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Original poster

No dinner after 120 mile journey

60 replies

spanieleyes22 · 16/04/2024 16:35

So I travelled to see my sister who is ill and when I got there her dh said to me that he had made spag bol for himself and the 2 kids but that I could have a look in the kitchen and cook something for myself and my sister (who didn't want a dinner as she didn't feel like it)

In the end my sis said to him could I not have the spag bol as well and he said perhaps but that he needed to eat with the kids 8 and 14. So he cooked pasta for them and the 3 of them sat up to the table and had their meal. Then he called me and showed me the uncooked spaghetti and the leftover bol and said I could cook mine.

What do you all
Think

OP posts:
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Neverthetwainshall · 17/04/2024 18:37

spanieleyes22 · 17/04/2024 11:24

My sister is so used to him I do t think she even registers how rude he is. I was there for 2 nights and not once did he ask me anything about myself or my kids . Anyway I need to get him out of my brain. My sister text me today that he is so kind and she loves him. I feel like he gives her a few crumbs and she's so grateful he has come out of the bad mood

Yeah he's not rude he's abusive, your sister grovelling for crumbs of affection is a red flag, as I've said before ignore the twat but keep supporting your sister she needs you.

Original poster
spanieleyes22 · 17/04/2024 11:24

My sister is so used to him I do t think she even registers how rude he is. I was there for 2 nights and not once did he ask me anything about myself or my kids . Anyway I need to get him out of my brain. My sister text me today that he is so kind and she loves him. I feel like he gives her a few crumbs and she's so grateful he has come out of the bad mood

OP posts:
Gagaandgag · 17/04/2024 00:56

I don’t think you should stop going. I think that’s what he wants. I think go for your sister and keep polite but don’t say much to him. Stay away from him the best you can. But go and be there for her!

Original poster
spanieleyes22 · 16/04/2024 22:54

Floatinginatincan · 16/04/2024 20:21

Well, yep, it was shitty of him, but I wouldn't just sit there. I would have ordered myself a takeaway.

It's pretty rural where they live I'm not sure they can get deliveries

OP posts:
JoniBlue · 16/04/2024 22:21

How rude of him! Greedy pig could have let you have what he cooked for himself, or started another pot of water and toss in some pasta.

Noseybookworm · 16/04/2024 22:17

It sounds like he doesn't want you there. Is he controlling of your sister? Is he trying to isolate her from her family?

Floatinginatincan · 16/04/2024 20:21

Well, yep, it was shitty of him, but I wouldn't just sit there. I would have ordered myself a takeaway.

GoodAfternoonGoodEveningAndGoodnight · 16/04/2024 20:06

Yeah that's crap, if he's doing dinner for the others and knows you're there too you'd have thought he'd have done enough for all of you.
YANBU

jeaux90 · 16/04/2024 20:04

He sounds like a controlling, abusive arsehole.

MirageAC · 16/04/2024 19:59

Hi OP, I come from a culture where you feed your guests. It is rude not to. He probably doesn’t want you there.

HideousKinky · 16/04/2024 19:52

I think NeedToChangeName is right - he did this in petty retaliation for Sunday.
He is also communicating that he doesn't want you there, so if his behaviour makes you stay away he is getting what he wants and cutting you off from your sister who clearly needs you

ChildrenOfTheQuorn · 16/04/2024 19:37

I think it's rude af. If I couldn't add more pasta in at the time, when I drained mine/my children's I'd stick it in then. And it'd be ready by the time I finished mine. I would not expect a guest to serve themselves. What's wrong with him!?

Original poster
spanieleyes22 · 16/04/2024 19:33

Cherryon · 16/04/2024 19:12

It’s odd, but I do know families where people eat separately because the kids eat too early for them. Deciding you would have some spag bol could have been understood that you would eat with him and the kids or that you would have some later after visting with your sister. It sounds more like miscommunication than deliberate rudeness.

Maybe in some families but at home in my mothers we would always eat together unless it was a school night or something . But if someone came over we would never eat separately and let them eat alone. Same for my sister they always eat together unless it's school or trainings or whatever

OP posts:
Original poster
spanieleyes22 · 16/04/2024 19:31

LittleBoPeepHasLostHerShit · 16/04/2024 19:18

This reminds me of when a friend of mine was in an abusive relationship. Her partner always created a really bad atmosphere, but in ways that were subtle enough to give him plausible deniability. Like they would invite us for dinner and when we arrived he wouldn't talk to us and go sit somewhere else to eat because he was "tired". Or we would go for a day out at a museum or similar and he would just walk off and disappear for hours, or talk on the phone.

Omg this has happened a lot!!!!! I remember him taking his dinner outside to eat alone I remember him disappearing on days out with his phone

OP posts:
LittleBoPeepHasLostHerShit · 16/04/2024 19:18

This reminds me of when a friend of mine was in an abusive relationship. Her partner always created a really bad atmosphere, but in ways that were subtle enough to give him plausible deniability. Like they would invite us for dinner and when we arrived he wouldn't talk to us and go sit somewhere else to eat because he was "tired". Or we would go for a day out at a museum or similar and he would just walk off and disappear for hours, or talk on the phone.

Cherryon · 16/04/2024 19:12

It’s odd, but I do know families where people eat separately because the kids eat too early for them. Deciding you would have some spag bol could have been understood that you would eat with him and the kids or that you would have some later after visting with your sister. It sounds more like miscommunication than deliberate rudeness.

Nicole1111 · 16/04/2024 19:07

Check in with your sister away from him and investigate if she is ok and cared for in her relationship. I’m hoping he just wasn’t thinking but if not he sounds like he might be challenging to live with.

Lavenderandbrown · 16/04/2024 17:59

I think it’s intentional op. If your sister cannot or will not travel to you (with DC) then I would continue to visit her and dc and ignore BIL. Greyrock may be appropriate here. Sister is more important than food. Recognize him for the person he is …rude demanding unempathetic selfish ? and focus on your ill sister. No shit head BIL is keeping me away from my DS. Pack food or order food or find some work around and stay away from him as much as possible. Possibly he doesn’t really like your sister either and of course there’s nothing more inconvenient than an ill spouse who you barely like when they are well. He may be projecting his irritation onto you. Be there for your sister

babyhiding · 16/04/2024 17:47

What a weirdo. I would have ordered take out for you and your sis.

SheepAndSword · 16/04/2024 17:45

TheShellBeach · 16/04/2024 17:44

I don't buy pasta at all because we don't like it.

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I have an unholy love for spaghetti

TheShellBeach · 16/04/2024 17:44

MasterBeth · 16/04/2024 17:41

7 minutes is only for shit pasta.

Buy better pasta.

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I don't buy pasta at all because we don't like it.

SheepAndSword · 16/04/2024 17:43

KreedKafer · 16/04/2024 17:38

Pretty weird to focus on you not getting given dinner when the real issue is that he treats your sister like shit

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I dunno, sometimes we skirt around the main issue. You see it all the time on MN.

OP was tired, hungry and upset.

I think if you'd rather have sister and children over to stay @spanieleyes22 ask her if she'd like a change of scenery.

Loubelle70 · 16/04/2024 17:42

spanieleyes22 · 16/04/2024 17:33

Yeh same. But it wasn't even a timing thing. He did it deliberately and told me what the plan was before he even boiled the water. He said he was eating with the kids but I could cook my own when they were done

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If he's abusive though towards your sister it could be a ploy to stop you going, alienating her from family you know. Is she well enough to travel if shes ill? Theres only 3 options...stop going and have sis and kids stay at yours. Go over and stay but just do your own tea, sisters etc..not his. Go over there and stay in hotel.

MasterBeth · 16/04/2024 17:41

TheShellBeach · 16/04/2024 16:43

Then you've answered your own question.
He showed you the dry pasta and the bolognese sauce and left you to make your own.

IIRC your sister didn't want any. It takes 7 minutes to cook pasta. Not much effort required on your part.

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7 minutes is only for shit pasta.

Buy better pasta.

KreedKafer · 16/04/2024 17:38

spanieleyes22 · 16/04/2024 16:39

Yeh nobody was replying so I thought I'd just ask about the dinner incident

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Pretty weird to focus on you not getting given dinner when the real issue is that he treats your sister like shit

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