mindful that you are not the only person mourning the loss, and continue to support everyone because they "mean well". Which they probably do, but the awkwardness of death and grief can unleash some spectacularly bizarre behaviour in people close to you. Which has to be excused. However, going off piste as a widow is less acceptable, and frankly irritating or embarrassing in some eyes.

My late DPs DM has dementia, and has been bedbound in a home for about 6 years now, surviving thanks to the wonders of modern medicine. Watching her decline to that point absolutely slayed him. His inner toddler was there for all to see. We cared for her at home to start with. It was not pretty, and I don't even want to imagine what it's like for a spouse going from equal partner to nurse in what can be a shockingly brief period of time - it's devastating for a child if any age as it is. So I do have some sympathy for your DH, and for you stuck in the middle.

Thing is, everything has changed, irrevocably, for all of you in a short period of time. There is a strong emphasis in our culture of "getting back to normal" as soon as possible and resuming the old life just with one fundamental element missing which you have to "accept" and get over. But that's not real life, and that expectation leaves one feeling life is surreal indeed.

Personally, I think at some point, the DH could be encouraged to reach out and explain how much he is missing his parents - both of them. It might be that he's done a stand up job of being stoic and resilient for his DM and so she doesn't realise how much he's hurting, and if alot of their interactions have been about him judging her actions she might have withdrawn to avoid further hurt and conflict. It's always hard for children to see their parents as autonomous beings, even as adults, because if relationships have been good and solid, they represent unconditional love and security above all else, and the loss of that is devastating.

MIL is probably in a weird kind of hell right now. My escape was alcohol for a while, obvious not healthy or ideal, and hers is a new relationship. Whether it lasts or not, as a few have said, it would be sad if the estrangement grew out of all proportion.

On another note, it's interesting to see a thread like this, because normally people are worrying about widowed MILs being needy and overly dependent on family and asking for advice on how to encourage them to "live" again without their DH, and with less intensive input from family. Again, part of the wudow paradox I feel.

Ultimately it all takes time. Life has completely changed for you all, the adjustment period will be ongoing for a long time. What feels devastating now might seem less important down the line, and my final advice is simply to try and keep doors and communication open, if everyone does value each other as much as is suggested.

Sending you and yours all the love and solidarity OP. It's a very hard situation for everyone but MIL has alot going on, and if she's burying it in the arms of someone living and breathing, let her. Life is short, often painful and messy and yet it must be lived.

I really do recommend he tries just listening to her.

I did this with my grandmother who I had quite a complicated relationship with. And what I learned about her relationship with my grandfather was truly shocking and unexpected.

I was just putting together some of the information and I think it paints more of a picture of what the MIL is going through:

She is 60
She has a son old enough to have had two marriages and one set of older children - likely to be at least 35 if not 40
So she probably had him pretty young

FIL was older than her
DH has older half siblings
So there was an age gap and older children already for her to potentially take care of

So she likely:

Got married young, was a stepmother, had a child young, was a very involved grandmother, was a carer for her older husband.

This is then the first time in her life she is unencumbered by caring responsibilities. It has possibly made her vulnerable to being preyed upon by another man. TBH I think it's a possibility her marriage was exploitative too - she married a much older man with kids when she was pretty young..

I actually do understand it being hurtful when grandparents don't take an interest. My fil didn't bother to come and meet my second until he was 2. I was quite hurt by it.

But I think the MIL has reached a breaking point with being seen as everyone's support human.

This. People have explained what caring for someone with dementia is like and that, unsurprisingly, MiL wants to live the rest of life available to her in her own way. I must have missed the name calling posts.

OP I'm not sure if you're still on this thread, and I really don't blame you if you\re not.

I hope I'm reading too much into this but the fact that the your MIL's current partner has been described as an 'aggressive misogynist' by someone who knows him is a cause for concern. I wonder if he's enjoying/encouraging the estrangement with your DH because that means your MIL is now almost entirely focused on him.

Try to keep communication open with your MIL. I hope she still sees her friends, given they probably still live in the same village?

I don't think people have been horrible.

But it seems like you get really angry when anyone tries to explain how your MIL might be feeling

And virtually everything you say about wanting to see her is about wanting her to be a good grandma and see your baby. Not so much about wanting to see her because you or your DH want to see her

I can understand a little of how your DH is feeling as we had a similar situation in our family. DPs were together for nearly 60 yrs and DM nursed DF with our help right to the end. Like every marriage it had its ups and downs and she struggled with nursing him at 85yo, both physically and emotionally. However 3 months after DF died it became obvious she was in a relationship with a widowed family friend. I admit I was shocked and hurt that she could so easily "get over" the loss of my DF (and struggled with this as I came to terms with my own grief) but realised she had done a lot of her grieving when he was terminally ill and he had no hope of recovery. She felt that she needed to grab happiness where she could before it was too late. Sadly she died suddenly a year after DF. You read on here of older men finding love/companionship quickly after bereavement (maybe they can't cope on their own) but of course women do too. Your DM and her DP have bonded through that shared experience of their long term spouses having dementia and all that entails - the physical and mental strain can't be underestimated.

We all look for friendship and support in our life journey. Your DH needs to sit down calmly with his DM and talk through his concerns about their ongoing relationship. Is he worried she's disrespecting his DF, it's too soon after his DF died and she might get hurt? Whatever his concerns he needs to let her know he's still there for her.