Is this odd for an 11 year old?

I wish there were some programmes on TV for children that age, where all this sort of thing was discussed. I was watching Stacey Solomon on Sort Your Life Out the other day and thinking she would be great at that sort of thing - Stacey Dooley, too.

You must be very worried. Is she eating properly? Is there any sign of her limiting food?

When you say she won't sit in the front, what happens if you were driving? Would she want to sit near you? Can you remember the first time that happened?

It's worrying that she said 'there's no point in telling you'. That implies there is something to tell, but she thinks telling you won't change things or help her. Could she be worried about how you might react ie she won't be believed/she might get told off/you won't do anything at all? I would just say that you're worried about her, and that she can come to you about anything. Reassure her that you love her, and you'll do anything to help her and keep her safe. Hopefully she'll open up.

I hope it is just hormonal, but my gut feeling is there's something she's worried about. Good luck, hope you get to the bottom of it and that your girl is ok.

My DS (now 17) can be a bit like this, I can tell if there’s something bothering him but he just won’t open up. What works for us is a drive out in the car. He seems to open up and tell me things when we’re not sat face to face.
I hope you get to the bottom of it, there’s nothing worse than knowing your child is struggling and not knowing why or being able to help.

Could she be turning disappearing messages on in WhatsApp?

I don't think it's necessarily to do with the phone though, we often assume as parents things are phone related and it often can be, but if she's not using it that much, and not allowed to have it in her room then I'm inclined to think it's to do with something else.

Sorry op I feel as though you're being quite naive about your semi rural and outdoorsy lifestyle, bullying, abuse etc can happen anywhere. You said yourself she brushes it off and says there's no point telling you when you ask if she's ok, that would really concern me in face if it was my dd it would confirm something is very wrong. You mention spending time together as a family and going for a hot chocolate together, but physically doing these things doesn't mean you have a close relationship emotionally.

Sorry I don't want to be negative but I do feel you're perhaps being a little naive about this and only seeing the surface level things.

Would she not come to you if she started her period, or would you expect to find out from emptying the bins? What you say is her being very mature for her age, could it actually be a front, like acting tough? Would she come to you for a hug when she needs one? There could be an element of her masking her true feelings, acting all sensible and grown up, she might have got the feedback that acting this way is a good thing and acting mature for her age is to be praised?

The door related behaviour could be OCD or security seeking / confirming. Same with sitting in the back seat I imagine. There's likely a lot of anxiety inside her. The kicking / banging noise when you leave her bedroom could also be an ocd type behaviour, or some kind of sign she's letting out certain feelings and wants you to know / notice. It could be her way of signalling to you that something's wrong and maybe inviting you to ask her? Have you asked her what exactly the noise is and why she's doing it? She may well say she doesn't know why she does it, I remember being very confused and overwhelmed by my feelings at that age. I would have struggled to verbalise them if my own dm had asked me if I was ok.

Also about her diary, my dm did this when I was 13 and I've never gotten over the sense of betrayal. I know in some situations it's justified like if a dc could be suicidal, but in your situation I don't think it's warranted.

Agree with pp just because she's been looking forward to going to secondary since she was younger, it doesn't mean she's still feeling the same way now. Unless she's telling you she can't wait and is visibly showing signs of excitement. Think how much her brain will have developed and changed over that time, she can't have had a true concept of what leaving primary behind and starting secondary is truly like at that age. At the moment she's actually living through the experience and may be feeling very different to how you imagined.

Online bullying?

I would checked her social media if she had them or ones you might not know about?

check internet history. It sounds a bit worrying.

Try talking to her, ask from a place of interest and not judgement

She brushes it off when I try to ask her what’s wrong, just says there’s no point telling me

See, that's the bit that is very concerning, isn't it - honestly, given that response I would choose an appropriate time and place - her bedroom if she's comfortable there, and I would say "I know I'm invading your space (etc) BUT there is nothing you can't tell me, nothing, so, tell me" or whatever words work for you and sit there till she caves because really, if even she is saying "it's something" without saying what it is then it is something, and you need to know what.

I don’t think reading her diary would help, as it betrays trust so much.
Diaries to a child are very private.

If there is anything awful written about there, how Will OP broach it?

” Oh I unlocked your Diary and had a goood old read of your thoughts as I’m worried about you?”

That won’t fly with most kids.

Better to get advice as to how to sensitively ask about issues OP is worried about.

Diary reading never ends well, because of the trust issue.

Sounds like there really is something going on that has frightened her. I hope you get to the bottom of it.

I just wanted to say - my DD is 12. Hormones have definitely started since she was 11, but no periods as of yet. I didn't start mine until I was 15 so not expecting it any time soon but I do remember feeling hormonal for a good couple of years before my periods started.

Also Y6 seems to be the time issues can develop with friends among the girls. Some of the girls have become so grown up. My DD was still playing with dolls. DD did have a few friendship issues.

Good luck

Normally I would not read my child’s diary but honestly in this case I think I would as her behaviour points to a serious problem. But I would have a serious think about what I would do with anything I found out, as I would absolutely not want my child to know I’d done this.

Her behaviour could be anything from low self esteem about her appearance, anxiety, depression, bullying, SA. But it doesn’t sound like normal hormonal grumpiness. Her saying there’s no point in telling you what the problem is means there is one and she doesn’t trust you enough to tell you. Build the trust, make sure you’re a safe space for her emotions and prove that you will protect her

Absolutely true.
I’m so sorry this happened to you, too @Footbull
As were my two rural living “Free range” female friends as children .
Abusers were people known to the families.

It’s unlikely she’d go to you ( out of shame and disgust) if someone she knows possibly SA her or crossing boundaries, especially if it’s someone she knows.
Even if you were to ask outright she may deny it .

It might be an idea to take advice on how to broach this possibility with her.

I hope it’s not this, for your daughter’s sake.

As for snooping in her diary
Don’t!!

That will hugely undermine ANY trust she has in you.
Good luck OP ( and especially your DD)

Although having read your more recent update about the car etc it does sound worrying. Does she ever get lifts with other adults?

My son who is the same age and stage got very upset recently when we watched a film with some very mild sexual humour, I think it made him really embarrassed and he described it as 'disturbing'. It hadn't crossed my mind he would be upset as the film was tame and appropriate age rating. I think its probably just hormones but yes to checking the phone etc.

@Phonesthesedays Could your daughter in any way be being SA by an older child??

At a young age I was allowed out to play with a friends son ( 14) who was not the kid my parents thought he was.

It made me feel invaded and confused.
Edit he was the son of their friends
very middle class jolly family.

So she has a lot of unsupervised time every day with other kids, going to their houses or playing in woods/parks etc?

I would worry that something may have happened. Although I really, really hope not, and that it’s just hormones.

This would be my concern, too.

The car thing is quite worrying along with the locking in bathroom/ (what sound like near) panic attacks about doors being shut and potentially hitting herself on things in her room. To me it sounds like the extremes of hormones if it is just a case of her being overwhelmed and growing up but I’d have a few alarm bells going off with the combination and severity of what she’s doing that seems centred around her body and her safety. Is she ever alone with adults, like getting lifts home etc?

It seems like you are quite naive OP. You're painting the idyllic picture of her out in the fields all day and not interested in anything that would worry you. I grew up in the country, it probably looked like that on the outside too but I got into all kinds of friendship problems, was sexually abused and felt completely alone through my teenage years. I think you need to drop the picture you've painted and try to see what's really going on here.

Sorry this happened to my friend and it’s rang some alarm bells off in my head especially about the behaviour and the car thing you mentioned
my friend was abused by her uncle touching her in his car she didn’t tell anyone about it until years later she was around 12
does she ever get lifts anywhere
what about the local kids houses could something happened there
hope it’s none of these things but I can understand your worries about her

Have you spoken to her about how she feels OP. If she’s feeling overwhelmed with hormonal changes she might be very scared.

I was sexually abused by a friend's dad at around this age and began to behave like your daughter. I have never told my parents as we lived rurally and my dad had guns and I know my dad would have killed him. I carried on visiting their house to see my friend and the abuse continued, getting worse and worse. My self harm was removing my toe nails. I became hyper sexualised and have had a pretty difficult life.

You don't need to ask her if it's happening to her, but please make sure she knows right from wrong touching and that she can tell you. Don't use language like ket me know if anyone hurts you and I will kill them or sort them out at this made me too scared to speak out about it.