To think that asking people if they have kids is an innocent question

Have a squizz at this thread, lots of examples of what arseholes people can be to childless or childfree women.

www.mumsnet.com/talk/childfree-mumsnetters/4845372-worst-comment-youve-had-as-a-child-free-woman

Why do you feel people will judge you? Genuine question.

I think the problem is people might feel judged for not having children. I don't have kids and I don't like being asked.

I really don't care what people ask me.
They can ask me "where does your dad live" and I'd just say that he's now dead but he used to live where he used to live. I won't be triggered at all.

If anything, I prefer people asking questions than people just talking about themselves. That's how you get to know people, which for me is always an enjoyable experience.

I found saying 'no I don't, I wanted them but unfortunately, life conspired against me'
was a 'light' way of saying, no but not through choice.

then moving the conversation on myself.

yes it still stabs at my heart, but it's less awkward & most people mean no harm

I find parents will always start talking about their kids fairly quickly anyway so it's not really a necessary question. I'm childfree by choice so I don't personally care about being asked but I understand for some it's not a choice (and honestly it's more ppl than you might think where that's the case).

I remember reading a newspaper interview with William Hague many years ago. He was asked if he and his wife wanted children and he said “Yes - and that is all I’m going to say on the subject.” I think that’s a perfectly good answer to the question of whether you have children if you find it upsetting. “No - and that is all I want to say on that subject”.

I think it is just a topic of conversation and it is unfair to expect no-one to ever ask that question in case it upsets a stranger. What you find upsetting is going to be completely different to what someone else does.

If you find being asked about something upsetting, isn't there some responsibility on you to have replies that satisfy the asker? Why are they automatically the bad person for not knowing your circumstances or being interested in you?

Can we also encourage people to stop with the invasive, presumptuous 'when you having your second?' 'is she your only?' 'time for a sibling!' comments.

I'm sure it's not anywhere near on the level of how someone feels who wants kids and can't have them when they're asked, but it's still incredibly personal and can be so very painful to hear. There have been times when a comment like that from a shopkeeper has had me holding back tears on the way back to the car and ruined the day for me. Yes it's my issue to deal with, yes therapy, yes not all about me, but what was the goal there? If it's to make polite conversation there are plenty of ways to do that without asking invasive nosey personal questions.

YABU

When you don't have kids and want them, being asked if you have them can be incredibly painful. That's a lot of pain to inflict on someone for your own idol curiosity.

Your right to keep asking anyway, but don't be surprised if people distance themselves from you for it.

I literally never ask. In situations where the conversation is lots around children and the other person is asking a lot about my child and making comments about kids I might say something like 'do you have any kids in your life?' or something, which gives someone the opportunity to contribute with 'yes, I'm very close with my niece' or something, but largely I try to just not ask.

Operate on the assumption that if someone wants to talk about their child they will bring them up.

Lots of well-meaning conversational topics can be quite hurtful to others. It's nice to be thoughtful and respectful when possible.

It's helpful to learn other ways of widening the conversation and showing curiosity about the other person other than the old boring 'do you have kids' 'what's your job' questions. It's nice to ask 'have you been anywhere nice lately?' (doesn't have to mean holidays, could literally mean the local park) 'what do you enjoy doing in your downtime?' 'have you seen any good shows lately?' or whatever.

@Rycbar so sorry to read this, how awful for you.

Oh love that's horrible. Hugs to you x x

😸

I've never made a Zoom call but during my last Whatsapp call with friends there was a moment when the screen (tiny, because stupid WhatsApp only works on my phone) went mysteriously grey and fluffy ...

I love seeing cats on Zoom calls!

Plenty of mine have made appearances too, though my current pair are usually too busy snoring in the window.

Me too - I see so many MNetters complaining about endless pets on Zoom calls but during the lockdown it was 24/7 everyone’s kids and I was bored senseless!

I'd love to get a job like that!

Half my team at work are childfree but have cats 😀.

I'm as likely to say "Hell no" (or "Fuck no" depending on the audience) if someone asks. I don't want them getting the idea I want to hear about their children.

Cats, however ... 😻

But even worse would be to say "nah I don't want them" to a parent. Some might take that the wrong way.

I’d happily say ‘No, I prefer cats’ and then start telling them about my fostering.

I wouldn’t ask anyone if they had kids though. I’m happy to make polite conversation about them but the topic doesn’t interest me particularly.

I don't have a problem being asked. However, I'm not sure why anyone would want to know.

Just to add to my previous post, although I don't mind being asked myself, it isn't something I tend to ask other people, just in case it is a sore point.

This.

Asking the question itself isn't that much of a problem (well, not for me anyway) but I tend to find that a lot of people don't know where to go from that 'no'. Some immediately start to look awkward and you can see them trying to figure out if it's a sore point (fair enough), some are blunt enough to ask why not, and invariably there are always some who will put their heads on one side and coo that there's 'still time.' (And in my experience some people will still say this even when told someone is childfree by choice. Although mercifully for me that has ceased now I'm post-menopause. I knew there had to be a silver lining somewhere.😂)

I think the question is harmless in its intent, but I don’t like being asked it either, because I feel uncomfortable. I work with kids and am of child bearing age, so I see why people ask. But the answer is hard as I really want my own but am struggling to make that happen, for various long winded and personal reasons. I feel if I wanted the person to know this long and sensitive backstory, they would be my close friend and would already know it- yet the person usually asking this is a work colleague or client or stranger and i don’t want to feel I have over shared more than I am comfortable because of the questionner making me feel awkward. Yet, Also it feels awkward conversationally to just say “no I don’t.” And leave it there as a silence, without elaborating (and I notice they sense this by the way they often stutter and fumble.). I just commented on another mumsnet question about asking q’s in convo, saying basically my conversation style is to take turns to make comments or share stories, and not ask questions. I think as long as you leave pauses and look interested whenever anyone volunteers a comment/story, you don’t need to ever ask anyone any questions! But each to their own- and people mean well when they ask.