Step families

(22 Posts)
Familystruggles Fri 18-Oct-19 01:01:20

Hi all, looking for advice, really don’t want any uncalled for negative advice so this is going to be a long post unfortunately. Tried to post for advice briefly on another forum and got nothing but abuse as it was so brief. Been with my current partner for 5 years, living with each other for 2. I have a step song aged 8, and 2 kids from a previous relationship aged 11 and 7. We had a surprise baby 3 months ago, I was nothing short of devastated but he’s here, and the most amazing baby I’ve ever know! Absolutely zero regrets over our surprise baby. My problem is trying to come to terms with a combined family. My step son has major behavioural issues, he hits, nips, bites me and all my children including the baby. We try discipline but he has no interest. He has daddy son days every single week so we aren’t all taking his daddy away from him. We have my step son 50% of the week. Without sounding like a psycho step mother, I work, I go to college, and I look after 4 kids for half of every week. I also run to 2 different schools, in / different towns, just to make sure all our kids get to school every day. My problem is, the physical abuse from my step son towards my own children, and also the biological mother of my step son. She doesn’t work, doesn’t contribute to clothes, school runs discipline or personal hygiene. She sits in her house, shouts orders and my partner bows to all her commands. She is paid a healthy amount of child support although she only had their son 50% of the week, I personally off my wages have provided uniforms, shoes, clothes and 3 holidays which his bm has never provided. I’ve just recently found out by mistake, my partner has been giving my step sons mother, extra money, buying her stuff she needs all behind my back which is also on top of her child support she receives. I genuinely feel like the “other woman” an inconvenience to their lives, myself and my children, including our biological child, are being physically abused each week to the point we’ve been staying at my relatives when my step son comes and starts the abuse and I’ve now found out there’s also money being handed out behind my back! I work really hard to make ends meet, dad hardly contributes one penny to our household but happily provides for his ex and her household! I’ve tried to broach the subject which always ends in arguments which I do not approve of infront of children, but right now I have no clue what to do!!! Do I call it quits and leave and bring another child up alone? Or do I just accept this is our life now and put up with the abuse towards me and my kids and never question his money for his sons mother again??? Please help 😢😢😢😢

OP’s posts: |
negomi90 Fri 18-Oct-19 01:45:50

You protect your kids and leave. They have the right to be safe and not abused. You move out, with your kids. If your partner accepts this, then you continue the relationship on a lower level until behaviour gets better. If he doesn't, the relationship ends.
Your children's right to be protected from physical violence trumps everything else (including how much you love your partner).

lunar1 Fri 18-Oct-19 03:12:10

Protect your children and leave, none of you deserve this and it doesn't sound like the dad is working to improve things.

Espoleta Fri 18-Oct-19 03:32:06

So I will separate out your two issues clearly. First the physical abuse in your own home is not on and you have to protect your children. You partner needs to understand how serious this is and that you will leave in order to provide your kids with a safe environment. Even if you did leave where does that leave the baby when visiting his father? How would your baby have a relationship with his older brother? Does the abuse mean that their relationship would have to end in the meantime?

The money and the ex are a different issue completely. I get it but for me it wouldn’t be the main issue right now.

EileenAlanna Fri 18-Oct-19 03:35:28

It really doesn't sound like this is a relationship that'll work. Financially, you're effectively a single parent already. Emotionally, you're not getting any support from this guy. As for safety, you & your DC deserve better.
Your partner's son sounds like he has massive problems but they aren't yours to fix. Unless you own/rent your home in your sole name then the best course might be for you to leave. Could your relatives have you while you find somewhere else? Good luck with it all flowers

Wallywobbles Fri 18-Oct-19 04:48:40

I'm sorry but I really can't see how this can work. I'm a step mum. My Dc are now 15&13. DSC 13 &11 and every other week.

Together 6 years. It is tough, and our kids are delightful in comparison to your Ss. Financially the bigger commitment comes from me as my kids are with us 100% and I have a much larger income. DH is a total non spender. And nothing goes to ExW.

I'm afraid I couldn't swallow your arrangement. If my kids were being hurt I'd have to do something and your choices are so limited. If your DP won't get a reasonable court order ie no financial commitment elsewhere I'm afraid I'd be done.

Spanglyprincess1 Fri 18-Oct-19 05:30:50

How old is the biter Dsc? Is it both or just 2 year old... If 2 year old then crap but kinda normal as its a jealously thing that can happen with full siblings.
Could he if 2 year old, be given important jobs for baby eg picking clothes, helping sort toys, teaching baby about toys etc. My 1.4 year old gets jealous n went through a biting stage.
But it must stop, your partner must see this n be consistent.
The money thing is a pain in the arse. Going to sound hard but you need a sit down with dp state why it's not OK, list bills n state your not subsidising exyz for him to effectively give money away. Or withdraw that support. You pay only for your dc, you split baby's costs n he pays for his dc.
All bills Inc food are split 50,50. He does own school runs n pays before school club and you do all your own for your dc.
Might make him re think or if not then resentment will vanish for you as your not out of pocket
That way the resentment goes.


stuffedpeppers Fri 18-Oct-19 09:26:27

YOur step son needs some psychological support.

He was under 3 when his Dad left ( no memories of happy family)
If you were introduced early to him - this would not have helped.
Dad moves in with new happy family when he is 6
And new baby appears on the scene

Mum may or may not be contributing to the situation.

Your DSS is showing you all loud and clear, he is not happy. Please get him some help or get his father to, sounds like a very unhappy boy getting attention the only way he knows.

aSofaNearYou Fri 18-Oct-19 09:33:58

How does your partner respond to the violence?

I think it's very clear you need to leave - with a violent step son and a partner who doesn't support or respect you and lies to you - but the main thing you need to think about is whether your baby will be in danger if he has contact time at the same time as his other son. Can he be trusted to keep baby safe?

Youseethethingis Fri 18-Oct-19 09:34:11

It sounds like you are operating as a single parent already. Protect your kids, leave this circus and make sure your baby gets his rightful share of all the money your STBX is spreading around. flowers

FionaOgre Fri 18-Oct-19 09:49:57

You'd do far better alone. At least you'd have less work and three less dependants. SS, your partner's ex and of course, your good for nowt partner. Make life easier on yourself.

Bibidy Fri 18-Oct-19 10:29:52

Do I call it quits and leave and bring another child up alone? Or do I just accept this is our life now and put up with the abuse towards me and my kids and never question his money for his sons mother again???

Absolutely not.

Your DP has the exact same obligation to love and protect your baby as he does his older son. He needs to stop SS hurting your kids immediately.

As for the money, that is also completely unacceptable. If he has SS 50% of the time then it's likely he doesn't even need to pay maintenance at all, let alone give his ex more money on top. He should certainly not be doing it behind your back, especially if your finances are joint in any way. Are they?

Bibidy Fri 18-Oct-19 10:32:55

PS. That absolutely not was for accepting that this is your life.

If your DP won't change these things I think you and your kids would be better off without him. Maybe then he'd give you extra money like he does with his ex hmm

MotherofTerriers Fri 18-Oct-19 10:41:23

Your children deserve better than this, I think you need to protect them and leave. You and your children are being physically abused, and that may well get worse as SS gets bigger and stronger. You are working very hard to provide for your kids and are effectively bankrolling your partners ex. Plan properly - do you own or rent where you live now? Could you afford it alone if your partner left? Would it be better if you leave or ask your partner to leave?
If - and its a big if - he accepts that the current setup is unfair to you and can't continue, maybe you can live separately and date, while he focusses on sorting out his son's issues.
I don't think the current situation is sustainable, you are quite rightly going to become increasingly resentful. In the end that might make having an amicable co-parenting relationship harder.

LatentPhase Fri 18-Oct-19 10:47:54

Your DP does not support you in any way, or respect you. This would not work for me. And it certainly doesn’t work for the dss who is so very unhappy. Cut your losses and leave.

Sotiredofthislife Fri 18-Oct-19 15:34:02

jesus wept, what is it with all the bio today?

The bio father sounds utterly useless. Why are you with him? What the child's mother does (or not), is absolutely none of your concern. Not her job to parent her children when they are with their bio father. So why isn't the bio father stepping up? Why is he leaving it all to you? Why are you doing it all for him?

SandyY2K Fri 18-Oct-19 15:45:39

It would be a easy decision for me if my DC were being abused.... I see it as my duty to protect them.

Your DP not contributing financially would also be another reason to leave.

I can't see what use this man is. You're better off on your own.

DriftingLeaves Fri 18-Oct-19 15:48:53

Throw him and his son out.

HeckyPeck Fri 18-Oct-19 18:49:47

Do I call it quits and leave and bring another child up alone? Or do I just accept this is our life now and put up with the abuse towards me and my kids and never question his money for his sons mother again??Please help

I agree with PPs that you need to leave. I think you and your children would be so much happier away from this situation.

Felic23 Sat 19-Oct-19 16:39:17

Hi you have done well putting up with that so far. I think if your partner is going behind your back to give his ex money unless there is a reasonable explanation i would feel there is no trust.
Can i just ask how the kids get along?

I have a son and my partner has a son and we are thinking of moving in.
I worry how the kids will get along.

Familystruggles Sun 20-Oct-19 00:42:48

Thank you for all the replies. I’ve had a sit down with my partner over all issues involved. He appreciates the behaviour issues are a problem given half the week everything is fine and as soon as ss comes the dynamics of the home totally changes. I can’t accept that unless the behaviour of ss actually changes!!! He accepts he is manipulated by bm and bows to all her needs but won’t accept that his contribution to her household (where she has a partner) is more than he contributes to our family home! I totally stand by his child support but anything extra behind my back may I add, whilst i am having sleepless nights worrying how I can pay the bills is totally unacceptable! For the time being, myself and my kids have packed done bags and are staying with a relative. I can say hand on heart this is the best weekend we’ve had in 5 years!!!! I need to leave 100% for the sake of my children and I thank each and everyone of you for the advice xx

OP’s posts: |
FionaOgre Sun 20-Oct-19 13:13:21

Good luck OP.

If he can't admit that he's making you struggle so he can give extra cash to support his ex (not his son, as he's 50/50 therefore not legally bound to give a penny so it's all profit on her side!) then you need to leave and have him pay what's legally due to you. I would just be wary of him wanting contact with your child at the same time as his violent DS. But as your baby is still a baby you can organise visitation with you around.

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