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Original poster

Should I send this text? Or is it desperate?

463 replies

Sugarandmoresugar10 · 09/05/2024 22:09

I had a first date with someone yesterday after work, it's someone I've already met as a friend of a friend, and we've always got on very well/I felt chemistry.
The date was about 2 hours, a drink and very quick bite to eat. Conversation flowed super well, we had a good laugh. I wasn't sure if I felt attracted to him if I'm honest, but I have felt that attraction previously so I'm willing to give it a try.

So he made comments about wanting to do it again, I agreed, and I sent a casual, good to see you, hope you got back ok. The convo naturally ended .

Wondering if I should hint at meeting him again? There are a ton of films coming out that we were both talking about that are out this month.
Should I text something like 'It'd be cool to see one of those films we talked about soon'

So to imply I want to see him, but it still lets him arrange details?
Or is that chasing/desperate?
I'm pretty paranoid now tbh, but I'm also paranoid that he got a vibe I didn't find him that attractive, even if I do like him.

OP posts:
SerafinasGoose · 10/05/2024 14:43

Sugarandmoresugar10 · 10/05/2024 09:03

Right I've sent it, and it's a no sadly.
Not an outright no, but a busy with no suggestion of an alternative. Ah well :(
Kinda wish I'd never sent it but it's too late.

Best outcome because you won't be wasting anymore time wondering. I find it better to know these things upfront.

Divasaurus · 10/05/2024 14:42

I posted before reading your update - so sorry :( Plenty more fish in the sea though and try to frame this as in you are just not suited for each other. Your perfect man will be begging you to go on dates with him!

Livelovebehappy · 10/05/2024 14:41

Just send it to him. The way you’ve put it, it doesn’t sound desperate at all. Better to do it than not do it, and always wonder ‘what if’, especially if he’s being a bit cautious about coming across as needy too. He could be ‘the one’!

SerafinasGoose · 10/05/2024 14:41

Sugarandmoresugar10 · 09/05/2024 22:14

Thank you. There's just so much on here about men loving the chase, and I'm scared this is making it too easy.

What this is, OP, is a crock of misogynistic crap (yes, there's that word again - prevalent innit?) It infantalizes women; indeed, even a child would be less backwards in coming forwards. Women have control of our intellectual and communicative faculties. We're all perfectly capable of asking for what we want.

Direct communication, without playing silly 'chasing' games or dropping PA hints as to what we want (and then being pissed of when we don't get it), simply isn't my style. If I want a thing, I ask for it (once only) and if the answer's 'no' or silence then I move on.

If someone's going to run in the opposite direction from a woman because she's capable of even this basic level of articulation, then it's a certainty they would not be the person for me. IMO, this would be an effective means of sorting the wheat from the chaff. Might as well cut to that part straightaway and save wasting either of our time.

Divasaurus · 10/05/2024 14:39

It’s a stereotype but for a reason - if he wants to see you again then he will make it happen. You were the last one to text so leave it for a day or two and see if he replies suggesting another date. If he doesn’t, that tells you all you need to know.

viques · 10/05/2024 14:31

viques · 10/05/2024 14:27

I would send a text saying “XXXX film is on at YYY cinema , I am thinking of going on Sunday afternoon, do you fancy coming too”

Edited

Just seen your update. 🙁never mind, plenty of other fish in the sea…..

viques · 10/05/2024 14:27

I would send a text saying “XXXX film is on at YYY cinema , I am thinking of going on Sunday afternoon, do you fancy coming too”

starfishmummy · 10/05/2024 14:22

MistyGreenAndBlue · 09/05/2024 22:15

By gum! I'm 52 and even I think this is old fashioned 😂
Just text him. If he likes you, he'll be thrilled. It's not like you're asking yo set a wedding date.

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I'm even older and I'd do it. And I see OP jas!

Howbizarre22 · 10/05/2024 14:16

MistyGreenAndBlue · 09/05/2024 22:15

By gum! I'm 52 and even I think this is old fashioned 😂
Just text him. If he likes you, he'll be thrilled. It's not like you're asking yo set a wedding date.

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Nah. If he likes her he’d have sent a text. Sadly that’s how men work 99% of the time.

wellthatwasanicesurprise · 10/05/2024 14:15

Hoglet70 · 09/05/2024 22:12

Bollocks. I wouldn't be married now if that were true!

same!

SanctusInDistress · 10/05/2024 14:14

A good man who is into you will not pay any attention to mind games and who asks out who etc.

if a man is put off because you asked him out, then he’s an idiot not worth it.

if a man expects you to play mind games, then he is an idiot not worth it.

this man was simply not that into you. It happens. Now you know so you are not investing energy wondering about it. if he said no because you asked him, then he’s an idiot.

you have been very brave, and it’s his loss!

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 10/05/2024 14:12

Sorry have seen your update re his “no” but my advice would have been that if you’d asked me. I think it’s fine he said no, but now you move on and don’t think about him any more.

It wouldn’t have been different if you’d waited. You’d just have been waiting endlessly. Now at least you know.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 10/05/2024 14:10

The whole “men have to chase and women wait to be chased” is bullshit, and designed so that men have all the choices, and also never have to feel uncomfortable by saying yes or no. They can choose whether to take it further. Bollocks to that.

You should text him if that’s what you want to do - say “do you want to come and see x film on y date”. That’s what I’d do anyway.

BirthdayRainbow · 10/05/2024 14:09

Sugarandmoresugar10 · 10/05/2024 11:37

I think I came across as too nice sadly.
Like he bought me a drink a couple of weeks ago, and I said thanks, I owe you one- which was meant to be a hint.

Then when we went for our date he'd got there early and already bought himself something and I said 'ahh I would've got you one'

Now looking back I'm like, why was I being so nice?+

That's not being so nice

BirthdayRainbow · 10/05/2024 14:05

Sugarandmoresugar10 · 10/05/2024 09:05

But hopefully, it's not a no because I asked him. It's a no because he was never interested.. hopefully..

If it's a no because you asked him then that's good. No time wasted on a sexist old fashioned idiot.

therealcookiemonster · 10/05/2024 13:43

Sugarandmoresugar10 · 09/05/2024 22:42

Btw, if he says no, for me that means no. I won't be asking again.
But apparently if a woman says no, that's attractive to men and will make them work harder? :/

have you missed out on the last two decades somehow? were you in a coma?

no always means no
if someone pursues you after you say no, they are creepy stalkers

therealcookiemonster · 10/05/2024 13:40

Sugarandmoresugar10 · 09/05/2024 22:11

You're right. I mean he seemed like he wanted to meet again, but apparently women should never ask men out in the early stages or even text first, from what I've read :(

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I'm sorry... WTF?

are we supposed to quietly wait in our boudoir, staring winsomely out of the window as we wait for gallant gentlemen suitors to pay court?

you need to address your internalised misogyny

Trulyme · 10/05/2024 13:32

Totorooooo · 10/05/2024 11:07

This thread is so weird.
Like women are remembering the daft articles they read in teen magazines when they were at school and interacting with men according to made up rules.
Well done OP, now you have time to find someone you definitely fancy, who definitely fancies you back.

I completely agree!

Some of these replies are quite cringey and definitely sound like advice teenagers would give other teenagers.

I’m hoping these replies are from teens who are on study leave at the moment and not from grown women who think it’s normal or even attractive to play childish games about who texts who first.

tennesseewhiskey1 · 10/05/2024 12:59

Good luck!!

pikkumyy77 · 10/05/2024 12:57

Abeona · 10/05/2024 12:41

No — it's mind games and you don't build a healthy relationships on playing mind games. 'If I text him now will he think I'm desperate?' 'She's not the woman for me if she takes the initiative.' Do this and you'll get a man... Don't do this or you'll put him off...

Just be yourself, with your enthusiasm on show if you feel it, and keep applying until you find a partner who will respond positively to who you are and be a good match. There is absolutely no point in trying to forge a relationship with someone you hope to spend years with if you have to change your behaviour or follow a set of rules from a book.

I wonder if this is why so many women on MN seem to live with/ marry men who treat them really badly and whom the women don't understand and can't communicate clearly with? Did they start by playing the game in order to land a man, only to find out he has no respect, let alone love, for them?

Well I think it’s often the other way around. They don’t understand what their boyfriends are doing and mistake their game playing for sincerity or mistake the early chasing phase for real love.

bignosebignose · 10/05/2024 12:57

Remember what you said in your opening post:

I wasn't sure if I felt attracted to him if I'm honest, but I have felt that attraction previously so I'm willing to give it a try.

I don't think you've missed out on the love of your life here.

pensione · 10/05/2024 12:54

PercyJackson · 10/05/2024 12:51

https://www.mumsnet.com/i/advertising works for me - but if not, you can just google 'mumsnet advertising' and it should be the first link.

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Thanks, this link works but your first one doesn't, just tried again.

PercyJackson · 10/05/2024 12:51

pensione · 10/05/2024 12:45

That link doesn't work.

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https://www.mumsnet.com/i/advertising works for me - but if not, you can just google 'mumsnet advertising' and it should be the first link.

Should I send this text? Or is it desperate?
pensione · 10/05/2024 12:45

PercyJackson · 10/05/2024 11:55

Curious as to where you get these 'facts' from. According to mumsnet themselves (information for advertisers), 78% of users are between 26-45 (source: www.mumsnet.com/i/advertising). Given AIBU is the generally the most active topic, I'd be surprised if it was then so heavily occupied by the 22% who fall outside of that age range....

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That link doesn't work.

curliegirlie · 10/05/2024 12:44

Yup the ball is in his court now. Granted the response sounded a little lukewarm, but maybe he just needs to work out his diary and will contact OP with something more concrete. And if not, OP at least knows she's tried and doesn't have to worry about whether she came across as uninterested on the date. Nothing ventured, nothing gained 😊.