DP weird relationship with ex

No! The ex isn’t respectful of you, you’re excluded from your SD. This isn’t about forming healthy relationships to move forward this is very much about two exes WANTING to spend time together. There life together is over, there is no need. I’m firmly with you. It’s inappropriate

but he doesn't see anything wrong when he does something like going to her house

I don't see anything wrong with him going g to her house! Again, she's the mother of his child, they are going to see each other, have conversations, and incredibly, possibly have a good relationship that will benefit their daughter. He is not doing anything wrong by keeping a good relationship with her. If your idea of boundaries is that he's not allowed go to the house where his daughter lives, you are going to drive him away.

Personally I do think it’s strange.

me and my partner have children from previous marriages.
All communication is just relating to children and we are civil.
neither of us go to coffees with each other or give each other lifts without our children present and there is just no way either of us tolerate our exes slating the other person.

however we have thrown birthday parties for our children and invited the ex and their partner.

I would suggest that you sit down and have a serious conversation with your partner. Just explain that boundaries need to be put in place. He doesn’t need to be on the phone to his ex 24/7 or going for coffee. They broke up for a reason. If he’s reluctant there is a reason.

you could always reach out to his ex and try and reach a point where you are both civil.
there’s always a reason an ex doesn’t like a new partner. It’s either jealously or your partner has been bitching.

hope you get this solved. X

This is why the ex doesn't like you op, you're over stepping she's he's daughters mother of cause they can give each other lifts etc. It seems you are against unity between them when you are pushing 🫸 that with your partner you are making yourself look unreasonable and controlling 100% personally I'd never ask about the mom or daughter again and I'd ask not to hear about it either.

It's all a bit much isn't it. I'm on good terms with my ex and he will stay for a bit of a chat at the drop off but I certainly wouldn't have him bitching about my dh to me. And id feel weird about getting a lift with just him. Trust your gut op.

Because "it's driving me insane and we've spoke about this time and time again"

He probably just wants an easy life and doesn't want you talking about it yet again.

The most recent occasion they were at an appointment and then the ex gave DP a lift, just the two of them no DD, he also didn't mention this to me I told I asked him and says he wasn't hiding it but it wasn't relevant to tell me, I kicked off but he says I'm off my head and controlling. AIBU to expect respect and to maintain boundaries?

She's the mother of his child but he's not allowed give her a lift? And he's afraid to tell you if he does? I'm with him, it does sound controlling.

How often are the outings?

You have to picture you and your DD as the ex family.
It’s not healthy or good for the DD for them to hate each other and not speak. Theres nothing inherently weird about the mother and a father having a coffee around their child.
You don’t like it, but he does and always will have a relationship with her, she’s the mother of his child.

Oh and op In regards to you going to outings with hers daughter please 🙏 remember in 2 years YOU could be the ex and it could be you having to have your Dc around somebody you dislike! Her mother doesn't like you that's why you are not invited love. And if the outings are not regular you would be intruding on those outings your own dc are getting unlimited access to your partner! Personally as somebody who's had relationships with people with kids ( never again) I'd focus on my home/relationship and tell you partner not to mention he's ex to you ever again! You don't wanna know if she's been slagging you off ex.

I’m with you. When they decided to split all the lifts and favours end. Ending a relationship is a realisation this person isn’t for you anymore. His obligations as a father don’t stop but they do as a partner. Bottom line is, you’re uncomfortable he needs to decide who to upset, you or her. If it’s you, which it has been for a long time, you know where you stand. At the bottom. Can you accept this or do you want someone who puts you firdt

Sounds like he's still committed to her and putting her feelings and wants before yours,

Why did they officially break up?

I say officially as it sounds like they're still together in some way. Are you sure they are not sleeping together? They certainly are cheating on you emotionally.

And why is his life with his DD so separate from your life with him and your daughter. You should be a family together: you, him, both of your DDs and doing things together.

In your situation I'd be looking out for signs of cheating such as his messages or info from mutual friends or scratches on his back or his mouth smelling like between her legs when he comes home to kiss you.

Sounds like he's still in love with her.

And what @BowlOfNoodles said

It’s a pity you had a child with him eith all this going on. Don’t have any more. It is definitely dodgy and the atmosphere can’t be great.

They usually do this when they don't want women sitting and exchanging information

If you didn't think that op you wouldn't be here. Have you been slagging her off and did you interfere in the early stages? My sons father had a girlfriend 10 years younger than me who was very Slender and she'd been saying I was a large hag lol to him and he's family ( no reason we'd never meet ) this ment I had absolutely zero respect for her from the get go and continued seeing him on any occasion I wanted to!

I don't think one co-parent giving the other a lift somewhere doesn't strike me as a transgression of normal boundaries.

I'm not too sure, from your post, what he's doing wrong.

Difficult situation but definitely needs hee and gim to be respectful.
Why does he feed comments back to you.
I would expect that to stop.
Some people have guilt parenting and cowl down to a partner, or is she manipulating.
You need to have boundaries & respect..driving together well, they will always be linked for life with a child, but I don't get why it means you are targeted by the ex.
He needs to stop the bullshit and you are not to be shunned for asking questions.