Am I being unreasonable?

You sound a very caring person and unfortunately, when this is the case people can end up taking advantage of you. It creeps up on you gradually. You find you are doing A and B so when someone asks for C you think ..ok ...one more thing won't make much difference. Then C becomes the norm, taken for granted so someone tries to add D. There is no need to end up at the shops so much. Your mother likes this because it gets her out of the house and for company. People saying you don't work and your child is in school are missing the point. I get this. You have put others first to the point where they don't expect you to be doing anything else. Therefore it's ok to ask something else.This is going to be hard for you op but you need to start putting your own needs first. So. ..child at school at 9. Begin booking gym for straight afterwards maybe 3 times a week. Make it set in stone. If you are too tired for this at present . Invent things at first ...Even sit in a cafe or the library. Tell them you are meeting a friend. You will get some pushback but if you stick to your guns they will accept when you are available...they will have to because they have no one else to rely on. Try to get a part time job or maybe a hobby/. College course. anything which makes you less available. They don't value your time because they don't see you doing that. (because you are so kind) It's hard to but I have found that people value you more when you are not always available. Put them first 7days a week ...no appreciation ...they think . .what else have you to do. Put them first 3 days a week they will value the time you give them more. 💐

Your nan is happy for you to do all this? Indefinitely?

Fuck sake.

@roxixxx
Then give up caring for your mother which you clearly do not enjoy and get a job or retrain before your partner points out it is your turn to be the breadwinner. You don't have to care for your mum and your nan. No one can make you. You are choosing to do it and you are relying on your partner to pay all the bills while you do something that you don't want to do.

I understand you OP. What your mother really wants is like an old fashioned Ladies Companion ! So someone to take and accompany her at her and only hers agenda. Far far harder sometimes then tending to their purely physical needs. Very selfish especially considering your child is actually her own granddaughter. And I get that saying to join a club is not the solution as she doesn't want to mix with others , just your undivided attention. Guess what mother ? We can't always get what we what ! I had to tell mine that I understand how frustrating it is for you but I am only one person and I can't provide it all. Came to an agreement that she had to let carers take over the caring part and that I could only spare two days a week and only for a certain time , say 10 - 12 or whatever suits YOU. It is not easy , she will push back but stick to it and say I am not able to do more . I then arranged on my OFF day that she attended a Day Centre. Didn't hold out much hope but she ended up meeting someone she already knew there and went when she could.

I still think it is a Mumsnet thing that daughters have to look after their mums and nans, whilst their male partners have to work to pay all the bills. I can't help but wonder if @roxixxx will work full time when her partner's mother needs care in order to pay the bills so that he can care for his mum. He is 15 years older than the OP so that will happen sooner rather than later. Something tells me the OP will magically grow a backbone and refuse to become the breadwinner. Some men are very obliging about paying all the bills. You would never catch an MN woman working to pay the bills so her husband could give up work to care for his parents. The OP can only be the carer whilst her husband subsidises her.

Are both your nan and mother (age?) in receipt of Attendance Allowance? This would give you some cash to buy help in. Are you getting Carer's Allowance/ Credit? If not apply immediately, if you are not working, you will get your NI credits so that your State Pension will not suffer.

You are eligible for a Carer's Assessment from your local council or Carer's group. They will be able to help get you some respite. I'm live in for my aged parent. It is important to carve out your own time. Well done on joining the gym, I did the same thing last year and it had made a big difference having time and space to myself.

Your mum advised you to give up your job? Clearly so that you can see to her.

You need to push back.

Three households plus caring is going to burn you out.

Your nan can pay for home help if she wants it.
You really shouldn't be bathing her on your own. It's physically demanding.

I can't help wondering whether the uncle said to the carer that they weren't really needed because you do most of it. And if he was there anyway, how come he didn't take her to the hospital appointment?

I'd be brutal with your Mum. You are entitled to a life, things are only going to get worse. Can your Uncle not help with your Nan? You won't get time back and this is a waste of your life.

I did wonder what else is going on besides “arthritis” because that often isn’t enough by itself to be classed as disabled unless it is a really bad case of rheumatoid arthritis with neuropathic pain and psoriasis.

Actually, Arthritis can be classed as disabled, it's not the diagnosis it's how your condition affects you.

I understand, caring for someone can be very time consuming, especially if you have two people who need help. I agree with whoever suggested the mobility scooter, it will give your mum more freedom, if she is in receipt of PIP and on the highest level for mobility she can get a scooter on the motability scheme, maybe something she can look into. I suffer from chronic Osteoarthritis and you can get some very good aids to help you. Maybe your mum should ask the council if they could send round the Occupational Health assessor, there is help out there, your mum needs to ask. I think going forward maybe treat your caring role as a job, and set yourself a weekend, it doesn't have to be Saturday and Sunday, it could be any days, then you'll have some time for yourself, good luck.

To be fair to your mum, you can't "get people friends", it really doesn't work like that no matter what your age. The assumption is that lonely old widows should be joyous at meeting other lonely old widows or going to Wednesday lunch clubs with other "old people" as if they're a homogenous group. It's like saying that all teenagers, regardless of their hobbies or taste in music, should happily skip off with any other teenager.

Come and join us on this thread, OP

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/elderly_parents/5036546-so-bloody-exhausted-waiting-for-someone-to-die-3

Well, just refuse!

I totally get where you are coming from. What happens if you are ill or go on holiday? Or are those things not allowed?

I have been a carer to a family member and found the more I did the more was expected with very little insight into my needs.
When I started to have problems of my own there was no understanding given and attempts were made to make me feel guilty.
Eventually their son and daughter in law stepped up a bit as by this time I was becoming too disabled to look after myself let alone another person.
You will have to decide your own boundaries and make them very clear and don’t be swayed by guilting attempts. It is hard but look at it this way, if you weren’t around other avenues would have to be explored by your mum.
As regards your nan then start battling now for carers to be provided as you can’t do everything forever.

Oh sweetheart I totally hear you. I understand completely. I’m a carer for my mother and have 2 young children both with SEN. It’s difficult.
Mom wants me to pick her up about 3 times a week to go shopping just so she can get out of the house. She’s immobile atm and really struggling. I just feel like I’m on beck and call 24/7
We went on holiday back end of last year and honestly, it was like I’d got 3 kids. I had to do absolutely everything. I needed a break when we got back! Sympathy from me ❤️

You are not obliged to do this just because she is your mother and she demands that you do it.

In the nicest and kindest possible way, you need to grow a backbone and say no.

Don't set yourself on fire to keep others warm.

As for some posters saying it doesn't sound like you do all that much, they clearly have no idea of the sheer 24/7 mental load that being a carer entails (and you have two of them).

Are they receiving attendance allowance? Are you receiving carers allowance? Would you rather work part time again and do less care? It sounds like you've fallen into this role and it's not actually what you want to be doing with your life.

How does your partner feel about funding you to care for your mother and nan? can you imagine any woman on here funding her husband to care for his mum and nan?

Yes, so really what she gets from you is not just the labour of caring but also all human contact. I have similar with my DM. It's very hard to extricate yourself from as it's not really about the work and access, it's about not feeling lonely. I am very sympathetic to you position OP but I also think it must be very hard for older women on their own - I get that they expect their children to being their lifeline. I wish my mother had more kids to be honest, so we could share the emotional labour responsibility.