Forgotten items on contact days. Whose responsible?

[Spanglyprincess1]

So dsd is lovely but forgetful.
She again left something in the car at drop off for school, her summer coat despite being reminded along with her brothers to check if she had everything.
School is a 40min drive away in diff Town. Exw moved not us.
Dp has the baby all day till 3 then is at work till late. Dsd has other coats at her mom's but heavier weight ones - she's 8.
Exw demanding dp drop of the coat which is an hour and a half journey (there an back) with bbay in the car or lost work time.
Unreasonable to ask dsd to use her other coats as she forgot it after being reminded, and it will be returned at weekend or if its important for exw to collect it herself?

[BiscuitDrama]

How old is DSD?

[BiscuitDrama]

Oh I see, 8. Bit young to be remembering herself I would say.

[RolandOnTheRopes]

She is a child and you know she is forgetful, perhaps the ADULT with her should take responsibility for checking she actually has everything she needs.

[Fabellini]

If she has other coats then it can wait til the weekend, or her mum can come and get it if she feels so strongly about it.
Lesson for next time? Check the car yourself when she’s getting out so that you’re sure she has taken everything!

[Spanglyprincess1]

She was reminded. Once in the house. And came back for coat and once in car when got out.
There were 3 kids and the bbay so lots to do.
She's forgotten 3 pe kits lost at school in one term and a pair of shoes. So she has form.
No. Issue ref her needing reminding but she has other coats and it doesn't warrnet an 1.5hr journey

[MustardScreams]

Whoever is dropping DSD off needs to ensure she has everything, as parents tend to have to do for their children. If dd’s dad forgot to bring something of hers with him I would expect him to drop it off, I didn’t forget it!

[FriarTuck]

It's a coat, she has others - she can wear a different one until the weekend. At 8 she's old enough to remember her jacket if reminded initially. If you were closer then it would be different, but at a distance imposed on you, nope, not for something that's not vital.

[Spanglyprincess1]

I wasn't there I was at work. Yeah she needs reminding more forfully or checking but dp is as bad as she is for forgetting stuff!
My view is she has other coats and it can wait till the Weekend. And then both of them should make sure and check or make her waer the coat so she can't forget it

[Walkamileinmyshoesbeforeujudge]

Ime drop offs and pick ups are stressful enough without being an Uber for bloody coats!! Dsd will remember it next time won't she?

[Spanglyprincess1]

Lol coat uber! Brilliant.
Yeah I agree tbh. She has other coats.
Seems a pointless waste of time and fuel. Plus baby has a horrible cold so bit unfair for him to be in a car seat for 3 hours today as already did the school run once this morning.

[JoxerGoesToStuttgart]

She has other coats. She’ll be fine. If she ms miserable without her coat it will cement the lesson in her head to remember her coat next time. The hard learned lessons are the best remembered.

[Spanglyprincess1]

Dp wouldn't get back till after the breaks anyway, hopefully it won't rain!
So she's without a coat today no matter what due to forgetting. If she didn't have spare coats it would be different obviously

[NorthernSpirit]

We’ve had the same. DSC are slightly older (10 & 14) and have forgotten items (despite being reminded numerous times). We live an hour apart (so a 2 hour round trip for us). Mum has never done a drop off or pick up.

The older DSD left an item once and asked for it to be driven over. It was posted back with the warning that this was the once & only time it would happen.

No, I wouldn’t drive the coat back. She has others and if mums that desperate for it she should pick it up herself.

[Stepmoose]

The onus has always been on dh to pick up and drop off dss, I think he gets a raw deal and don't see why it should always be on him. It also means that inevitably dss leaves things every now and again and dh receives messages from dexp asking him to drop them off. DH has been treated like a taxi/delivery service over the years whilst she doesn't lift a finger in that respect. DH has asked occasionally for her to pick dss up and she usually replies that she "isn't going out" i.e. it is inconvenient - but it is ok for dh to be "inconvenienced".

If it were a fair World I would say both parents should be sharing drop off and pick up responsibilities and both parents should be responsible for checking the dc have come/gone back with everything they need. If something is missed, return of the item if urgent should be arranged fairly.

[Banhaha]

I think that would be ok to wait. I think 8 is a bit young to be remembering everything. Your OH could ask them to stand by the door and do a mini inspection before they leave to check they have everything? I think it's his responsibility at this age. Maybe once they get to secondary school they need to be looking after their own belongings a bit more.

[eve34]

This is a sore point for me and it really does depend on a number of circumstances. The age of the child and how often it happens. How often you see them. And distance. All add to the situation.

In my case I support dd to pack
Her stuff to go. She is 7. If I didn't help her she would take 15 teddies and no pants. In the same way I feels her dad should check and ensure she had everything back in her bag when she comes home. She can't do this herself. She is seven.

Also she goes fortnightly. And my ex is always forgetting stuff. So it can be over a month before I see anything again. And it is most visits something has gone walkies. I try hard not to let it get to me. But he currently has had a cardigan for over a year. A pair of leggings. T shirt. Pants and goggles. Yes I can keep replacing them. But I shouldn't have too.

She has some lovely things I now don't let her wear. Which is really sad. And she grows so quickly. She can be in one thing for a few months. Then it doesn't fit.

As I say I know it feels petty. I'm always chasing things. But she is here
Most of the time. And I buy the damn clothes. (2 months child support in a year and counting) So would like to enjoy the benefit of them.

[cookingonwine]

Its a different parenting style. At 8 I would expect a child to realise they needed a coat.

[Spanglyprincess1]

She was handed the coat leaving the house. And then left int in car, god knows how.
Anyway we haven't dropped dit back

[Anuta77]

I wouldn't drug the baby sit in a car seat for 3 hrs over an item that is not essential.
I believe that children should learn consequences of their actions and this could be a lesson for her and your DH to check, but at the end, we are all human and this happens and generally, it's not the end of the world.

[Anuta77]

My SD (12.5) just forgot her partitions in the car . And since her dear mother who's supposedly such a good friend of my DP wouldn't ever drive to get anything that SD forgets, it's going to be my DP. It's not the first time, but he always goes and brings it (40 min one way), so she doesn't learn.

[stuffedpeppers]

She is 8 yrs old - she needs reminding.
Some complete ridiculous comments about a child and her father should be checking the car is clear before he drives away.

[Maybe83]

I think it's easy to forget when we arnet the ones swapping homes a few times a month that actually it's easy for a child to who is naturally disorganized to struggle with it.

I ve left things in car that should have gone with my youngest in the morning rush to the childminder and I'm an adult!

I keep boxes in my boot now all things go into them bags jackets lunch boxes. Nothing in back seats and means the likely hood of me forgetting is reduced. How about doing something like that, she takes 10 mins before she leaves to double check she has everything, into the boot and dp checks its empty when she gets out.

Yes she needs to learn but she also needs help to do it. Some children are naturally more disorganized than others just like adults.

[HotChocolateLover]

DSS is a nightmare for this, he’s 9. It doesn’t matter how many times we check whether he’s got everything, he quite often forgets something. The ex will often ring up ranting but DH just doesn’t rise to it anymore. It’s not your responsibility to drop the item back, just ignore her.

[MAV34]

Unfortunately this scenario is really par for the course when children travel back and forth. It’s a shame the adults get into squabbles over such things as it just leaves their child feeling even more responsible for misery that is not of their making. I’m a step parent (and parent), my partner just tries not to rise to the bait and immediately replaces lost items or sends the occasional item via express delivery.