To feel like I have to pay this off for DD’s sake? How can I do it?

I am paying a mortgage on my own, as a single parent.

Yes I worry, but I know that I have (hopefully) mitigated any hiccups.

Payment protection insurance, long-term sickness cover, life insurances (one for the mortgage and one that pays out a lump sum), plus I know I can apply for benefits should I need them. I don't worry about overpaying - I will in the future if I can, but not at the expense of eating and living life.

That sounds very sensible.

If you own - it's better than private rental security wise for kids - and many two parent families privately rent and have to move fairly frequently.

We own kids nearly out the door and nearer 50 than 40 and are years away from paying off the mortgage - frankly pleased we built a buffer with overpayments. Plus it's way less monthly payment than local rents even for smaller houses.

I personally would have though you'd be better off overpaying a bit and building up 6-12 months savings but in a planned way not at expense of not eating or making today miserable for both you and your DD.

It's useful to know you suffer from anxiety and that you've made an appointment to talk to your GP about your condition.

A lot of 2 parent household both don’t earn equally, nor do both earn enough if the other lost their job to cover the mortgage. Lots of people have a minimal income and their spouse is the main or sole earner… no difference between this and your situation

I think you just need a good friend to show you the other side of things and why things are actually good for you. Or just the people on here!

Worry not!

xxx

Agree with others your being a bit ott. We are a 2 parent family, but only 1 income. I can’t work, originally it was to save childcare costs, now it’s due to health reasons, but I’m not entitled to any kind of benefits so we live of DHs salary alone, with 3 DCs. In the early years it was extremely hard his salary was £28k, we paid the bare minimum on mortgage. He’s had pay rises over the last 9 years since we bought our first house ( both in our 40s). But due to col we haven’t been able to pay extra off as planned as with lots of people our mortgage payments have gone up. We are a lot closer to 50 than 40!

Our DCs aren’t missing out, they might not do everything their friends do, we don’t go on overseas holidays but we manage and they are happy. We just find away round things, term time holidays in a caravan, save vouchers for theme parks, picnic and kite flying at the park.

Unless you’re planning on sending your DCs to a private school you are being extremely unreasonable. Just because there are 2 parents dosnt mean they are financially better off than you.

OP, I had five children, was a lone parent and no cms. I was in a rented house. I occasionally had sleepless nights as to what would happen if the landlord decided to kick us out, but once I'd made a contingency plan as to how we'd live if this happened (I can't even remember what my plan was, it was a long time ago - move into a caravan on a friend's field, I think) I felt better.

It sounds as though your anxiety is getting the better of you. Your DD needs you to be fit and well and with robust mental health, so maybe have a word with your GP or your health visitor about the way you are feeling. Your DD has a roof over her head which is secure as long as you keep up the mortgage, and that's more than a huge number of people have at the moment, so maybe confront your 'worst case scenario' and get contingencies in place, but also have a word with the GP about maybe some medical assistance.

Believe me, all your child needs in life is your love. I am sure she will tell you that herself once she is older!

I think you maybe worry too much. If you a worrier, then try to reframe this as: "If I don’t pay this off by the time DD is at SECONDARY school (ie by the time I’m 52) I feel like she is going to be at such a huge huge disadvantage in life"...

Don't stress. I doubt many of her friends will be living in a mortgage-free house! How many teenagers can say that?!

Get life insurance if you're worried don't over pay if it is sacrificing you eating well

Well done @Hyre

You do know there are benefits out there if something happens?

But the best thing would be an appointment with an independent financial advisor to put your mind straight

As cliche as it is. You need money to enjoy your daughter now. You don’t know what’s around the corner. You need to eat, do pic nics, little days out. Don’t sacrifice that now for the future. You can make more money, you can’t make more time.

We have only had our mtg a year. My husband is 40. You are being absurd!!

Mine's going to be paid off by the time I'm 67 thanks to divorce. I'm not sweating it, there is nothing I can do about it. Give yourself a break.
DD can always get a weekend job if she needs more money, that's what I had to do and it didn't do me any harm at all.

OP, you are over thinking this. You cannot see into the future and while I understand your concerns about security, there are other things you can do to achieve this.

Firstly, set your mortgage payments at an affordable level so you are not scrimping to an extreme degree. Presumably your home fulfils what you need, if you are able to downsize then do so.

Make sure you have life insurance, critical illness and income protection in place if you can. The earlier you start these, the cheaper the premiums. This will mitigate your anxieties about only one income.

Look hard at your budgets and check you are not wasting money.

Make a 5 year, 10 year and 20 year cash plan. At your age you would ideally be looking to have paid off your mortgage by mid 50s.

Don't forget to add in retirement plans which does mean some pension contributions but can also mean other forms of savings, equity release or other things.

Breathe!

I'm 46 with a 13 yo Ds with sn's and owe 250k on my mortgage. I don't stress about this. Lots of single parents can't afford a mortgage. I'm lucky.

I think this level of anxiety is unusual, OP.

I also worry that if you are ploughing every spare penny into overpaying your mortgage, you may not have a cash safety net for emergencies. If you lost your job tomorrow, it would be better to have less of the mortgage paid off and more money in cash for you to spend on food and bills.

If you could have, say, a year's net income in easy access savings, that would put you in a vastly better financial position than most people. Then you could just continue to pay your mortgage at a normal rate knowing that if you did lose your job for whatever reason you would have a whole year to find another job before the money ran out.

Is there any reason to think you wouldn't be able to get another job if you lost yours?

I am in my 40s and will be increasing my mortgage soon so we can upsize. Kids are school aged. Isn't this normal?

The average age of a first time buyer is 34. No one is mortgage free by 40 (ok ok, some lucky people will be but often that is because of inheritance). You need to look at things differently, whilst you’re single, a couple next door may have a bigger house and a £400k mortgage so it’s all relative.

Don’t make yourself skint now as you just don’t know what will happen in the future. You might meet someone, you may inherit some money in ten years. These years with your daughter you’ll never get back. The Halifax won’t thank you for overpaying the mortgage and not fucking eating! Just make the required repayments, spend a bit, save a bit and pay off a chunk if you can spare it when it’s time to renew your mortgage, don’t deprive yourself, your 36!

I didn't pay my mortgage off until I was in my early 60s! And the only ones of my friends that did are those who got an inheritance.

Over time, your salary will go up but (barring interest rate rises) your mortgage won't. The proportion of your income that goes on your mortgage will be relatively smaller as your income rises, too, as long as you don't borrow more.

OP, are you one of those people who tends to compare yourself to the people you know who are in the best position financially, while not really thinking about everyone else?

Because a fair few people don’t even have a mortgage by 40, and are still renting at that point. So in some ways you’re in a better position than many people. Take a breath, taking a wider view, enjoy your daughter, and enjoy some nice food.

Didn’t you post about this already a couple of weeks ago?

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/ami_being_unreasonable/5070991-to-feel-panic-to-owe-this-much-on-my-mortgage

I can understand that you’re feeling considerable stress right now, but you’re
really in a very solid position. I think it might be worth speaking to your GP and/or finding a therapist to help you process your feelings around this. It’s completely fine to have a mortgage of that size at your age and plenty of children with single mothers lead fantastic lives. You’re not letting your daughter down at all. The best thing you can do for her is eat and take care of yourself!

OP you are doing fine, just make sure you know what sickness entitlement you have at work if you were long term ill and if you can afford it have a private sickness insurance policy so that if you were incapacitated for sometime, that would kick in and dovetail with work dropping from full pay so that you can cover monthly outgoings such as food, bills and mortgage. Try not to stress, you’re doing an amazing job and remember DCs need their mum more than a paid off mortgage

Having a mum who has eaten and therefore has energy to parent her is the most important thing here. Don’t starve yourself. Very few people, whether a couple or single, have paid off their mortgage by 40.