3. Our babies are fully active participants in the bonding process from day one
The good news is that, when it comes to bonding, we as parents don’t have to do all the work. Our babies are not passive beings waiting for us to mould them. On the contrary, they have intention and purpose. Their movements are not ‘just reflexes’ or their smiles ‘just wind’.
From the moment they are born, our babies want to form a relationship and bond with us. Indeed, they need this in order to survive. Not able to say words yet, they have mastered the art of non-verbal communication and use their whole body to ‘talk’ to us. They tell us how they feel and what they need with their arms, legs, hands, feet and face (with its dozens of muscles), as well as their mouth, nose, eyes and eyebrows.
So what they need from us is simply to be curious (we have our new brain for that), observe them carefully and even let them take the lead. If we can listen and be curious enough to understand what they are saying, we will see that, from their earliest moments, they are very good at telling us what they need.
Tips:
Before jumping into action, pause and observe your baby, notice the subtle changes in their facial expressions or in the movement of their arms and legs
Try to imagine how they feel in their body when they are hungry, tired, when they sneeze, or when they hear a loud noise
Follow their gaze to see what they are looking at and try to imagine what might be going on in their mind…
…and, of course, talk to them and acknowledge what they might be feeling.
4. Bonding is done through everyday tasks
Some more good news: we don’t need to invent new activities and games to bond with our babies and create that special relationship.
Bonding mostly happens through the daily tasks of caring for your baby. It is when you feed them, change their nappy, bathe them, get them dressed and undressed, put them to sleep, play with them, take them for a stroll and show them the blossoms in the trees that you really get to know them.
It is the way you respond to their needs, their cries, their yawns and their smiles that gives them the special feeling of being loved. So it is through the daily act of caring for your baby that you will steadily get to know them and love them for who they are.
Tips:
Value each interaction with your baby however routine it may feel
Involve them with the different daily tasks, tell them what is going on and what you are about to do
Share with them how you imagine they might be feeling during these interactions, i.e. when you change their nappy, or when you slowly lower them in the warm bath water, or when they cry or smile at you…
…and smile back!
5. Bonding is also a very fragile process
Bonding is a slow and sometimes fragile process that can easily be disrupted by external factors, such as emotional, financial or domestic stresses, a traumatic birth, early separation, difficulties in feeding, previous mental health issues, past trauma or a difficult childhood. These stressful external factors can distort how we see or hear our babies. Their cries can suddenly feel very judgmental and all we hear is: “You are a rubbish mum.”
A 2023 survey revealed that more than 1 in 10 mothers struggle to bond with their baby in the first year.
The feeling that we do not love our babies or that our babies do not love us can easily lead to postnatal depression (PND). If you feel this is happening, it’s important to find professional help. This is especially the case if you find it difficult to share these feelings with family or close friends.
Exploring those difficult feelings with a medical professional allows you to understand the roots of these feelings. It lessens their powerful grip, allowing you to gradually to see and hear your baby's cries for what they are: a cry that says: “Mummy, I need you. I cannot live without you. I love you.”
Tips:
Try to remember that your baby doesn’t judge you and that, for them, you are the most important person in the world
It is your internal critic that is judging you, and that can come from many places or past experiences, but not your baby
If you are worried and suffering, don’t hesitate to contact your GP or health visitor, or visit the links below.
Resources and where to go for support
Mind: a charity that offers mental health support.
The Birth Trauma Association offers an online search tool for a therapist specialised in birth trauma in your area.
The Association of Child Psychotherapists (ACP) offers online search for a child psychotherapist in your area who could help with postnatal depression or any aspect of the bonding relationship between parents and their babies.
Dad Matters provides support for dads suffering from anxiety, depression and post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD).
PaNDAS (Postnatal Depression Awareness and Support): a charity that offers support to every parent or network affected by perinatal mental illness (call 0808 196 1776).
Association for Postnatal Illness (APNI): The helpline is open from 10am to 2pm (call 0207 386 0868), or email [email protected] for advice on the management and treatment of postnatal illness. They also put women in touch with other mothers who have suffered from PND.