Are all mums like this?

My mom is similar . I ignore her comments. They speak more about her insecurities than anything to do with me.

YABU as my mum has aged it has got worse 🫠

Yes, my mother is like that. I'm no longer in contact with her for my own mental health, and that of my children (who she also treats like that).

Google "narcisstic parents". I'd also recommend "You are not the problem" by Kate McKenna and Helen Villiers.

‘I spend most days feeling incredibly guilty that I don’t do enough for her and am made to feel her requests are perfectly reasonable and saying no makes me a horrible person. She will often cry and point out all she has done for me and that she’s not asking for much by asking me to do x,y and z’

your mum sounds demanding, manipulative and an all round PITA!

No. My mum is the opposite and never criticised me, still doesn't. So I grew up looking a state (I was always the scruffiest teen as according to her I looked lovely) and never achieving anything.

I have worked hard to see the faults of my parents as largely products of their own upbringing.

I know I will pass something negative on to my own DC, despite my best efforts, and I hope they will also be able to see the same. The best we can do is hope we do a slightly better job/pass on different crap!

Yes, my mum is royal PITA. I manage it by limiting contact.

On the other hand I have the most wonderful MIL who I love dearly and call Mum.

Of course all mums aren't like your mum

As the PP said, I too believe my mum (and many other mums) are quite narcissistic.

I don’t think it’s spoken about enough but many women are extremely controlling.

I know many mums like this.
I am a mum and I’m not like this and I hope I don’t turn out like this.

My mum is similar and I make sure I have very strong boundaries.

Oh you asked what helps. Nothing helps…they never change. Don’t waste your precious energy trying.

My mum is like this. I used to think she was great and it was only after two emotionally abusive relationships (and all the research I did into abuse and narcissism) that I realised that my mother is a covert narcissist and is actually worse than my husband/boyfriend.

She can seem really nice sometimes but there’s always an ulterior motive. Now she’s in the early stages of dementia she can’t hide her behaviour as well. She projects all her behaviours onto me and if I dare to question her about her constant digs, I’m too sensitive (that’s a classic narc line🙄). I think a lot of us wake up once we have our own children and realise that we’d never treat them the way our mothers have treated us. She’s destroyed our family because no one has been allowed to have their own relationship without her being involved. She has subtly and not so subtly influenced everyone’s opinions of each other.

Narcissists will do and say anything to protect the false identity they’ve created for themselves. As long as they ‘win’ they don’t care if they hurt you. It’s because they’re empty inside. Anyway, sorry for the slight rant. I just don’t want you to waste all the years I wasted trying to get her to be the mother I needed. I’d visit Dr Ramani on YouTube.

Your mother is an individual personality with her own shit. Why would you think every mother was like that?

Ees exactly this.

I had some therapy which sincerely boosted my self esteem. The next time mum turned on me it was like I had some sort of force field on. Her words just didn't penetrate. She was insinuating I was disloyal, selfish, thoughtless and I just knew that I'm none of those things. In fact in this example I'd bent over backwards to be the opposite, to my own detriment. But I wasn't angry, I didn't feel like I needed to argue with her or raise those points, it just all sort of washed off. Realised it was way more about her than me. Was frickin empowering I can tell you!!!

Therapy...

No way. My mum can be a bit of a know all but she's caring and would never hurt our feelings.

there was a whole thread on narcissistic mothers a while back. Some of that might resonate.

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/parenting/4918259-quotes-from-narcissistic-mothers-support-for-their-victims-thread-3

Just to say my mum is 100% like this as well. It can be incredibly confusing and upsetting at times. Loving in some ways, but pretty awful in others. As I've grown older and had children of my own, I've just got better at working on my own boundaries and not letting her get to me. This means less arguments and direct upset, but sadly, it's not (and I don't think ever will be) an emotionally close relationship as a result. Sending love. X

No. My mum was nice.

My mum is very similar.

I set rules and told her she wouldn't be allowed in my home or to have a relationship with me if she didn't respect them.

One of the rules is that she cannot mention weight or dieting or food intake in regards to anyone but herself. So she can talk about her own body, but not mine.
I have a zero tolerance policy and so she toes the line as she knows I'm serious.

She is also disappointed that I'm not super academic and career focused, so that is a topic that we avoid also.

I won't allow anyone in my life to make me feel like shit, I don't care who they are.

I could have written this myself. My Mum is really loving in lots of ways but always makes me doubt myself hence I'm riddled with low self-esteem. When I was younger, it always felt like nothing o ever did was good enough. She's mellowed with age but I still hear her voice in my head whenever I have to make a decision, even really minor things.

I've explored this in therapy which has helped me to understand a bit better why she's like this. (Her own upbringing, little input from my Dad into parenting).

My mum died 29 years ago (and I still miss her, I'm 65 now). She wasn't like that at all. I haven't been like that, either as a mum, MIL or Gran.

My Mum was not like this at all. I felt totally at ease with her. It was fun and light, and she always made me feel happy.

It sounds like your Mum has not matured emotionally. You could just tell her this and point out that her behavior is draining. She might just not have ever heard the truth.

My mum was similar, although she was happy that I was in a relationship (when she finally accepted that my husband is awesome)! Counselling helped me. It helped explain why she was like that.

Finally realising that is a 'her' thing and not me. Accepting that her opinion is just that, an opinion and not a fact. Mine isn't supportive though so it is easier to go low contact with her.