To ask about your thoughts on visiting newborns…

I'd also add, close relatives couldn't have visitors due to covid regs and it really affected them, they didn't realise how hard it would be prior to being completely alone. So wish we could turn back the clock and I could have gone and helped, the reassurance of experienced family is invaluable

Do what you feel is right for you and baby. I wish I had. My MIL is extremely overpowering and I’m still upset at how she overstayed her welcome, held the baby for hours while I did housework or pumped (post C-section). I should have been in bed doing skin to skin. It was all about her bonding with LO. If I could go back in time I’d have got DH to set very clear boundaries from day 1.

Dads aren't post partum. The post partum period is a massive bodily upheaval and takes time to settle and establish life with a newborn. Men can get as butthurt and baby minded as they like, but the post partum period doesn't effect them at all.

This is a really lovely message and attitude to have and I hope OP takes it to heart.

I do find it a little unreasonable as family will be excited to meet them but it's fine to limit visits to 30 minutes or so if they are fairly local. It's very unreasonable to treat mil differently to your mum.

You may also change your mind, I had friends visit the same day and family the following day, my parents (overseas) came after a month for two weeks and it was just fine

You know what is actually incredibly unfair? Pregnancy and childbirth. The shit women have to go through for 9.5 months followed by major surgery while the man does a few extra chores around the house. That's unfair. And that's life.

This is not about the grandparents. This is not even about the baby. It's about a woman going through one of the hardest time of her life and wanting her own mother there. Why? Because her mum will be there to take care of her, her own child.

My exMIL was fine and polite but there is no fucking way she would be in any way helpful or sympathetic. Not someone you'd want to visit when you're in pain, bleeding, leaking, trying to breastfeed a newborn.

OP's needs and wants absolutely take priority.

Not true - it’s the dad’s baby too! And he may want to share the baby with his parents, in the same way OP does with her mum. Babies don’t belong to their mothers. Just be firm with boundaries with her.

Exactly. I never got over mine seeing me struggling to plug ds in to my massive boobs for his feeds. I felt so embarrassed and horrible. She was nice enough, but there was no dignity in sitting in a dressing gown all day shuffling round after a section and struggling to feed. She was older as well and couldn't help out and she had travelled so had to stay.

I had a horrible long labour with DS ending in an emergency c-section and the last thing I wanted was visitors the next day. I had both sets of grandparents and great grandparents descend in the first few days and it was tough. But over the last 20 odd years since DS was born, I’ve lost all but one of those people and get great pleasure from looking at photos of them all holding DS at just a few hours old in some cases. The look of utter love on their faces is really special.

Our DGS was born by emergency c section on Boxing Day and DDIL came home on the 27th. Her parents visited on 28th and we visited on 30th/31st. Her mum and dad live up the road, we live 3hrs away, so it needed arranging. We stayed in a hotel although they said we could stay there.

Obviously we went because we wanted to see the baby, but while we there DH went out and got shopping. I did laundry, tided up for them and changed the bed. We did all the meals and snacks too. I didn’t want them doing anything.

Before DGS was born, whenever we’ve been down we’ve stayed at the house, now we always stay in a hotel. They don’t need the extra work.

I think there’s visitors and there’s visitors. Yes, MIL will be desperate to see the baby, but she should have a cuddle then get up and help out a bit too.

She is not just a ‘visitor’ she is family. You should be able to be ‘vulnerable’ and tired and yourself with her around as much as your own mother. If you don’t feel able to, then I suggest you get your head around that now and get over it.

My midwife said the best thing you can do after the birth is sit around in your dressing gown. This is a signal to others that you are still recuperating and you’re not going to be buzzing around doing housework or making tea or hosting people. The rule is, if they come round, they muck in.

This results in people feeling included and it’s the village that surrounds you and your child. Those bonds last a lifetime if you let them. My DC are young adults now and still love and visit their GP. It’s a special thing. But we allowed them in right from the get go. We were in the joy of it all together and our family is stronger for it.

Yes it's wrong. They are both your baby's grandmother so don't set a precident for leaving your MIL out. I would just have grandparents for a quick visit first few days and other family and friends can wait a while if that's what you want. It really won't do your baby any harm to be cuddled by their loving grandparents either!

Same. I don't really get the fuss about not wanting visitors although we didn't have overbearing family to contend with.

Oh my God, the smell of my MIL's perfume on my baby. Just horrific!

Another recent thread of interest

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/5102725-whens-right-for-family-to-visit-newborn

Yes they can, and so can her mother!

Really surprised how many people saying it's not fair on MIL. YOU are the one going through pregnancy, birth and recovery - you get to decide when you're ready, and your DH should gatekeep/support you as much as needed to ensure you get time to rest and recover. Visitors can wait.

I'm torn on this one, but purely due to the fact we had no doting grandparents begging for a cuddle. I was desperate to show dc off, complicated pregnancy and birth, many physical issues still present now...it was lovely to have our 1st and just me, dh and baby. But at the same time I wish I could have had people around to admire dc as much as we did. It was quite lonely.

You've got to do what's best for you, but st the same time don't make rules you might regret. Does anything really need to be said pre birth? I'm sure your dh will keep people updated during delivery and then just play it by ear.

I think it would be unfair on your MIL. In fairness I never wanted the baby bubble, I wanted people to come and meet him as soon as we were home. In fact, my in laws were at my house when we arrived home!

But, visitors are up to you and if you don't want them that's perfectly reasonable but in the interests of fairness (to your OH too) I wouldn't have your mum before your MIL!

Grandparents have had their kids.. it's not mean and ppl need to respect boundaries.

Op it sounds like you want your mum there as she is more on your wavelength and mil is not. Also I agree with your mum, this passing the baby round is ridiculous. My siblings and I all have kids and when they were babies we didn't pass the baby round either. We would go to help each other with washing bottles and hanging the clothes out so the relevant mum could have time with the baby that suited what routine she wanted.If new mums had the peace to parent as they wished they would stress less.

That's really scare mongering. Hoe many new borns end up in ICU?

See how you feel at the time. A c- section is major surgery and you don’t know how you will personally feel after the birth until it happens. You might literally just want your partner or you might want your mum, and that’s ok. The adrenaline might hit like a freight train and you want to show your beautiful new baby off to everyone straight away in which case it’s win win for you and your in-laws. I really don’t think there’s a right or wrong way.

I’m due my 3rd right now. Pretty sure the only people I’m going to want to be around are my husband and older kids. And also my in-laws to a lesser extent because I love them, trust them and I can’t wait to make them (biological) grandparents for the first time. I want my own mum as far away from me as possible right after the birth because she stresses me out and upsets me and everyone else at the best of times. I honestly don’t care if that makes things “unfair”.

When she had a catheter hanging out of her and can barely walk and her nipples might be bleeding and she is on strong post major abdominal surgery medication? That is not the time to have a stream of people coming and going

I've a 5 week old and I couldn't tell people not to call but really wish they had given us and extra week or even 2. The exhaustion was next level and the house looked like a bomb hit it I nearly resented visitors even though I know they meant well. I in a light hearted way told people not to kiss her I know by some reactions people thought I was OTT but no way was I risking it. If I were to do it again I think I'd tell everyone in advance no visitors for at least the first week

I think yanbu to want your own mums round a lot to help when you're post surgery. I would let the MIL visit quite soon to get it over with but just tell her when you need the baby back and tell your DP in advance that if she doesn't immediately pass baby back then he needs to get baby off her. If he doesn't agree to that then I wouldn't let anyone hold baby's