Younger children turning on me.

Are you seriously equating abuse and murder of a child to ops eldest getting smaller presents and at 11 not being asked to be a flower girl?

Yes it is up to them, but to say that they suffered, diminished real suffering.

Unfortunately, whether people like it or not, parents sometimes have to make decisions with what they have at the time. Op felt that she was protecting her eldest daughter who genuinely had suffered.

They didn’t abuse the eldest daughter. They were kind to her and included her if gift giving. They just didn’t consider her their grandchild. It isn’t their fault that her paternal family has little to do with her, and it’s not their responsibility to compensate for that.

Op did respond to that and said that her mother was not the spoiling type.

It’s up to the daughters to decide whether it was/is a big deal for them. That you don’t personally think it’s a big deal is irrelevant, to them it’s something that matters, and is likely just one example of them being prevented from doing something with their paternal family.

@brokenhearted2

I was replying to this bit from the OP:
"
In those days work would have a dinner dance in Park Lane, would people genuinely have sent the younger two to a house where they would have been spoiled and sent the eldest one to be on her own at my mother’s? I couldn’t.
"

And what I'd meant was that surely the eldest daughter would be spoilt as well, by her grandmother?

The OPs mum is grandmother to all the girls. Not just the eldest

For the people saying that the younger children didn't suffer or lose out from only rarely seeing their grandparents (and other family like aunts, uncles), cousins:

Here is a thread with OP's mum moving away where OP is sad about her DD not being able to have a close relationship with the grandmother, due to seeing her less in the future due to the distance...

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/4941171-to-be-upset-mum-selling-her-house-and-moving-200-miles-away

It doesn't sound like there was any hoo har.

The sil didn't invite the eldest at all until prompted. The younger two were invited to be flower girls after two other children couldn't make it.

Op declined for the whole family.

There's no Hoo hat and the younger children certainly did not suffer, because they didn't attend a wedding when they were 3 and 5.

@starlightcan but the whole hoo-ha about the wedding is that eldest WASNT asked to be a flowergirl but was invited and that was enough for op to refuse interaction with the family, but now it's not important at all being a flower girl and the other girls shouldn't even think about it?

Sorry, just to clarify too, I meant they’d be unlikely to have had any awareness of not going – I’m sure if they had gone they would have noticed!

Of course, it would have been lovely to go and a shame to miss out in hindsight. Having that experience I’m sure would have been a great memory for them, and it would have been fun and enriching.

But lots of people are not flower girls –not having that experience does not mean they ‘suffered’ as children.

Interesting that little Arthur Labinjo Hughes step mother treated Arthur in such a way. Going outside to buy her own 'blood' children ice creams and other treats while Arthur watched on.

Yet here are people condoning that type of behaviour as normal.

Anyone with a shred of maternal instinct wouldn't allow their own 3 children to be treated differently.

I think it's quite different when you have a small child that lives in the family home with their mother, stepfather and siblings, and doesn't have a paternal family of their own.

We are not talking here about a little girl who was going off to see her dad and paternal grandparents every other weekend.

She was missing a whole half of her family and she was 3 years old when op met her dh.

It is understandable that the husbands family would feel a strong bond with their biological grandchildren, but imo openly treating them so differently to the point of lavishing the younger girls with gifts in front of the older sibling, is cruel.

But it just shows how many people feel like that. It's rather sad. The old blood is thicker than water.

Not going to some relative’s wedding as a 3 or 5 year old, which I very much doubt you’d have any awareness of, let alone care about

I was a bridesmaid at just turned 5yo and I can remember it very well and the excitement I felt at being asked and being there at the wedding. I remember talking to my new auntie on the top table and feeling terribly grown up. A wasp flew into my drink, so she asked for me to have another one, and I danced with my uncle, and the best man told me some funny stories about my uncle. It was very exciting.

A 5yo would definitely have cared about being a flower girl. She'll have heard friends talking about it, and read books with it in. I totally can see even a teen looking back and feeling they missed out.
It's the best age to be it really. All the fun, and none of the responsibilities.

I think the people who treated siblings differently are the ones in the wrong. How anyone could do that is beyond me. You shouldn't have to explain to a child why they are treated differently than other siblings. I doubt I would have done anything differently. I'm sure you did the best in the circumstances at the time. All you can do now is try and explain it to them. Hopefully as adults they might eventually understand

Sure thing hun 🥰

Again, not close to anything I’ve said 🤷🏻

I am, but don’t worry, I don’t need you to further expand on it. You clearly think the only person who matters here is the eldest daugher, and the feelings of her other children aren’t worthy of consideration. Op should definitely double down on this too, that’ll work out great for her.

You’re not really responding to things that I’ve said 🤷🏻

These are just the things op has mentioned as the big things but since she wanted no relationship with them your really talking more of missing every family gathering, wedding, birthday party, summer bbq’s any meet ups over Christmas, general play dates between cousins, maybe the odd family trip or holiday spending on the family.

then on the rare occasion you maybe are there because mummy allows it you don’t know the in joke in the family because Darryl threw peas at uncle Charlie over the Christmas dinner and then Mary was snoring like a little piggy so hard she farted… Maggie used to have a habit of climbing into small spaces and getting stuck. Gramma joe makes a mean whatever but you’ve never gotten to try it only hear about it.

All because the older sister was more important.

Why do you think she was incapable of understanding? If she had a relationship with her paternal family, would you expect her grandparents to consider the other two grandchildren and invite them along on visits as well? Or would you expect the two younger children to understand that they have different family relationships?

There are stepchildren on this thread that understood perfectly well that their siblings grandparents weren’t theirs, and had no problem with that. Or do those experiences not count?

Being aware of being excluded or treated less favourably than a sibling for reasons you don’t understand I’d say is probably an actively unpleasant experience.

Not going to some relative’s wedding as a 3 or 5 year old, which I very much doubt you’d have any awareness of, let alone care about – that is not being subjected to suffering.

I’m going by OP’s words. The youngest daughters clearly aren’t happy about the decision she made, and feel unhappy about missing out on having a relationship with their family members. They feel strongly enough about it that it’s blown up over the weekend, and is something OP recognises as serious.

As minor as you may like to believe this is, and that the feelings of teenagers are invalid, these things can have long term repercussions throughout peoples lives. I’ve seen it firsthand.

They didn’t ‘suffer’ – not going to some cousin’s wedding isn’t ‘suffering’.
But they must have 'suffered' that's the whole reason why the op refused a relationship for the younger girls and parental family? The 'suffering' of eldest for not being asked to be a flower girl or going to social things? To say they didn't suffer not going to a wedding removes all of the ops reason?