Jealous of friends wedding

I chose the registry office route. Occasionally I get jealous of friends, especially the princess gowns. But I would rather eat snails than organise an enormous party like that and I remember I have done what was best for me and my family.

Yes you are being U

Do you want to get married or not

Your friend didn't spend all the money on a party and a big dress her and her husband spent the money on a legal binding document which offers each of them a sense of protection should the other die/leave

If you are jealous because you want to be centre of attention host big party for your next major birthday- 30/40?

Do you know why you don't want to get married? Of course it's fine not to - I just wondered if you're clear about the reason.

I think the more important question is what would happen if you split up? Where would you live? Who would have the kids? What would happen if God forbid, one of you died? Or both? Who would the children live with? Have you legally tied these matters up? Or written a will?

Marriage is legal contract and a public affirmation of commitment as much as it is a piss up and a dress.

The big difference marriage makes is your legal rights in case you split up, such as sharing assets. If you are the higher earner and you're not dependent on your partner supporting you, you're in a better position. If you're a SAHM, you need to protect yourself, especially if you own your house.

You didn't want to get married... sounds like now you do? Talk to him

“With regards to why I don't want to get married, I just don't see the value in it and I don't believe being married makes a relationship breakdown or negotiations any easier.”

Read the many threads where unmarried women are left high and dry when a man decides to end things after decades and the family house (now valuable) was only ever owned in his name.

It sounds like you do want to get married or at least have a wedding day. You can change your mind about things as time goes on..

I think you are just becoming conscious that you won’t have the wedding day ‘experience’ and that triggers a fear of missing out, even though you know marriage itself is not for you. Personally I think you’ll be over it before long and don’t forget weddings are also bloody stressful! Let yourself grieve for missing out on a big day but then remind yourself of what is important to you and how you can still enjoy good times with those you love.

To be honest i never wanted to get married; we had been together years and stumbled on a place we loved a couple years ago and decided to get wed. I didn't put much stock into the little nuances; i didn't understand the fuss; then on the day it clicked - everything is centred around making sure your (and hubster) day goes off without a hitch and is amazing. Its not like you can achieve that by having a party for your big birthday - because the occasion is totally different; you don't have vendors going above and beyond etc.

So i guess my response to this Am I just jealous of the attention? Do I just want the pretty dress and expensive pss up? is*

yes you probably do but its more than that - you want the "day" where everything is about making that day amazing, and happy, surrounded by friends and family, the love and emotion, celebrating with people you may not see all the time...

Am I being totally unreasonable? No

Are you going to get that by having a 30/40/50th? No, its not the same. The whole shebang is just different, People wont travel and stay overnight in a hotel for your party, you wont design a dress, go to fittings, have your girls come to dress try on's with champers and giggles... you wont write vows that challenge you to think about what your person means to you, You wont visit multiple venues that offer different experiences and sit down and choose the one you want... I'm not saying everyone does all of the wedding stuff but its just a different day than a party.

Guess you have to make the choice - is it what you want? If it is - make it happen, it doesn't have to be massive (it can be whatever you make it - depends what is important to you)

You don't see the value in a legal marriage?

Do you own or rent? Have you never read of unmarried women with children who have no legal right to a share of the home they live in?
No home, no money, no pension pot?

The point is that nobody thinks they’ll have an acrimonious split until it’s too late. If you’re legally married then at least there are frameworks that have to be followed to attempt to make things fair on both parties.

Do you own your home together? Joint tenants or tenants in common? Is your pension as good as his? Have you reduced your hours to spend more time on childcare? You have wills, which is great - have you also made each other beneficiaries of any life insurance etc?

So you're jealous of your friends getting married but you aren't getting married because you don't want to? Err... 😅

I mean, what do you expect from this thread?

The obvious answer is that you can get married if you want to. If you don't want to then that's your decision.

My old school friend and her husband decided to get married when they realised it would be more straightforward to fill in their tax returns (in Germany). Small wedding, small party, financial affairs more easily dealt with.

Not being interested in getting married is different from not being interested in actually being married. I never grew up thinking about weddings, but I did always aspire to a solid marriage.

And yes, the majority of legal stuff only comes into play on death or divorce, but not everything, for example you can transfer assets freely between you which meant when my husband's company got bought out he could transfer shares to me which meant double the tax-free CTG allowance each year.

We have verbally agreed on arrangements should we ever split up

Your verbal agreements aren't worth jack shit if you split. People get bitter and twisted especially when a 3rd party is on the scene.
A marriage certificate will provide protection to you both in event of divorce. That's what it is really about the legal protection around your family unit.

The big question is do you want a big wedding or a small wedding?

Personally I wouldn't do a big wedding again. Loads of fuss, loads of hassle, loads of 'you should do xyz' loads of money 💰

You remember the stress of organising your 30th? Times it by 5! I was so stressed out about my wedding I disassociated on the day and didn't enjoy any of it. I love weddings, hated mine!

Have a think if you really want a wedding now, we were corralled into it by pushy families, I'd have much rather had a small ceremony with a dinner in a restaurant afterwards, you've maybe just got rose-tinted specs on because you've been going to so many!

I do love being married though, I just feel the day has become so over-hyped

Most people give lip service to their wedding best "the best day of their life" but it's rarely true. I'd much rather be a guest at someone else's wedding than organise and pay for one myself.

I think you're being naive about your "verbal agreements" though. My partner is the most principled, moral person I know but am I 100% sure that he wouldn't try to screw me over in the event of a horrible, messy break up? Hell no.

If you want a special day and a princess dress without the huge party to plan, have them. Get a great dress, take your DC and a couple of cars of your nearest and dearest and go to Gretna Green or a little B & B that does small but lovely weddings and go for it. You can get an all inclusive package and not plan a thing.

What would be the harm in getting married, if you already have children together and are planning on staying together for life? Absolutely nothing, and it would be a lovely memory.

@WhoLetTheHogsOut

[[https://www.citizensadvice.org.uk/family/living-together-marriage-and-civil-partnership/living-together-and-marriage-legal-differences/

I hope that you are financially independent and not a SAHM.

This, you have changed your mind its fine just get married.

Not wanting to get married is fine as long as you work or have some of your own money. If neither of these applies it is foolish not to get married. Do you work?

You need to decouple “wedding” from “marriage”. They are not the same thing.

If you want to have a big party with a floaty wedding dress do it. It has no bearing on the legal and financial status of your relationship. But you do need to educate yourself on what marriage actually means. It’s a legal contract which effectively stops the wealthier partner fucking over the less wealthy partner.

Completely agree.

Are you financially secure and working full time and earning the same/more than your partner, OP? Do you jointly own your home/pay the mortgage?

If you’ve given up work, gone part time to raise your kids, earn less than him or your name isn’t on the mortgage, I think you’re mad to not be married.

Having wills won't save you from inheritance tax. Marriage does.

It's the main reason we got married.

I did a big wedding the first time I got married. This time we did a tiny one at the registry office. 6 in total and a lovely meal out. I preferred my second wedding by MILES.