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Original poster

My eldest an Parents- in-Law’s Golden Wedding Part 2

61 replies

OurNev · 22/01/2024 18:26

My eldest and Parents-in-law’s Golden Wedding

I have no idea if the above link to my first thread worked.

I told DH what I had seen on my younger son’s WhatsApp and how upset I was. We decided to wait until something was said.

On Boxing Day his sister told him that they would have to meet up to discuss the events that were going to be planned. She said the grandkids were doing something and DH said that my eldest would want to be involved. But sister said the weekend was only for grandkids but there were two other events that the extended family were going to be invited. DH could not carry on the conversation as people were in and out.

We spoke to younger son and he just hadn’t thought about his brother and kept saying that they weren’t his grandparents. The cousins never mentioned him at any point. I was so upset and we both started crying. I now admit that I very stupidly told him he couldn’t go to any event that his brother wasn’t invited to. He started screaming at me and said he was going.

DH calmed things down but when son had stormed off said he wouldn’t support me in banning younger son.

Well yesterday DH, SiL and BiL had a pub lunch to talk about dates etc. I wanted to gatecrash but DH said no!

There are three events: 1 for bio grandchildren ( and inlaws’ elderly cousins joining on one day) 1 extended family and friends and 1 for immediate family. Eldest son is welcome to join the other two events.

I regret to say that I was hysterical when he came home and told me. He had said to them he was disappointed about eldest’s exclusion.

Last night BiL rang DH saying while he understood his position he felt the grandchildren had a right to organise something. He felt as a family they had done their best to be nice to him and be respectful of his feelings, Apparently when we were together at Christmases they would withhold their kids’ presents so eldest wouldn’t feel left out. He thought it was enough that eldest is invited to extended family celebration.

At the end of the day I don’t want youngest going with his cousins but DH won’t support me and my younger son wants to go anyway. Doesn’t see the issue at all.

This is going to cost DH and his siblings a few grand.

I am threatening to tell in-laws (after the events) how upset that I am but DH says that he won’t forgive me if I do.

When younger one goes off with cousins eldest will be in middle of’A’ Levels and I don’t know how he will take it.

OP posts:

TheShellBeach · 22/01/2024 21:44

OP have you asked your older son what he thinks about this?

herewego9 · 22/01/2024 21:38

Cannot believe the amount of posts saying that this is fine as he's not a bio-grandchild. It is sickening behaviour from your husband's family and they should be utterly ashamed. I wouldn't go anywhere near it and it would totally change how I saw them from now on

Londonrach1 · 22/01/2024 21:38

What your eldest want to do. You seem to be going ott re this.

Ponoka7 · 22/01/2024 21:29

Kwam31 · 22/01/2024 21:12

From previous thread, the eldest has been in their lives since he was 2, now 18, it's actually quite horrible he's treated differently, he should be accepted as a family member.

He is counted as a family member, just not a GC. You can't force adult cousins to view him as a blood cousin. As said, it would just cause resentment.

Outlookmainlyfair · 22/01/2024 21:24

Such an unnecessary drama!

Crazycrazylady · 22/01/2024 21:19

Honestly using words like hysterical. You sound a bit unhinged op.

pickledandpuzzled · 22/01/2024 21:17

Kwam31 · 22/01/2024 21:12

From previous thread, the eldest has been in their lives since he was 2, now 18, it's actually quite horrible he's treated differently, he should be accepted as a family member.

Right, but he isn’t and there's no way to address that right now.

I think the half hearted effort from his birth dad’s family has really screwed things up, frankly.

But the choice is the status quo or everyone losing out.

Tinkerbyebye · 22/01/2024 21:16

I tell you what i would do

I would let your youngest and DH go, and I would spend the equal amount your DH is spending on a weekend away, the same weekend for you and your eldest somewhere really nice ( so neither of you go and you spend time one on one with your oldest)

The whole family is appalling

Harrietsaunt · 22/01/2024 21:13

Honestly @OurNev this is a ridiculous amount of drama.

Your DS is not their GC and no amount of hysterics from you is going to change that fact.

Stop making such a big deal out of it or you will ruin your relationship with your youngest, your DH, and the wider family.

Kwam31 · 22/01/2024 21:12

From previous thread, the eldest has been in their lives since he was 2, now 18, it's actually quite horrible he's treated differently, he should be accepted as a family member.

ConfusedBear · 22/01/2024 21:10

While it would be nice if your eldest was counted as a grandchild he isn't.

Surely the best course of action is to let your eldest know about the trip and ask him what he would like to do over those days. It sounds like a really good chance to recharge before his A-levels and if there is a takeaway or restaurant involved that you wouldn't normally go to with your youngest then all the better.

Canthave2manycats · 22/01/2024 21:10

To save any further drama, I would just tell your son and say it's not a convenient time for him to go away for a few days so close to his A levels.

He's not invited, so you will just have to suck it up. He mightn't care that much anyway.

Your PIL won't be around forever, so let it go.

"Hysterical" is such a massive over-reaction. I feel sorry for your husband and younger son.

Ponoka7 · 22/01/2024 21:09

You've got to come to terms with them not seeing your DS, as blood family. If his father was more involved and his GPs still in contact, you wouldn't be feeling this as much. It's a shame that your DH didn't adopt him, but you can't turn back time. There's going to be more events were he isn't going to be treated as family. Your youngest is entitled to mix with his family. You and your DH accepted this situation many years ago and it's unfair to want use and involve your youngest. As said this will damage your relationship with your youngest and your marriage, while not helping your eldest one bit. You aren't going to get your own way regardless of all the screaming and crying.

teatimeplease · 22/01/2024 21:08

If you carry on with the hysterics you're going to make it worse for our eldest! If he sees you in a state, kicking off over it he will feel like it's a massive deal too.

The reality is they're not his grandparents and yes it would have been nice if he was included and treated the same but ultimately he doesn't have to be and you can't force people in to feeling a certain way.

It's also unfair for you to be angry at your youngest for wanting to be included

AnneLovesGilbert · 22/01/2024 21:05

I’ve read both now. You’ve really escalated things in a huge way.

If your elder son was invited would you have let him go away a couple of weeks before a levels?

Neverpostagain · 22/01/2024 21:04

Op, your eldest is 18!!! Surely he can see he's not the star of this show even if you can't.

TheShellBeach · 22/01/2024 21:02

BTW OP people don't start Thread 2 until Thread 1 is filled up.

TheShellBeach · 22/01/2024 21:01

Aquamarine1029 · 22/01/2024 20:55

The op is looking for someone to agree with her that she should go completely scorched earth and ruin her relationship with her husband's parents, and subsequently her marriage.

Show quote history

🤣

pickledandpuzzled · 22/01/2024 21:00

Honestly none of this is in your hands.

You have the choice between ruining the relationship between your sons and between you and your husband and his family by making a deal of it, or styling it out.

That’s your choice.

You know they don’t see him as quite as much family as his brother, just as you aren’t quite as much family as their daughter.

When they are older the younger one will realise the implications more and perhaps regret how it happened. But you can’t force that on him now.

You can help DS1 cope by downplaying it, or you can blow it up and make it even harder for him. Your choice. Get a grip.

Aquamarine1029 · 22/01/2024 20:55

Crunchymum · 22/01/2024 20:50

Why an Earth have you started another thread @OurNev 🙄

Show quote history

The op is looking for someone to agree with her that she should go completely scorched earth and ruin her relationship with her husband's parents, and subsequently her marriage.

hopeishere · 22/01/2024 20:53

TheShellBeach · 22/01/2024 20:52

I'm lost.
Why is this going to cost your DH thousands of pounds?

Presumably the parents are expected to pay for the surprise the kids are organising.

TheShellBeach · 22/01/2024 20:52

I'm lost.
Why is this going to cost your DH thousands of pounds?

Crunchymum · 22/01/2024 20:50

TheShellBeach · 22/01/2024 20:49

The other thread hasn't got 1000 posts.

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/4956376-my-eldest-and-parents-in-laws-golden-wedding-anniversary

Show quote history

Why an Earth have you started another thread @OurNev 🙄

TheShellBeach · 22/01/2024 20:49

Crunchymum · 22/01/2024 20:36

I assume the other thread is full up? Did you not get enough advice in those 1000 posts OP?

It's shit for your eldest but what are you going to do other than complain about it? You have a range of options available to all way from doing nothing to ending your marriage. There has to be some way to make a stand that you are happy (enough) with.

The other thread hasn't got 1000 posts.

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/4956376-my-eldest-and-parents-in-laws-golden-wedding-anniversary

My eldest and Parents-in-law’s Golden Wedding anniversary | Mumsnet

This is my first post. I can’t really trust friends not to be indulgent to me. It’s a topic that had been done to death on here. Yesterday younger s...

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/4956376-my-eldest-and-parents-in-laws-golden-wedding-anniversary

TheShellBeach · 22/01/2024 20:46

OP why didn't you link your first thread?

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