To think my SIL is over the top for this?

Missing a family holiday for that? A massive overreaction in my opinion.

Wonder what punishment he'd get for something serious? 🙁

It way too far a punishment, he’s made a mistake and will be embarrassed and learned a lesson, to exclude him from the whole family is awful

Good on her, what a vile thing for him to say.

Calling someone butch doesn't mean there fat 🤣 so will not encourage an eating disorder.

Butch means manly.
Like a butch lesbian.

She's ripping it with not allowing him to go to the wedding.... its not a family holiday it's a destination wedding.

Just wow.

I don’t know any 15 year old who would be happy to miss a holiday and have to stay home with his gran, and then to hurl abuse at him. Puts you on the same level as him. Pot meet kettle.

Is a 15 year old lad really going to be bothered about missing his aunts wedding? Is your sister?

I think he sounds like a nasty little shit and missing a holiday is appropriate. I dont think they'll regret it like others have said, I regret not being harsher with my daughter.

@Iwasafool my brain must be on satellite link today! 😂of course it must be the other nan, the op doesnt say but that must be it. I was thinking poor mum!

Simply, actions have consequences.
His parents have made the decision that he won’t be going to a family wedding/holiday. Doesn’t matter about anyone else’s feelings or what they deem as proportionate. Undermining a parent or disagreeing with the way they choose to raise their child is a guaranteed way to ruin relationships. Accept their decision and move on.

I assumed it was his other nan he'd be staying with. Is it the bride's mum?

Yes I understand, just wanted to make it clear that girls can be bullies and boys can be supportive. I nearly cried one day when I went into school raging after yet another vile incident, as I spoke to teacher every boy in that class moved their chairs away from the girls, it was like an "I'm Spartacus" moment as one moved and it rippled round the room. She was 11 and these girls made her suicidal and as a Christian I am ashamed to say I will never forgive them but I will always think fondly of those little boys.

I think your SIL knows her son a hell of lot better than you and it's great your brother is backing her.

I think you should butt the fuck out!

He's not your son. Let them parent their kid how they think best. What he did was terrible. That poor girly may remember they for the rest of her life!

What do you want from this thread? So you can gloat and show your brother?

Totally agree and I find it odd, all this fuss that nephew can't go but no mention of why nan (brides mum) not going, no one seems bothered by that. Wasn't she invited? Didn't she want to go? Can she not travel or afford to go ( why book a wedding your mum can't get to) they feel punished because a 15 year old can't go but don't care about mum, seems more about bitching about sil. At least nan/mum will have company while the rest of the family are having this huge family get together without her!

YABU

Your SIL is amazing, I wish all parents were like this.

But he is generally a really good kid

No he isn't if he thinks it's hilarious to gang up on a girl with his mates calling her 'butch'.

Your SIL is amazing! Behaviour like this should be ounished... A 14 year old boy threatened to rape my 12 year old daughter on the way home from school and the school punishment was a 2 day suspension, his parents did nothing apart from tell me he was a good Christian boy and he shouldn't be punished by missing out on his education. I was and still am fuming!

It's heartening to see people keeping things into perspective and not over-reacting completely over school incident. 😂

I know that I'm late to the tread but he's not a "good boy" he's a nasty misogynistic bully who needs to learn that he can't treat women and girls like that and that won't happen with people like you making excuses for him.

Absolutely awful behaviour, good on your sil for cracking down since the school seems to have been useless but I do think the punishment doesn't fit the crime. If it was just a regular holiday sure but not for a wedding, the bride and groom haven't done anything, went punish them too?

I agree with @knockyknees that weaponising the wedding is unfair and honestly if it were me I'd be devastated not only that he's not coming but that my wedding had been used like this! And I think it's good for teens to have a lot of family time even if they think it's boring lol. It's also unconnected, they're better off setting him to research and write an essay on the impacts of bullying with current stats etc.

Ultimately, frustrating as it is, your SIL her rules though

@Iwasafool i didn’t mean to imply that only boys can bully. Girls can be equally as horrible and have just as devastating an impact on their victim. I just felt that the post I highlighted has many similarities to the OP’s but from the other side and the impact on the bullies target was worth considering when commenting on whether the OP’s SIL’s punishment was over the top.

Just for balance my DDs life was made a misery by a group of girls bullying her, the boys in her class were incredibly supportive.

Are you yourself, using the word 'butchy' to mean lesbian?

"my nephew has been found, alongside a few other boys, to be calling a girl 'butchy' butch."

So did your nephew called her butch? Or did he call her butchy butch?

Because if you are using the word butchy yourself to describe a teenage girl, as it reads to me, that's pretty shit of you and suggests your own homophobia may be why you're willing to excuse your nephew's bullying.

I initially thought your sister was right to crack down hard on her son but it was the wrong punishment. However I went straight from your thread to this one

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/bullying/5110826-how-can-i-help-my-daughter-who-is-being-ridiculed

not your nephew obviously but similar in that a bunch of boys are bullying a girl and making her life awful to the point she doesn’t want to go to school anymore. When you read about the damage done to the girls involved in these types of incidents then I’m not sure your SIL has got it wrong.

Homophobic comments are a hate crime, under the public order act. My son is currently being called 'gay' at school, and this is having a significant impact on his emotional state. School haven't been the most responsive and I have referred the case to police. Good on her for putting the boundaries in. Being the parent of the bullied child is really hard, for us experiencing behaviour issue and is really distressing for all involved.

Bullying is awful and the long term impact on the child is awful. Terrible response from the school.

I'm astounded that your SIL and brother themselves still want to attend a wedding where there seems to be so much family animosity towards them!! Are they going to be made miserable on their holiday by everyone blaming them for "ruining" the wedding ?? Are they to be punished and their holiday ruined by ill feeling and malice due to their parenting choices, which are theirs and theirs alone to make?? I think I'd be bypassing the wedding and going on a different holiday !! It seems in your family that it's OK to upset the parents but God forbid you upset a nasty malicious little bully!!

So, it’s not your wedding, and it’s not your son. Your brother, whose son you are concerned about, and his wife have agreed what they see as an appropriate punishment for a horrendous bit of bullying.

Firstly I don’t understand why you are criticising you SIL so vehemently when the decision is as much down to your brother. Secondly, I am sure they know their son better than you, no matter how close you think you are as a family. Thirdly, you don’t know, and nor is there any reason for them to involve you, how they intended it to play out. Maybe it’s a short sharp shock to hammer home to awfulness of the behaviour, but that they fully intended to back down nearer the time - if the son appeared to have fully take on board the seriousness of what he’s done. You, and others, interfering, will probably have taken that option off the table now though!!

If the girl and her parents are in agreement his mother should take him to make a face to face apology and to sit and listen whilst the girl explains how hurtful this is.