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Original poster

Is my bf a tightwad?

55 replies

Blueysotheemother · 26/07/2024 19:35

Long story but I’ll try to cut it short. I was in a long marriage, 25 years. Amicably separated about 3ish years ago.
Ive been seeing my current ‘person’ a year in a couple of weeks. He still insists on paying half for things and has never treated me out for a meal. On his birthday I paid for theatre and a hotel. On mine I had to remind him to pay his half for the hotel, which he did. But Ainu for wanting a little more? Maybe a surprise? Some romance maybe?

OP posts:
Original poster
Blueysotheemother · 26/07/2024 21:17

SauviGone · 26/07/2024 21:14

Lives with his mum?

So I imagine if you go out or have a night in together, he stays at yours? You feed him and he uses your shower, etc? Doesn't he ever even turn up with some food shopping, a bottle of wine, a bunch of supermarket flowers?

My youngest son lives with me so I wouldn’t have bf staying here, it doesn’t seem like the right thing to do.

OP posts:
TomatoSandwiches · 26/07/2024 21:15

You are both at very different stages of life, it is a fundamental mismatch and a glaringly obvious incompatibility.

SauviGone · 26/07/2024 21:14

Lives with his mum?

So I imagine if you go out or have a night in together, he stays at yours? You feed him and he uses your shower, etc? Doesn't he ever even turn up with some food shopping, a bottle of wine, a bunch of supermarket flowers?

Original poster
Blueysotheemother · 26/07/2024 21:14

Well the story is he’s saving up to move out again now him mum is ok and he has a settled job again. But you’re right. Maybe I need a rethink.
it’s a shame because we get along so well and he’s perfect for me on so many ways. Just maybe after the life I had before I feel like I need to be appreciated a little. I so t think that’s unreasonable.

OP posts:
Olanabunny · 26/07/2024 21:11

Tight and lives with his mum? No ta ✋️

brimfulofpacha · 26/07/2024 21:09

Unfortunately it sounds like he is OP! Is this a dealbreaker for you?

I'm in a similar position, I've noticed it for a while. Strictly 50/50, which I often find really awkward. I'd rather it be turn taking at least, not us both splitting the bill on cards, or him sending me very precisely 9.49 or whatever after the date, it feels so miserly. My birthday is coming up and I treated him to a very good dinner and big night out for his, spent a decent chunk of money, so I feel like this is going to end up being a 'test' even though it shouldn't be, just like you said OP.

It's horrible but tbh if I don't seem some generosity, romance, spontaneity, etc especially on my birthday, then I'll either be calling time on him completely or else cooling it right off as I can't see a tightwad man as a serious long term prospect. I love to treat him when I can but I don't feel like it's as equal from him.

Original poster
Blueysotheemother · 26/07/2024 21:08

AgnesX · 26/07/2024 20:54

Mean sod. That said, have you ever spoiled him the way that you'd like to be?

Either way, it causes resentment, I'd be cooling the relationship down.

Yes I took him to the theatre and a hotel on his birthday

OP posts:
Original poster
Blueysotheemother · 26/07/2024 21:07

For context he is a bit younger than me and never had a serious relationship before. Recently started a proper non freelance job which is solid but still getting used to having a regular guaranteed income. I have a decent job but still supporting my youngest and paying my ex money. So I’m absolutely not flush with mortgage payments etc.
he moved back to parents house in lockdown to support him mum when grandmother died. So no real outgoings as such.
ww so love each other and the time we spend together is awesome.
sadly I feel that this can’t be a long term thing

OP posts:
TomatoSandwiches · 26/07/2024 20:55

Don't listen to what he says watch what he actually does, he isn't even reciprocal, you had to remind him to cover HALF of your birthday plans when you splashed out to treat him on his.

You will be disappointed on your anniversary, don't waste precious time on someone like this.

AgnesX · 26/07/2024 20:54

Mean sod. That said, have you ever spoiled him the way that you'd like to be?

Either way, it causes resentment, I'd be cooling the relationship down.

OhcantthInkofaname · 26/07/2024 20:54

This is happened with a friend. When she mentioned that her paying half wasn't quite fair because he always ate more food, had more drinks, etc he then really showed how tight he was...

redalex261 · 26/07/2024 20:52

He is tight. This does not change it’s a way of being for some people. He would be like this if he won the lottery tomorrow. If that’s ok for you, fine. But he will not change as he sees nothing wrong.

Original poster
Blueysotheemother · 26/07/2024 20:52

Izzynohopanda · 26/07/2024 19:59

I don’t think he’s tight, if he’s paying half of everything. It’s not like he never gets his wallet out.

However, I don’t think he’s a demonstrative type. You want a little romance, demonstrations of his affection such as a bunch of flowers or meal out, and he’s just not this type of guy.

Have you spoken to him about your expectations and how you’d like to be treated occasionally, made a fuss of, made to feel special etc?

Yes you’re totally right. He does get his wallet out. But like you say, he knows my back story and says all the right things but never actually acts on it. It’s mostly me that arranges event stuff.
I guess our ‘anniversary’ will be the test and see if he pulls it out of the hat.
but it’s shouldn’t be a test. That’s not what relationships are about. I feel like he should plan something fun for us. Not expensive but meaningful

OP posts:
Cherrysoup · 26/07/2024 20:49

Why do you treat him hen he doesn’t reciprocate? I don’t think he’s being thoughtless, this feels very deliberate. I doubt he’ll change.

Original poster
Blueysotheemother · 26/07/2024 20:46

Apologies, so many typos. Just had my nails done and clearly it’s affecting my typing 😂
for those of you that need a translation.
I meant to say ‘ I’ve mentioned it to him once or twice’

OP posts:
Overtired345 · 26/07/2024 20:24

Yes, he's tight. He won't change. It doesn't matter what you do or say or what he says. He himself admitted he is set in his ways.

Do with that information what you want but by now you know you can't change a man.

Original poster
Blueysotheemother · 26/07/2024 20:15

I think you’re right. I have mentioned it to him one. Or two mice and he just says ‘ you’re right, I need to be more thoughtful’

OP posts:
Zanatdy · 26/07/2024 20:13

You’re not unreasonable at all, but trust me when I said he won’t change, if anything he will get worse

SeaToSki · 26/07/2024 20:12

If you have to ask, the answer is usually YES

Original poster
Blueysotheemother · 26/07/2024 20:11

Thanks for your advice I feel you may be right.
lack of spontaneity and treats seems to be a thing. I do that be he doesn’t reciprocate. He says he’s just set in his ways after being freelance but I’m not sure

OP posts:
Izzynohopanda · 26/07/2024 19:59

I don’t think he’s tight, if he’s paying half of everything. It’s not like he never gets his wallet out.

However, I don’t think he’s a demonstrative type. You want a little romance, demonstrations of his affection such as a bunch of flowers or meal out, and he’s just not this type of guy.

Have you spoken to him about your expectations and how you’d like to be treated occasionally, made a fuss of, made to feel special etc?

FranceIsWhereItsAt · 26/07/2024 19:59

Yep! He's tight OP! If you want to be loved, cherished and spoiled occasionally, it doesn't sound like he's the man to do it. So maybe now you have to decide whether you can live without romance, for the sake of companionship, or whether you still feel young enough to keep looking for Mr Right.

cupcaske123 · 26/07/2024 19:44

CBA with tight people, they're invariably miserable.

StormingNorman · 26/07/2024 19:43

So tight he’s squeaking. He probably takes pride in the two of you being so diligently 50/50.