One night stands/casual sex

I have had 2 one night stands.

The first was exactly as you describe, it made me feel awful, I was drunk .. he was rubbish.. there was no 'mental connection' and the physical act was basic he was a 'pump it till I'm done' man! It was awful, but .. it gave me a better idea of what was ok for me .

The second was about a year later and was amazing, that man knew what he was doing, he was invested in my pleasure. I would have made it a long term thing (until he mentioned his wife?!)

I think to say a one night stand means low self esteem is a bit simplistic, it can be just about 'getting your end away'.

I felt quite sad for the OP.. experience has been one of the joys in life. I regret not having more of it .. even though the man I have settled for is great. I miss those days (and a sex toy does not come close to the flirt, hot touch, first kiss, butterflies.)

I think other people’s sex lives is their own business.

I think one night stands is making yourself cheap and showing n g to the v world you have low self esteem

Its not common for 2 people in their 30s to have never had sex with anyone else, but I don't think it's hugely uncommon either. I know a few couples who've been together since school.

But to try and answer your question of why someone would want a one night stand. (And bear in mind I've been with DP for 18 years so am drawing on distant memories here)

Sex is fun in a way that masturbation isn't. Think of a game of ping pong. Yeah you can chuck one end of the table on its side and play against yourself. It's good practise, a bit of exercise, but it doesn't compare to playing with another person.

And sex with someone new is exciting. Exploring someone new, finding out what they enjoy, the unique feel of their skin, their smell, the way they move. Sex with someone for the first time often isn't great, but it's bloody exciting.

Would I give up my DP for a load of one night stands? Hell no, because we know what each other like, and because there's something deeper there. I look into her eyes and there's a connection you can't get from a one night stand.

But that doesn't mean I don't sometimes miss the new, the exciting, the different.

Reading between the lines....

You're probably JW/Mormon or ND.

So with respect are unlikely to understand the relationships of those who aren't. Yes I know I'm being very blunt, however you have invited speculation by starting the thread and giving such leading details.

How very true @EBearhug .

One of the things I'm thankful to have learned is that it's more than possible to have fantastic sex with somebody you don't know, don't fancy and don't even particularly like.

You don’t have to understand it. It’s not really any of your business.

Having seen your other thread about the lack of non-sexual affection you get from your husband, I think that starting this thread is your way of trying very hard to convince yourself that there’s nothing wrong with your relationship when in reality you’re actually quite insecure about it and feeling a bit unloved.

I slept with a few people before I met my DP. I didn’t ‘feel sick’ about being with someone who wasn’t my DP because I’d never even met my DP at that point. I don’t regret any of it. It was enjoyable at the time. I’ve now been with DP for 21 years, I don’t need anyone else, and there isn’t a single thing about our relationship I would change. And he hugs me, kisses me and tells me he loves me every single day, not just when he wants sex. I’d take my relationship any day of the week over one that involves crowing about sexual purity while starved of affection.

If you have a good sex life, even a long term monogamous one, you fancy other people. It's part of being sexual. Of course you don't have to act on it and you can stay with the same partner for life. But if you never have any sexual interest in anyone outside your partner then your sex life is not at full potential. But of course sex isn't the be all and end all of life and it's importance varies between people and life stages. Having numerous partners comes with potential issues as does never having any or the same one for years. It's what makes you happy that's important and having one partner or different one every night is just a choice.
Don't need to judge anyone on the choice they make. It has no effect on you what so ever. Live and let live and all that.

Oh dear that previous post throws a very different light on things doesn't it?

Doesn’t sound like your relationship is actually anything to be smug about, OP.

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/sex/5044711-husband-only-shows-affection-when-horny

Do you mean to sound so smug and superior op?
Dear me.
Plenty of people have lots of sexual experiences that are fun. It's hardly headline news.

The number of sexual partners you’ve had has absolutely zero bearing on the worth of someone’s relationship, or on someone’s worth as a person. Plenty of sexually inexperienced people have awful relationships, and plenty of people who have slept with other people have fantastic ones. You happened to meet the right person before you’d had sex with anyone else. Other people might not meet the right person until after they’ve had sex with lots of others. So what? You do what works for you, but it’s really peculiar to be smug about it and to question why other people live their lives differently.

I can honestly say that I’ve never met anyone, ever, who wishes they’d never slept with anyone else before their husband and regrets that he wasn’t their first. It’s just not something that occupies any space in most people’s heads.

You do you Hun 😊

You’re probably right. Some people have to find a way to look down on others, shame

Or use a sex toy with a person...

No sex toy (and I've been single a lot and tried lots of different toys over the years,) beats the flirting and anticipation, kissing, skin on skin, the scent of sex, looking into each other's eyes, the joy of turning someone else on, finding out how they react to touch.

It can also be fun to have sex with more than one person at once.
There's no way I'd want an actual relationship with some of the people I've bedded. They might be fun in bed, but waking up with them every day, doing the laundry and shopping and so on? No thanks.

Your relationship is not the only way to be happy. You could easily say "why use a sex toy, you could have just as much fun with a person"

On a serious note if you’ve only been with each other, you don’t have anything to measure it against. That’s not necessarily a bad thing, if you’re happy with your sex life, but you have no idea what you’re missing out on. It’s like settling for lumpfish roe, when there is actual caviar out there*

*caviar isn’t for everyone, and there is nothing wrong with lumpfish roe.

My husband of 3 years never comes up and hugs me out of the blue, he never kisses me or touches me unless he wants sex. Why do you think this could be? Tia

I’ve just had a look and I’ve seen you didn’t get to much traffic on this post and I really wish you received more support. Do you think perhaps you’re focusing on the aspect of your relationship that sets you apart, to conceal the parts that are quite painful? It’s sounds really horrible to only have physical contact when sex is involved.

Even though you did come across a little smug, my hunch is you’re struggling in your relationship and you may be quite lonely, which makes me sad. Hope you’re okay my luv x

I’m glad to see you getting absolutely roasted OP…….guess there’s a first time for everything hey 😉😁

My first h had only slept with me, I'd been with a few blokes. He said it didn't bother him, I secretly knew it did

We got together young and married young, split up late 20s as it had just ran its course.
ExH then absolutely rode rings round himself shagging his way round our town for about 5 years 🤣🤣 so I was correct

He has settled down now and remarried . But he sure Made up for lost time !! Pretty sure most blokes (and women) would prefer the variety of shagging different people before settling down (or not settling down)

So less of the smugness op

100% this, and I have Tracey’s dog…

While you feel you are smug I’m afraid I pity you. It saddens me to imagine only ever feeling that intimacy and connection with only one person your whole entire life. There’s a been a few deeply exciting and special connections with people I cared about & found extremely attractive in my life and I have amazing memories. Just the wild passion & possibilities of getting to know & discovering someone new you have an incredible mutual attraction with… the fact you believe there’s no difference to using a sex toy by yourself to having an exciting sex life really does show how blinkered & totally inexperienced in your love life you are! You’ve missed out big time I wouldn’t be so smug!

Uh oh.

I guess ops trying to make her light shine brighter by trying to put out others flames.

I've had many, many, many casual flings op, want some tips to spice things up?

Oh shit… 👀🍿