Is this odd for an 11 year old?

100% to all of this and you have expressed it so eloquently @TheShiningCarpet

Of course you are not doing a bad job @Phonesthesedays. You love your daughter and have her best interests at heart but I echo what was said above in that your daughters whereabouts/phone activity/emotional wellbeing is just presumed to be all lovely. At 11, you need to know her whereabouts, who she is hanging around with, who is dropping her home, what time you can expect her. This is all pretty fundamental and it's in no way to micromanage her but perhaps maybe realise that blind trust in the universe and expecting that all will be well when raising a teenage girl isn't the best approach.

And I hate to say it but the expectation that once she divulges what's wrong she can then relax for her holiday isn't at all realistic.

I also think a visit to a paediatric counselling psychologist might be the way to go.

@Phonesthesedays Also....remember you ARE a good parent, as you instinctively know that something isn't ''Right''.

Mum when I told her many years later {she knew both perpetrators } actually said ''I thought Mr Hull was acting strangely when we got back''

My friend said she never told her parents {both are dead now}, but her Dad warned her once ''Be careful around {Name}''

The man was already abusing her by then, and she was too afraid to say anything.

They were in a Village, and he had an interesting house and garden, and lived with his Mother.

Has she lost weight recently? Could she be exercising in her room? Is she trying to hide her body and that’s why she doesn’t want to sit in the front? Or is she trying to make herself sick as you said this is what happenes when she sits in the back?
I guess I’m trying to say be careful of it’s not an eating disorder, you don’t necessarily need to be low weight to have an eating disorder and she could be exercising to burn calories rather than vomiting.

is she talking to someone online?

it could be more innocent, is she uhm having some sexual exploration in her room and that would explain the bed sounds? Doesn’t explain the other behaviour though.

another thing that popped into my head is OCD, is she generally v anxious?

You are not doing a bad job, life is complex and difficult.

but I would encourage you to pay more attention - you should know this level of detail, think of it as risk management in action - doesn’t mean these things will happen but by knowing as much as possible you can put in mitigations for example stricter controls around Phone use greater oversight of what’s happening on the phone knowing who she’s in vehicles with her movements understanding what’s happening with the friendship group where she’s going et cetera et cetera all of this is just to create that sense of safety and I’d also encourage you just to reflect on the emotional side if you yourself feel a little bit emotionally unavailable then think about how you can model greater transparency and emotional openness with her - show her that it’s okay to express your emotions to talk about things good and bad it’s not about keeping on a brave face or trying to keep the picture of the perfect family. how you manage conflict how you resolve conflict and how you talk about big emotions. It’s only gonna help you in the long run as you moved towards the teenage years.

Well done about the safeguarding , and don't pressure your Daughter.

Ease right off.

If you weren't a victim of SA {If it is that} you wouldn't be naturally wary like the people who suffered it are.

A properly trained professional in this area would be best {I feel}.

It's very upsetting -Hopefully it's not that, but it sounds like she's had a serious upset because of how she is now behaving.

Front seat ''shotgun front seat!'' - that's usual with kids...

Being car sick in the hatchback part of the car.....bless her.

Even if she tells you it may not lead to her relaxing.

If you can try to get her into therapy. Even if nothing ‘major’ has happened, all of the changes at that age can be overwhelming and she may need support coping with her anxiety.

It’s possible that it is anxiety, but I find the front of the car and the changing in the toilets rather worrying.

Has she been alone in the car with anyone?

You won't be the first, @Phonesthesedays

I think having been a SA victim oneself, {like me and others on here} it makes one very aware of how these things can go on in the ''nicest'' of homes.

Please sleep on this @Phonesthesedays and wait until the weekend to talk to your son. You need to talk to your DH and work out a strategy between you on what to do. And do it after you've slept on it and less emotional....the best ideas come after a sleep.

I hope I didn't offend you when I said there is a disconnect. Raising kids is tough and while mine are very slightly younger than your DD, I know pre-teen/teens is tough going. I know some families aren't open about bodily/sexual functions, I just found it odd that you'd know if your daughter had her period if you saw evidence in the bathroom bin which suggests a relationship that may not be that open. And that's ok. And that's why you need her to be able to open up to someone if she doesn't feel able/is not used to opening up to you. This doesn't make you a bad parent, I appreciate that families have different dynamics.

This could be an insignificant issue to you and me or it could be serious. I'm hoping for your sake that it's something small which is magnified for your daughter and that you can help and support her with. But she needs a safe space to talk about it.

You can certainly ask your DS if he has noticed anything/knows anything but asking him to ask her is probably a mistake given that she already feels a little ganged up on.

After your teacher’s suggestion I think you should go to pastoral care or the safeguarding lead instead. I’m really shocked your teacher has suggested this or that she thinks she will get some kind of telling reaction. It’s more likely that your daughter will internalise her panic and become more anxious in order to not draw attention to herself than become upset or angry in front of her classmates like it sounds like your teacher might expect. I really think someone trained and experienced would be in a better position to help you as your DD already feels like she has no one to trust or talk to

This is an odd thread. I feel like the op is trying to lead to something but not actually saying it.

I'm not sure how else to phrase it.

What's your gut telling you Op?

I'm absolutely flabbergasted that a teacher would make such an idiotic, non child centric suggestion re your daughter getting changed. I mean it's nuts, it's unkind, it's unethical and really bloody bizarre and indicative to me of someone who hasn't the first clue about children and their needs and shouldn't be in the teaching profession at all.

I'm also shocked that you, as her mother, would think that this is even remotely OK @Phonesthesedays. To guage her reaction? Really?

I genuinely feel sorry for you and have grave concerns for your daughters mental wellbeing but there seems to be a significant disconnect between you and your daughter. Your approach to things is a little......odd.

On that basis I am not entirely sure that you are the person that your daughter will want to open up to and this is simply because there doesn't seem to be a precedence for it. This is something that you can both really work on in time but right now, while there is a potential crisis at play, your daughter really needs to speak to someone that she trusts and that she can open up to and if you're not used to having open and free dialogue then I'm not sure she will confide in you.

Is she particularly close to an auntie or grandmother maybe? Does she have a good relationship with her Dad? Can you think of another person who could talk to her?

Why the hell did the teacher suggest forcing her to change where she doesn’t feel safe?! What can that possibly achieve? Really strange suggestion.

I honestly think you should sit and ask her straight, not pussy foot over shopping trips. Get the house clear for 3 hours, sit on the sofa with her and explain you're worried as are her teachers etc and she can tell you anything without fear of judgement.

Even if everything is fine, she's 11 and you need to establish this type of open relationship now before she hits real teen era.

At present it seems like you're trying to tiptoe round the edges and guess which suggests she doesn't feel like she can talk to you.

What a horrible thing for the teacher to suggest!! Why are you ok with them forcing her to undress in front of other people when she clearly doesn’t want to?! This is so strange.

If it is SA, won't forcing her to get changed in front of the other children just traumatise her further? (Sorry, that sounds blunt and uncaring, I can just imagine I'd have hated it at that age.)

"Why would I be" is also a worrying response. That seems like a 'yes' to me (otherwise she'd have just said no).

Maybe instead of just "you can tell me anything" give her some examples of the kinds of things she could tell you- this works with my son as otherwise he just doesn't believe me.

Please don’t allow them to
force your child to change with others if that’s not her preference - that is not going to help her feel safe in her body or in her mind I think you need to try again and have another talk with her about what’s going on if she’s not happy to talk verbally that’s fine. Can you think of a way that she can indicate what’s bothering her either through diagrams or pictures or colours someway she can express herself without having to say the words out loud. Like if you played a game of warmer colder maybe that would allow her to start to open up an express what’s bothering her without having to tell you directly

It must be very worrying.
Instinctively, you have picked up that something is very amiss with your Daughter.

The car seat thing 'could' suggest that someone who was driving was inappropriate- When I mentioned upthread about my rural living friend, this is what happened to her.

She was given a lift - In her case, there was DNA proof, so the perpetrator was actually jailed.