My son called me a cunt

@Meadowfinch I’m sorry for your upbringing, no child should have to live like that.

@Rachel7878 get him access to a therapist so he can unpack the trauma.

Meantime, sit him down and warn him you will NOT be abused in your own home ever again. He finds a way of communicating with you or he loses the privileges you provide to him - internet, sky/virgin telly and phone and he has to earn those back.

He's 14 not 40 and he doesn't get to rule the roost. Establish boundaries and put aside any guilt you may feel over what he has seen/lived through up until now or you'll create a monster who will ride roughshot all over you until you end up kicking him out for your own sanity.

All your "oh id have had a beating if I'd have done it, I've never done it" does pretty much sound like you're endorsing abusive parenting. Apologies if I misread the physical violence part. However just disengaging from him still isn't dealing with the fact this kid has grown up in a home that doesn't feel safe, where there isn't mutual respect, where he hasn't been parented appropriately. Suddenly not making him dinner or washing his socks isn't going to undo years of trauma, if anything it's likely to compound it. I don't have a safe home and when I act out I'm abandoned.

Wow he's hurting and obviously very angry, he needs to talk to someone. I feel for you, it must have been horrible to hear, let's hope he gets the help and support he needs.

He is like this because he gets it off his father who verbally abuses you and they both gang up on you as you said . Wash your hands of them both . They are disgusting . You are enabling it by doing nothing . Leave them .

What has he seen?

Obviously calling you a cunt is awful and not ok, but way more context is needed.

@wherewegoing No, but I grew up in an abusive household, lived in fear for 16 years, and was estranged from my f by the time I left home. I never went back.

I would not want my child growing up in such nastiness or aggression.

Ds is happy, well balanced, generally polite. We enjoy each other's company and get on well. Like all teens he pushes boundaries which includes occasional swearing, mostly, as I have found recently, the night before an exam, when he is stressed and a bit nervous.

Once the exam is over, he's back to normal. I see no reason to make a fuss about it. Most people swear occasionally in moments of high stress. Reassurance works best for him.

When did I say beating them is the answer? Pretty sure I actually suggested stopping waiting on them instead?

My son was doing his own laundry and could prepare his own basic meals at 14, even with having ASD. So he would have lived! I trained him on how to do these life skills (from the age of 8?) and he was an enthusiastic learner. Now that he’s 18, his cooking skills have surpassed my own.

I am amazed you think this is an abusive response to being called a cunt. When did young men get so infantilised?

Rachel How you react to this sets the scene for the next few years. Let it go and you will suffer more and more abuse. You need to make sure he understands that his behaviour will not be tolerated. No lifts, no money and no treats for the next few months even if he does apologise. He can't be allowed to think saying sorry excuses vile behaviour. Stay firm as that is what he needs.

Well done Mum. This kind of behaviour must not be tolerated. It is refreshing to read that some parents actually parent.

It’s not bloody withholding food. A 14 year old should be able to make his own snacks and drinks. Ffs

@Meadowfinch genuine question, were you allowed to swear at your parents when you grew up?

Your advice is to stop cooking and laundry for a 14 year old. That's not a consequence that's abuse. If the child has made a mistake then it's up to the adult in charge to put in the relevant consequence and learning needs to happen from the mistake. They swore, ok granted its a very bad word but that's why the adult steps in to teach a better way and that's not to withhold food!! What is wrong with you.
Op if you are aware the child has been thru alot, then like another poster said keep lines of communication open, put age related consequences in place but more importantly explain why that word is wrong, explain how hurtful and offensive it is to say to anyone. And talk about what made him say it. I know it sounds easy to say and it wont be but keep at it, keep talking , make it normal to discuss your feelings and just be assured at that age alot of kids can swear even if they haven't been thru alot or seen alot. Apparently I would to go around saying the f word to my sisters , no one even knows where I picked the word up from (yeah right lol) but the point I'm making is I promise its not the end of the world and you can sort this out. i know the c word is very bad but I doubt kids really get. Sending you both all the best.

I don’t understand how you’ve arrived at a point where your son routinely swears at you and treats you with ‘contempt’. Do you also swear at him and treat him with contempt? Do other members of the family treat each other so disrespectfully?

I’ve got an 18 year-old and a 16 year-old. Neither has ever sworn at me (or at each other), disrespected me or spoken to me rudely. We are quite a sweary family but it’s never directed at each other. Believe it or not there are teens around who don’t treat their parents like shit, and who speak to others respectfully.

Yeah, it’s only people in their 70s that don’t like being called a cunt by their child 🤔

My ds called his dsis this (not in my presence) and after I had told him that there was an immediate consequence of no devices for a couple of days, when he had calmed down...may have been the day after... I was sitting down with him and said how disappointed I was that he speaks to his dsis that way and in doing that he is teaching her that it is to be expected that men will speak to her in that way and how would he like it if I had a boyfriend and he heard this boyfriend calling me names or speaking to me in that way, would he think that was ok? I will have to wait and see if this sinks into his brain.

So he’s learnt from his dad that it’s acceptable to call you names.

Its confusing who lives with who.
Are you staying at your ex’s place?

You say your son has seen a lot and that sounds like he’s traumatised.

Please update the thread and explain the situation more so we can try and help you.

Soap and water works wonders.

Exactly. Or stop making snacks as a silent protest. It’s like all the women who starts by saying ’He is kind, funny and an AMAZING dad, but sometimes…’ ’I’ll stop making his dinner and doing his washing, that should teach him.’

You sound like the answer is physical violence or at least the credible threat of it, when it's highly likely that precisely why this child is emotionally damaged. Perpetuating more negative, aggressive behaviour is counterintuitive surely

Well this is it - nothing magic happens the moment they turn 18 they just go from ‘misunderstood, emotional boys’ to ‘abusive men’. They need forewarning about what to expect if they try this behaviour as grown men and this doesn’t mean a coffee and a cosy chat.

It must be fine also for their dh’s to call them names, as long as they get an apology.. or when are boys meant to stop behaving like this, does it happen automatically when they turn into men?

Depressing when parents opt out of parenting.

Yep. Everyone on here calling for zero tolerance of abusive men yet practically enabling their sons to become just that. Depressing

So OP - both your partner and your teenage son have called you a cunt.

Not good.

I'm not a prude and we use the word sometimes in our house, but only when describing things (and occasionally, the government) but we do not insult one another by swearing. Definitely not.