Need to go off work with stress - but don’t want it marked as stress

Take the time off op. Ask the doctor to write 'family stress' not 'work related stress.' your card shouldn't be marked for this, it's usually the people who can't cope with workplace demands that it adversely affects. Paid sick leave is one of your benefits, use it!

People are being unduly harsh here, you're having a really hard time. It's okay to take some time out and focus on yourself and your family for a little while.

Do a few nice things for yourself and take your eldest out of school for a few days while your youngest is cared for and do some special things with them. Put some things in place for your parents, use the time to get on top of your house, long walks, whatever it is that you need to do. It will make the world of difference.

This is temporary. It will get better.

Big shout out to all us migraines sufferers out there that our symptoms are so easily faked. No wonder no one takes the situation seriously.

Also, if you are off for 6 months (conveniently coming back before the half pay starts as is always the case) - people know you have said stress. It doesn't matter what you put down, everyone always knows or just assumes. Unless there was some tragic accident etc.

Also, lying equals bad karma.....

I would also recommend being honest op. I think the CS are more likely to just want to manage out anyone with high sickness % rather than MH conditions, so you'd likely be in the same boat.

However. If you really, really wanted it to be something physical...headaches. You'd need to go the whole hog though. Call in sick for two days, tell them you have the most awful headache. Go back for two days. Call in sick again with the same. Go see a GP, describe all the symptoms of cluster headaches you've experienced over a couple of weeks (without appearing to know what CH are) but add in that you've been so worried about it you've not been sleeping, are exhausted, now can't concentrate, you're worried about making mistakes in work and having to drive and you're experiencing anxiety. The liklihood is that GP will sign you off for a couple of weeks (push for a month) with primary cause of headache...and will give you meds, possibly order other tests. Don't take them, see the GP again after a few weeks, say they stopped temporarily but are now back with a vengeance. Rinse and repeat as long as you can.

Cluster headaches are literally that...you can get a cluster of them for x weeks or months then they just stop. Sometimes for years or forever. Very hard to prove, diagnose and treat. It's not uncommon to still be searching for a medication or treatment that works when the cluster ends after X months and you no longer need the treatment.

Do research into CH and if you feel the need, I'd do that. But you need to be able to stone cold lie about it which not everyone is capable of.

**Edited to add my sympathy and best wishes op. Ignore the righteous, unempathetic holier than thou posters. What you're experiencing is stress and burnout, it's real and fucking miserable and sometimes all you need is time to breathe. And yes, work is the best thing to give if you have full sick pay.

I agree with this, take some time, but use that time to make a plan. Because this isn't a short term situation and it sounds like you need to really think about how to get life more manageable long term

That may well mean going part time because that's better than being off sick so much you lose your job

And your employer will want to hear you are being proactive to improve things.

It will hopefully be easier to chart a way through if you take a bit of time to just stop.

But then you do need to work out a new balance, even if it means money is very tight for a while

My 4 year old Autistic non-verbal, non-potty trained nephew is doing amazingly well in mainstream school (2.5 hours a day with 1-1 support)

Yes I am lucky that I have a lunch break and wfh most of the week so my HV came to my house to do the counselling every Friday lunchtime so that she could work it around my work commitments.

I'm not lucky in the sense that I should have been having this through the cmht as I qualified for a cpn when I moved house in August 2022. Him coming every 2 weeks turned into him coming once and nearly 2years on I haven't seen himself a second time. I have heard he went on sick due to stress and then left.

I'm on the severe mental illness register and I now have a meeting with a nurse with my GP surgery every 3 months. Again sacrificing lunch and /or working in the evenings once my daughter is in bed or working over the weekend which often happens anyway.

My point was just because a situation can't be changed doesn't mean there isn't anything that can be done to change the impact of the situation on the person. I have over the years had to prioritise my mental health having had many mental health breakdowns. At one point I was working 26/28 days a month averaging 70+h a week but still had to find the time for monthly counselling and weekly disability mentoring. That helps made the difference between being able to keep waking up and getting through the week and not surviving at all.

If you check the relevant policies, you don't have to tell your manger what you are off sick for, you can just tell hr.

My GP signed me off with exhaustion rather than stress, when I didn't want stress on the certificate

As a manager, you either take the wok on yourself or decide what needs to give in order to be manageable.

If you can't hire in agency, you reduce the work outputs.

If that has consequences, it's a business issue for the higher ups as well because it's demonstrating just how overworked / poorly treated / understaffed the team are if there is no capacity to soak up tasks at a manageable level even on a short term basis.

Because wanting to lie about sickness so you can be off work on full pay is unacceptable. There’s nothing you could lie about that wouldn’t be unfair on genuine sufferers and if your stress is as real as you say then it’s a valid reason to be off. If it’s not a valid reason to be off, then don’t take time off. Either way, don’t lie.

Ah OP this sounds like such a hard time. Do you have a good relationship with your manager? I’d sit down and think about what you really need. Is it a month off or a temporary reduction in hours, or more support from your manager? I’d be really honest if I were you, I honestly don’t think taking time off for your mental health is frowned upon in a way it used to be even 10 years.

Id also think about how you frame where your stress is coming from, if any of it is stemming from your work then a good manager will address this. If it is all home based then make it clear that you need period of leave for your mental health. Mental health is just as important as physical health.

In the longer term I would sit down and think about how you can ease the mental load for yourself, this is really important for your wellbeing and it may include getting your husband on board to understand why this is so difficult for you. But in the short term, please consider being honest with your manager and seeing if you can come to some kind of short term agreement to give you a mental break.

Not really. In some workplaces there is no alternative. If there is no budget to employ cover, and the person off sick won't reduce their hours, what would you do as a manager?

I agree that the system is wrong though, which is what I tried to address in my post with practical suggestions that you have ignored.

Are you sure that their discrimination was against long term sick with stress per se or just with long term sick in general? Disgusting that they discriminate- we are human beings.

I agree with a pp- think I’d be honest about it being stress but attribute it to current one off situation so they are less judgmental. Shame you’d have to do this though and they can’t just improve their attitude

To be fair other people are not her problem. She has enough going on in her life , besides worrying about other people 🙄

I'm not kicking you @Marshallscrossing . I have said that in an ideal world there should be opportunities for people to take a step back when things get too much, and suggested that you consider dropping your hours so someone else can do your work and get paid for it as part of their contract until you are well enough to go back to the hours you are currently paid for. How is that 'kicking you'?

Pushing your work onto an already stressed colleague is not showing concern for them, though. I do sympathise, but you seem to want all the concern to be one way, and that is what I'm saying. Trying to close down opposing points of view is not a great look when it comes to considering others either.

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/4926897-being-signed-off-work-with-stress

Very similar situation so. Maybe the replies might be helpful to you.

I would start by talking to your GP and your manager anyway

Nor does she need to. Her responsibilities are to herself and her children. Not her colleagues.

If a shit manager has dumped work on you, that's the fault of the shit manager, not the person off sick.

That's great for you but when you combine working with caring, the you often don't have this 1h. I was refused by the counselling service when I was referred as I struggled with work and care (and no childcare and support network) and didn't have anyone to look after my child in order to speak to someone. I would image it is similar if OP with a busy working schedule.

There was an identical thread to this a few months ago, are you the same OP? Sorry to see that nothing has changed.