To be furious at my MIL for cleaning our living room

Well give her a chance to do so! For a society that’s always banging on about “being kind” there’s no chance of forgiveness!
I know so many families where they have nothing to do with their parents and not because of neglect or abuse, but because they’re busybodies and have overstepped “boundaries “. Be cross , fine, have a moan, but don’t destroy a relationship and deprive children of their grandparents.
The OP has said she’s not going to do this as MIL is her husband’s mother, yet there are so many people on here trying to persuade her to do the opposite. The MIL is at fault for interfering, but these posters are just as bad trying to manipulate OP to be really cruel

My mother had a thing about the fact that I arranged my cutlery drawer 'wrong' (so not exactly replicating the way she has hers).

Every time she came to my place, within a very short while of arriving, she'd go and rearrange it, then telling me very proudly and sternly, that she'd 'fixed' it for me. No matter how many times I told her I liked it the way I had it, and to please stop.

Right up until the day that I arrived at her place, gave her a hug and a 'hi Mum', and marched straight through to the kitchen, and her bloody cutlery drawer, rearranged it my way, with her looking on aghast (and amazingly, speechless!), and then said, 'there, I've fixed it for you'.

Never happened again. . .

You know when you do something someone doesn't like, and they tell you they don't like it, you know how to show you are actually sorry?

You don't pull the same shit again and again and say oops sorry oops sorry oops sorry each time.

Start with the TV remotes (better yet, take one of the batteries out or flip them around in the remote so they look like they are in right, but they aren't).

Then move her books, and cushions, especially if she has a favourite one. Something I heard on WILTY on telly was in the Coren-Mitchell household one of them moves the bookmarks either forward a few pages or back a few pages so that they either get confused with the storyline & have to go back a few pages to re-read it or they end up reading the same passages multiple times.

Don't let her away with it.

She could try not fucking around with other people's stuff.

That might help.

My mother is like this and will never change. I tried and tried. Truth is, it doesn't really bother me now, though the lectures of why she needed to 'help' get old, fast.

I'd not lose sleep over it though I do like the suggestions to re-arrange her house!

We know you mean well.

Why did you wow that OP? She didn't mean well, she deliberately trampled over your boundaries.

This has been sorted out upthread, quite amicably.

It’s not normal or regular behaviour to let yourself into someone else’s sanctuary without invitation - whether to clean, move furniture or feed the pets.

I’m not sure why people can’t see this and are making excuses for it.

She's not 95 ffs.

"I can sleep again now". LOL. A textbook example of narcissism at its finest.

Will be interesting to see what happens when you thwart her ability to "help" by making sure she is never alone in the house. The narc in my life used to fake illness a lot, maybe she will try that.

The fact that she said are you cross with me, shows that she knows she’s in the wrong. And the more that she has to do is stop bloody well interfering. I had one like this drove me insane, in the end my husband used to go and see her on his own, and the last words I heard her say were “ who is that lady”, when we went to visit.

"Thank you. I didn't want to change anything, just help you. Thank you for getting in touch again. Thank you so much, I can sleep again. You two are the most important thing for us"

Then why did she change things? It's BS. It's so BS it's makes no sense*. It was in her power NOT to change things, but she chose to change them.

*My fave Judge Judy quote: "That makes no sense. And if something makes no sense to me, it's usually because IT. IS. NOT. TRUE."

Oh, & bringing a photo of herself & your DH to your house & putting it in pride of place was helping you, was it?

-

This message from MIL riles me, as someone who's had several narc's in her life. Some of us narc survivors used to parse letters, emails, etc for each other - this is my go at MIL's text:

Thank you.
This is all about me. Thank you for replying. I don't care what you said & I'm not going to do what you ask. Just focus on me & we'll be fine.

I didn't want to change anything,
Nothing is my fault.

just help you.
'Help' is whatever I say it is. I define your world to suit my purposes. If I redefine my interference & PA damage as 'help', that makes me the good guy & you can't say anything without hurting me & looking like the bad guy, giving me the excuse to cry hot, bitter tears of anguish & go running to my brothers making drama drama drama - delicious! I win, either way! Say nothing & be under my thumb, squirming, or protest & I go off like a rocket.

Thank you for getting in touch again. Thank you so much, I can sleep again.
(Slaps back of hand to forehead, sinks slowly to the floor.) SEE WHAT YOU DID TO ME? You ignored my goading texts, you heartles, heartless woman! Isn't it enough that you stole my son? You plunged a knife into my heart - must you twist it as well by not telling me how angry you are? Was all my effort moving that chair for nothing? And the picture - don't tell me you haven't even noticed the picture! That was a masterstroke, though I say it myself.

You two are the most important thing for us
So I'm allowed to do & say whatever I want, forevermore. You will never escape me MWAHAHAHAHA!

NB Nowhere does she actually address what OP wrote to her:

"You are welcome here, but please don't tidy up anything or move or furniture around while you are here, we have asked you many times not to clean or move things around in our house. When you ignore it, it crosses a line and shows a total disregard for our feelings and opinion. You know this. It causes unnecessary stress and our house is the way we like it. The fact that you've sent me multiple messages to check if I'm "angry" shows that you know you've overstepped the mark. I am not angry. We know you mean well. But you need to stop this."

What might an apology look like? Something like this:
Dear DIL, Thank you for explaining to me. I now understand why things I've done have upset you. I'm truly sorry that I upset you & now that I understand, I won't do those things again.

Ha! Fat chance with a narc.

You may be MIL yourself one day and appreciate the difficulties of getting it right

People who mean well listen to what they're told. They might occasionally get it wrong but most people realise when someone means we'll and gets it wrong.

It's not well meaning or struggling to get it right when someone routinely ignores what they're told and goes rearranging someone's house.

You may be MIL yourself one day and appreciate the difficulties of getting it right

haha! I did chuckle at this

Its hardly "difficult" to not do things that someone has politely asked you not to do is it?

Is it "difficult" not to feed the dog when asked not to and make him ill?
Is it "difficult" not to rip out your DILs wild garden when she said not to?
Is it "difficult" not to replace photos of you DIL's parents with one of your own?

Not doing those things is not "difficult" at all and if you would find them difficult not to do then maybe you should seek out a good therapist eh?

It's very easy to not go into someone else's home and rearrange their furniture,ruin their clothes and destroy their garden.

You may be MIL yourself one day and appreciate the difficulties of getting it right

Is that you MIL?

How can you tell someone NOT to do something and they CHOOSE to do the very thing they’ve been asked not do be ‘difficult’ to get right?

Someone cleaning / moving furniture etc causes OP hassle to moved it all back - it’s not a favour she wants - plus when does anyone move anyone’s else’s furniture about - fucking rude.

Without hi-hacking this thread too much . Have a read of this one. X

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/parenting/4918259-quotes-from-narcissistic-mothers-support-for-their-victims-thread-3?page=9

Yup. And this reply of hers:

"Thank you. I didn't want to change anything, just help you. Thank you for getting in touch again. Thank you so much, I can sleep again. You two are the most important thing for us"

This is setting herself up to be able to ring her brothers and start off the conversation, 'I thought you'd want to know that, thank goodness, I shall be able to sleep again!'

'Why, Cissy? Whatever's happened?!'

'Well, it's a long story, but I cleaned for Sally like I thought she wanted and she was angry with me again, and I texted her and texted her and thank the lord she finally responded just as I was starting to sob my heart out wondering what I did wrong, and thank goodness she says she isn't quite so angry any more so I can at least sleep a little but I don't know what I did wrong, I only ever try to help, don't you think I only ever try to be helpful, Bert? As if I WANT Sally to be angry - I only ever want them to be happy and take a load off their shoulders ... <sobs>'

Ad infinitum, ad nauseam.

Spot on. That last paragraph broke my heart because I could have written it myself about my own mother!

It’s not particularly hard to get it right if you LISTEN and ACCEPT what you’re being told.

MIL is not a child. She knows exactly what she is doing. She was told not to do xyz by OP and by her son and all she had to do was listen to them and not do it.

If MIL really cared, she would stop! The onus isn’t on OP to pander to her and be accepting when she is doing harm and costing them time and money.

Bet if OP did the same thing as MIL, MIL wouldn’t be accepting whatsoever and make out what she does is not the same.

Then your comprehension skills are lacking

Totally.
I know the term ‘narcissist’ is very overused, but you are so right - text book stuff. Believe me, my mother was one and I recognise so much of this behaviour. This isn’t just an over enthusiastic, over helpful and keen individual. This is someone who just doesn’t, and won’t get normal reasoning and logic. Shes proven that by invading your space and taking over a role she wasn’t asked to. Most people know that is totally inappropriate and interfering. You can’t sit them down and have a chat about boundaries because narcs have no concept about boundaries and only see things from their angle - it’s part of the illness.

The only way to deal with it is either NC, which I appreciate you can’t go because she’s your DH’s mother, or only meeting on your terms on neutral ground where you’re in control of the scenario.

It took me years and years to realise that my mother’s ‘kindnesses’ as she called them, were actually controls and manipulations. I forgave her, excused her, felt guilty that I wasn’t grateful and let her back in repeatedly until it dawned on me she only did what suited her, and only on her terms. When I really needed a mother’s support in my life, she wasn’t interested because there was no obvious benefit or kudos for her. She couldn’t do ‘unconditional’ love and support - there were always strings attached.

And cut her wild flower lawn because she didn't like it.

Yes