In-laws arrange events knowing my eldest will be at her dad’s

@ThoroughlyDisgruntled would you be happy with dh agreeing with your seeing his family ban, if he then bans contact with any of your family too?

This is what happens in blended families everyone is not the same and can't do everything the same

He thinks I am being emotional and keeps repeating that she will be with her dad and why would I alter that so she could go to an unrelated person’s wedding reception.
...and presumably she has lovely fun celebrations with her biological fathers' family that her younger half siblings don't have?
So am I unreasonable to want my girl at events with her sisters I think you are, they are half sisters and your girl has a whole other family (and maybe other half siblings?) to love her.

They did. To ensure the DSD/DD wasn't there.

I don't think the OP is expecting her child to be included in everything. I think what she would like is for her child not to be excluded from everything.

It's not as if they are forcing someone to be at home doing nothing. Your daughter (who isn't their blood relative) will be spending the weekend with her father. She can't expect to attend absolutely everything, and you cannot expect that on her behalf.

Clearly you are 'hard of thinking' since when the OP said she could rearrange her daughter's contact time the sil didn't want her to? The daughter is not invited.

The daughter is purposely excluded. How much thinking do you need to do about that? Other than to make the OP feel more shit than she already does?

No, of course not. But they could invite the stepdaughter. We sometimes rearranged contact so that my stepchildren could attend events with my side of the family.

I apologise in advance for being hard of thinking here, but do you really think your BIL and his wife should have arranged their post wedding celebration around your daughter’s contact schedule with her dad?

I always planned things with my side of the family when DSC were with their DM. It was just easier. They preferred his full attention when they were with us anyway, so it worked out better if he spent time with them on their weekends and we socialised when they were not around. And yes, we tried to socialise with them; they were highly anxious and couldn’t cope. They would see DH’s family, obviously, but not mine.

Your daughter is not part of your DH's wider family.
We've had this issue too - it's fine and actually makes it easier.

Exactly!! Way to go making the others resentful of the one kid that gets EVERYTHING about them!

One of my DN's isn't blood related but we have never treated them any differently to any other child of the family.

I'm not saying that OP is lying. She clearly believes that this is what happened. That doesn't mean that she's right and that timing of the event was built entirely around her daughter's unavailability.

It just doesn't make sense. There's a massive amount of organisation around such an event and the availability of the important people.

And yes, I'm absolutely entitled to put that point on a discussion message board.

If they don't treat my child as family, then I would be of the assumption that as I'm not blood related either, then they don't count me as daily either.

Given that they think so little of one of my children, then I wouldn't be going out of my way to do much for them. DH would be in charge of all things for his family moving forward and I wouldn't bother my arse going to events that are organised if I wasn't feeling in the mood for it. I wouldn't be reminding DH of birthday/Xmas pressies etc.

This is horrible. Okay, in laws don't see your eldest as 'theirs', but to deliberately other her is just nasty. You didn't see it because it didn't occur to you that people in your own family could be so mean.

I'd tell my husband they've been doing this and then I'd become unavailable to the in-laws. No going out of my way to attend their events - polite, but no favours. No rearranging anything I wanted to do in order to prioritise their wishes. No helping them out if they need it. Emotionally and practically, they'd be dead to me.
If your dh wants to take the kids to see them, it would be on him to do it - no facilitating visits, no remembering to buy them birthday and Christmas gifts. They would literally be in the same level to me as any other acquaintance.

@saraclara if you don't believe this is happening then why even reply? We have what the OP has said. She believes this is happening (and also said on an event for her daughter most in-laws declined the invite).

You are denying the OP her belief that her in laws are excluding her daughter? From what she has said they are. However you seem to know better?

You are also 'unrealted' but have been invited.
You've been invited to a family event, but your eldest has been excluded. While they might not have meant any harm I think you need to find a way to help your husband understand how this could affect your eldest. And then let him deal with it.

I'd be tempted to tell your husband to go with the younger kids, and say you're not going as you're not related.

Not sure I'd make a big deal over this. Presumably your child goes to celebrations on her dad's side without her siblings?

Your husband chose to accept your child into his life, his parents don't really have a choice. It seems they're kind when they see her and treat her equally to her siblings. It makes more sense to see ILs on your child's contact weekend too, because then you're free for the other weekends to see your side.

Families can really suck. Just let them control their pathetic invites. At some point, you can return the favour and NOT invite them to something you plan, when your daughter will be present. Of course they will understand (heh heh)

So I will test myself here. I am very close to my niece and nephew. Take them on fun holidays (individually), spend a lot of time with them, pay them pocket money and have them in my will.

if my sister remarried tomorrow and gained a step child would I consider that child to be my niece or nephew? Probably not. Would I take the step child on holiday and include them in my will, also probably not.

woild I invite them to parties at my house, absolutely. Buy them Christmas and birthday presents, of course. Take time to get to know them, of course.

while adults should of course be welcoming and
kind. You can’t always expect step families to work like birth and adoptive families.

See my thread on something similar:

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/stepparenting/4771584-grand-parents-rejecting-step-children

my parents organise events for when my step-children aren’t present because they won’t invite them to anything. It’s nasty and horrible and has caused a huge rift between me and my parents that I am stuck hiding from the kids because I don’t ever want them to think they’re a problem or unwanted.

Put it this way, if my partner family treated our eldest this way(my son from previous relationship that dp has raised since aged 2) I would not be marrying him this summer. I personally would just message her father ask if his OK to switch weekend and then say to her dd will be with us. If you want us as a family we can make it if not then we will all be absent from this and any future events.

Yes it's quite egocentric is it not to think that the step dd of a relative NOT being there is such an essential factor in someone's wedding planning that things have been planned around this?

You could just turn up with all 3 kids.. arrange with her dad to change the contact for that day without telling anyone, is that a possibility?