To be devastated over their break-up

They have gone their separate ways but you do not have to lose her friendship. It won’t be the same of course, but I would send the occasional text to see how she is.
My eldest sons ex from when he was a teenager is still in our lives 30 years on. She went to his wedding.

I support my youngest son’s ex as much as I can. It does not affect him, but she lost her mum in sad circumstances and always called me her second mum.

Just tell your son it’s opened the flood gates and your tears are about lost loved generally. Don’t put it on him that his failed relationship has caused you huge sadness, he has also been through a lot. This is a sadness to share with friends and wider family, not your son.

I really do wish her all the best but I’m heartbroken to be losing what is effectively a daughter.

Bloody hell. That's way OTT.

Support your son.

Grief comes out in various ways. I expect this is just another projection of your loss of your husband which must be devastating.

It’s lovely that you have had that support but equally you can’t rely on someone of that age to take on the responsibilities. You will shake it off and move on. But it’s bound to add to what you are already processing.

So sorry.

Between 18 and 23 I had a boyfriend to whom my family was extremely close. We went our separate ways and my prevailing memory of this time was my family’s reaction. They were all completely devastated and after a few months, I resented it massively. When I introduced them to my now (wonderful) husband, the pair of shoes he was expected to fill was palpable and he definitely got 2nd Mrs De Winter vibes.

I appreciate it’s a loss, but keep it proportionate and support your son. First loves rarely last, and this is usually a good thing as it sets young people up for mature relationships. Hopefully your son will meet someone equally great, but don’t make him feel bad over your sadness over the breakup.

This was me back in April.

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/4783731-why-am-i-so-bereft-about-my-dd-marriage-ending

I know my situation wasn’t compounded by the addition loss of a loved husband and the pain from that alone must be so hard, but similar in that I was also incredibly sad at the end of an adult DCs relationship. You’ve welcomed that person in and they become part of the family then suddenly, they’re not and their absence leaves a big hole.

I can promise you that 6 months later, I have come to terms with the finality of it and the pain does ease. I can see my DD has blossomed on her own - not that her ex was a bad person, he’ll always be part of our family ‘history’ and left many happy memories - but she has moved on and has grown in a different direction. I now appreciate even more how it actually takes courage to end a relationship that your family approves of and can almost be an additional pressure in the decision.

Be proud that your son and his ex were mature and level headed enough to recognise that the things that they were looking for in a relationship were different. Nothing worse than a couple tearing each other apart, becoming resentful of and not having the courage to break free. They both sound like wonderful people, but just not right for each other.

Given the detail that the OP posted about losing her DH suddenly and this girl being solid and dependable at a time when the OP’s life was turned upside down with loss and grief, it’s entirely natural that she should feel this way. You’re comment is at the very least ill considered, if not downright cruel.

It sounds like she was an amazing support to you during a really hard time. Like she become a close friend and not just your sons girlfriend.
with that context it is perfectly understandable why you are upset.

I think maintaining a relationship with her might be hard. In your shoes I’d see how things goes for the next couple of months. Let her have space from your family…she will need it as it sounds like she got very close to you all. then after that you can see if there is a way to have a friendship that doesn’t Make your son feel uncomfortable.

It might be that losing her has triggered the first loss of losing your husband. A good grief counsellor could help with this. Sending you lots of positivity that sounds very painful

OP asked so I answered with my opinion on why it may not have been appropriate. I obviously do not know all the ins and outs of the relationships. In no way am I trying to have a go at OP. I am simply stating my opinion, which she asked for.

OP I remember when my dd broke up with her first long term boyfriend, who we treated like son. I couldn’t explain it, but it blindsided me, I was devastated. I knew it was a problem with me, it took me right back to my first break up as a teenager and all those feelings came back. My dd was heartbroken and it was awful to see.

Obviously you associate this girl with the whole period of your husband passing too so it’s completely understandable that you’re devastated. Grieve and cry all you need (probably privately) I really feel for you. It’s nice to keep in touch but sadly not wise I fear, thinking of your son and any future relationships.

Sorry for your losses x

YANBU to be sad at all.

But I hope that will eventually settle into gratitude that this wonderful woman was in your lives to love you all when you really needed her, but recognising that it’s now time for her to move on and focus on herself and what she wants out of life.

I don’t think it will be helpful for you son to see you visibly upset about it, he’s going to be feeling his own loss from this relationship without worrying about anyone else’s emotional responses to it as well. But if he’s managed to find someone so kind and smart once, there’s every chance his next partner will be just as lovely.

I had a slightly similar situation when I was in my mid 20s. I had a great boyfriend, (but he was an only child, no siblings unlike in your situation OP), who lost his dad about 3 months after we first started dating. His mum was totally devastated by his death (as was he) so he and I tried very hard to help and support her, especially during the first year or so afterwards. As a result she and I became very close, very much like MIL/DIL and when, after about 3 years, my boyfriend and I mutually realised we were going in very different directions she was terribly upset. Probably more upset than we were TBH. I was also upset to lose her friendship as she had been nothing but kind, warm, open and welcoming to me right from the start.

In the end, after us both leaving each other alone for about 6 months we ended up bumping into each other in town and going for a coffee. Whilst chatting we both realised that apart from my relationship with her as her son's girlfriend, we were actually very good friends in our own right, so we continued to meet up and are great friends to this day nearly 40 years later. She has been a very much valued part of my life, and I can think of many times her words of wisdom and experience have helped me massively.

We live in different countries now, and I don't get back to the UK very much because of the cost of travel etc. But we speak every couple of weeks and both enjoy hearing about how our lives are going.

She has a wonderful DIL who I know she is very close to, but she does joke now and again that I am the DIL that got away.

I hope OP that maybe after a little space and time you might find that your son's exGF might want to keep in touch. Maybe you will find that you have a friendship with her independently. In the meantime, I do understand your feeling so upset, and I don't think you are being unreasonable. I hope you will find a way to cope with this additional sense of loss (which must be so intertwined with the grief of losing your husband) and feel better soon.

OP, you suffered a terrible loss, unexpectedly. She filled the hole that was left, even if only in a small way, and now you have another loss. Of course you’re upset. It’s completely understandable and only to be expected. It’s likely to have tapped into your grief. Give yourself time.

Didn’t realise this thread was all about you.

When I broke up with my ex, I stayed friends with his mum, and called her every month or so to meet up for a coffee/day out/meal somewhere.

She passed away last year and my ex didn't tell me until after the funeral, which I was absolutely gutted about, as he knew I visited her. More than he did, by far.

When my long-term boyfriend (7 years) split up with me, his DM was very upset. Told me that she wanted me to be her DIL. I know that it made him reluctant to invite subsequent girlfriends to meet his parents. Make sure that you don't make your DS worried about comparisons in the future - he may find someone equally nice/better suited to him.

Wedding is an irrelevant red herring and quite unhelpful to the OP to be going on about it.

OP, you've been through all sorts of grief recently. First moving which is a big one, then losing your Dh, which is massive and fairly recent. This breakup would be hard for anyone (as other parents here have said) but particularly difficult for you - and entirely reasonable. Please, please don't beat yourself up. When you have this big wounds of loss, a new one just opens up the wound again. Look after yourself, cry if you need to, don't think it's 'silly'. This is a genuine loss and it will make you grieve.

I am so sorry for your loss.
You're missing her because she sounds like a wonderful human being, as does your son! If there's one thing to take away from this, you have raised a lovely gentleman who knows how to navigate a break up with kindness and dignity.
She came into your life at a very difficult time and she was there for you - that kind of stuff bonds people. Yanbu at all to feel upset, but don't be afraid to take her up on the offer for coffee and a chat.

I agree. Everyone involved sounds lovely. OP, it's because you're a lovely person and the girlfriend is too that you're feeling so low right now. Wish I could give you a hug and hang out with you because you really do sound like a great person to know.

I also agree that it wasn't weird to go to the wedding. Your son and the girlfriend are clearly civilized people and why not.

You've had a lot of loss recently and I hope you can invite a family member to stay for a while so you feel less alone.

And? If the OP’s son and his girlfriend had split a month later instead of just before the wedding, the bride (and the forgotten groom!) would still have never seen her again. What were they supposed to do - say no family members could bring partners just in case they split up in the future?

There was no issue her going to the wedding. She was being thoughtful as it sounds like she always is. She sounds lovely (could you send me her number for my son lol). Your son sounds lovely, and they both sound like they have made a mature decision. There’s nothing to say they won’t rekindle down the line, I’ve seen it happen.
You have had a massive loss with your husband and I think this one might have just tipped you a little. Yabu if you are showing it to a high level to your son and other kids tbh, as a pp says it puts pressure on them, now and in the future. I’m sure your children will miss her and of course your eldest especially as this is about him. So at risk of sounding harsh, I think you need to pull yourself together and not make it about you.

@Applie You sound lovely and I think going to the wedding was the right thing to do, and the bride wouldn’t have minded. I’m sorry I’ve sent the poster off on a rant.
You sound really lovely, as does your son and whole family.
Im so sorry again about your DH.

You sound like you've got a lovely family and she was part of it. I totally get why you are so upset. You've really been through it OP. You will be alright and so will they but its obviously hard all round just now.