Don't be too nice/men like the chase

If a man 'likes the chase', wouldn't you assume he'd be off on another 'chase' once you have been 'caught'? ;)

Anyone I know in a happy, adult relationship was authentic and straightforward from the outset.

I'm often described as 'sweet' which is not a bad thing, but I just don't feel like most men want that. They want someone a little more edgy and daring perhaps?

Er, no. Men are as individual as women are.
We all like different things in a person. Sometimes, meetings surprise you and you end up 'connecting' with people who wouldn't fit your 'tick-list' of 'your type'.

However, a relationship isn't going to work out if either person is pretending to be something they aren't. I mean, yes, you present your best side on a first meeting, but you are who you are. If someone only likes a role you are playing, that's not going to be sustainable.

You know, age dependent, I’,m not sure they do.

If you get the chance to get out for a drink just go for it and play it by ear.

if you start putting up artificial barriers to make him “chase” he may just not bother because he’s sick of the shit show that is modern dating as well.

Be yourself. The right man for you will want the real you. It's no good acting a certain way that isn't your authentic self because it's not real and you won't be able to keep it up. I think good men when they like you will make that clear and don't waste time playing games.

Just be yourself. I don't believe any relationship worth having comes from pretending to be something you are not.

You're looking at this the wrong way. There is no point whatsoever in being with a man unless you can be yourself. Putting on an act and managing your behaviour to make yourself appealing is hard work, stressful and never worth it for the prize of a man who wouldn't want you if you didn't. Obviously there are certain extremes of behaviour to avoid. But they're largely common sense and to do with behaving to someone as you'd want to be treated. If a man likes you they will not be put off if you show you like them too. Just as if they're not enthusiastic no game playing will properly turn that around. Approach the date as the best version of you, and concentrate on whether you like them, not on what might be required to get them to like you.

You do not want a guy who 'likes the chase'. Absolute red flag. Being your authentic self will always have the benefit of weeding out the arseholes in life.

I think your biggest problem is that you are trying to be chosen, rather than doing the choosing. So even when you weren't really into someone (the last guy) you feel pain and as though you have been 'rejected' when in fact you weren't the right person for him. It's no reflection on you.

If you can shift into the 'recruiter mindset' of dating, then it takes away all the fear - if it doesn't work out, it's not meant to be. So it's much better to meet up quickly, and if he doesn't want to take it further, you are less invested and have wasted less time. Natalie Lue is great on this:

https://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/want-more-dating-success-be-discerning-by-adopting-a-recruiter-mindset/

It's impossible to judge 'spark' over text. So ask him to meet for coffee and go from there. At the moment you are bigging him up in your mind and trying to be 'picked' by a man who might think it's ok to pick his nose and eat it in company, for example! A fast meet up stops all that in its tracks.

Most posters are going to hate this adviceI think but my (male) friend and I were talking about this recently as we're both using dating apps. We reckon there's a difference between being "nice" and being "kind" - and the second camp is where you want to be.

Nice implies inoffensive but bland/forgettable and not someone you'd rush to see again. Whereas most people want someone who they can see through dates or messages that their humour aligns, has their own opinions and life going on, their own boundaries- but is fundamentally a good and considerate person.

I would say be yourself (as in show your personality/humour in messages and dates) but just make sure you don't rush to respond or seem like you have nothing going on. Good luck!

Yeah this. The second you have to start thinking about how to reply, when to reply, waiting x amount of time before replying etc is when you know it's not going to work.

Don't get me wrong we've all been there when you're dating! But everyone who is now in a healthy, functioning and happy relationship will tell you that things should just "click" from day one if they're meant to be.

DP told me he was in love with me after only a few dates 😂With anyone else this would have given me the ick and I would have run a mile and blocked their number but I knew with DP that he was who I wanted to be with so nothing seemed to "keen" or full on. It all just felt perfectly normal.

Not all men enjoy 'the chase', if I'd tried to make my OH 'chase' me he'd probably have assumed I wasn't interested and left me alone.

Be honest with him after all wouldn't you expect him to be honest with you. Early days, no reason you shouldn't ask him out, try somewhere easy like a local NT where you can walk and talk and enjoy a coffee.

No real rules. If you're looking at it as a potential long term then just be yourself, after all that's the person he needs to be attracted to.

You're an adult woman looking for an equal relationship, start as you want to go on, don't expect him to do it all.

I think when you meet someone you like and they feel the same and want the same things as you do then you don't need to play games anymore.
Just be yourself and if he doesn't feel the same then he's not for you

Here’s the thing. You don’t actually know if you are interested in this guy or not because you don’t know him. So this date will be like an interview. You’re curious about his sense of humour, his plans for the future, interesting things about his life so far. For all you know he might run a backyard dog fighting ring.

If the date goes well for both of you all that means is that a second date gets a green light, but you still won’t really know if you like him, maybe his conversation will run out, maybe he’ll be rude to a waiter, maybe he’ll tell you his ex was a psycho. It’s perfectly ok for there to be a bit of tension and for the guy to feel he has to work a bit without feeling like either of you are playing games,

Flip this on its head. If you had a male admirer gushing with compliments for you, texting you all the time, sending you flowers, writing sickly poems, asking when he's seeing you next etc you'd get bored very quickly and he'd be seen as a wet lettuce. The advice your friend was giving you was basically don't be the female equivalent!

spark is a mutual thing - you admit you werent' 100% into the other guy so you know there wasn't a spark... and yet you still feel rejected just because he was the one to front up to the fact and say it out loud.
you can't control spark, it's there or not. just be yourself and don't overthink things.

Personally i would say reply in your normal manner for texting and don't overthink it. If that happens to be too much for him then what's the point?! Perhaps make sure you aren't the one initiating every text conversation, but if you're replying to him then you aren't doing that anyway.

I have to say I don't agree with 'the chase' and 'anything easily attained isn't valuable' ideas. I mean they are true in the sense that things work like that a lot of the time, but not for anything meaningful/genuine/longterm because it's never about real connection, its a game of trickery. And the guys who think like that turn out to be so dreadful anyway (imo). I'd rather let them weed themselves out thinking I'm too easily attainable while i just be exactly myself.

Why would you want a relationship with someone who only likes you when you're pretending to be someone else?

Rejection is part of dating, it's how you end up with the right person instead of someone who only likes you when you're contorting yourself into someone else.

I don't think there are loads of particular rules and regulations that matter, replying when you can sounds good.

With the right person it won't matter as you'll mutually keep the momentum up. Roughly I'd say keep weighting equal in terms of messaging or do a bit less and enjoy the chat in person. If you feel their attention waning, by all means text first a couple of times to see, but if it doesn't pick back up, don't try and flog a dead horse.

The right man will love sweet you, not some edgelady, so don't try to change. Could you be picking me with different or tastes interests online? Maybe tailor your search a bit more?

Trust yourself here. You need to look at this as potential romance not as in just a man friend. Thats why I always say a 1st date should have a romantic connotation rather than meeting for a coffee in a shopping centre.

Who would want a man who wanted a woman who played ridiculous coquettish games?
Just be yourself.

What would you do if he were female, OP? If this was just someone you'd met casually, who thought you might make a good friend?

Can you think of it like that - take the whole 'male/female/dating/attraction' thing off the table and think of this as making new friends?

Overly keen - flooding with texts, always making the first move. Have a date but let him chase you. Let him think of date ideas. It's all part of the mindset that nothing that is easily attained is valuable.