Ok, I've been on this board a little while now. Today is another disappointment so I thought I would tell my story and see if anyone else has any ideas on what to do now.
I've been with my dp for just over 2 years but have known him for 3 and have lived with dp and his two dc for just over a year.
DP took over dc after exw said she could not cope with ds due to severe learning disabilities. There were also issues with both schools saying signs of neglect and dd had said that she had been sent to shop to buy a pot noodle for dinner when dd was only 9. Dd promptinf dm with medication etc. With support from social services, special school etc. Dp took over and exw moved to 2 bedroom flat with understanding that dd would move in with her and dp would have ds. Unfortunately dd admitted that during weekends spent with dm a person of safeguarding concern to children came to the flat. This is something social services had agreed with dm several times and documented that dm was not to have this person around the children.
Dp with social services and parent support worker approval went to court for residency of children and contact centre was put in place for dm to see dd and ds respite to see ds.
3 court dates and almost a year later dp had residency. Exw judge said was to under go safeguarding course to under how to keep dd safe and having shared rules of contact for dd to feel safe. View to eow contact overnight but to build up to. At this point exw was seeing dd in community for the day.
I moved into family home around this time. It was a decision we gave dd 6 months to think about before hand and she was very happy about this.
3 weekends after over night commenced it dd admitted that 2 of those weekends exw new bf who DP had no idea about and had no idea of existence in exw life, had stayed overnight at exw flat.
Dp said back to contact in community as huge breach of trust and dd admitted she had had to lie. Only slipped when she overheard me and dp discussing meeting and mentioned the bf.
Dd had regular calls with dm throughout week. Bf began to be present and abusive towards dp and myself in the background which made dd unhappy. Dd later said that dm had taken her to bf sister house during contact. Dp was unaware of this at time.
Month later social worker contacts dp and says that he should get background check done on bf as has some concerns. Under Sarah's law dp did this and had a disclosure 2 months or after social worker contacted dp, which had an alarming history of domestic violence that police was aware of. Dp sought advice of social worker, parent support worker (New one who took our family on due to this reason) and special school.
Dp with advice told exw that new bf was not to have contact with dc or talk on phone or he would put contact to contact centre again.
Bf became abusive and exw did too. Phone calls and threats to snatch dd. During this time it became even more apparent exw only interested in dd and not ds. Was a very hard time for all of us. Due to their violent response we contacted police but that only made verbal abuse worse. Bf also accused dp of raping ex-wife which we recorded and showed the police. Police said wild accusation no evidence and would not be issue unless went to police but it was him saying it not her.
Social worker advised to take to contact centre and dd to have letter writing contact with dm as phone calls were monitored and interrupted by the bf. Dd wrote a letter and it took 2 months for dm to reply and only after I called her to plead with her. Dp was only communicating by text with her at this point and she was refusing point blank to agree to contact centre. So did not see dc.
3 months after staying back to contact centre exw came to ds sports day and approached teacher to ask to see ds at the school. This was without dp knowledge and teacher rang after. At sports day exw accused him of harassing her about the contact centre and she had not made a decision.
Understandably in this time dd behaviour deteriorated. We tried to show her that it was not us stopping her from seeing dm and she did understand. But very very hard.
In the year i had known her I saw she had lots of behaviour issues I attributed to struggles of living with disabled sibling and issues with dm and neglect. When living with dd I realised how significant it was dd was 11 and did not know how to wash hair, brush teeth , wash body, pardon me for detail but underwear filled with yellow thick unhealthy look discharge and faeces. I did my best to address these issues and worked with parent support worker, school nurse and finally doctor when realised not washing or wiping had given her thrush. Dd is healthy and doing well now but combined with attitude and separation from dm. Was very very hard to deal with and I just wanted to wave a magic wand and fix it so badly.
6 months after disclosure dd requested to see dm for 12th bday which between me and dp we facilitated public meet in coffee shop and I stayed at home with ds. Still no contact centre. This was Oct 17.
I worked with parent support worker to get dd referred to counselling through new school to support her as I wanted all the help and support for her we could get. Despite all my personal struggles with her and her brother I have only ever done my best by them. I advocate them and their needs wherever I can. I am only sad I do not love them like my own but I have come to accept that. I will always do my best by them.
Child maintenance contact dp after this to ask about payments. Except from Aug last year and feb 17 no payments. We did not make a big deal of this because I am the primary earner and dp has pt job around ds needs. Child maintenance decided to persue and bf then contacted dp on another message format regardless of both of us blocking him and I had her. Bf was very abusive and as a result due to ds challenges we decided against having her in our house for contact with him as she refused contact centre and it was of dp good will. Ds bday was a video call which he did not cope with very well.
After Xmas exw lied and said she had split from bf and could she now see children. Dp said contact centre and let's build up trust and go form there. She agreed 9 months after solid refusal. Then once applying for local centre has refused to pay her half.
So here I am at the conundrum.
No contact centre. How do we get her to see her dc. Ds needs and meltdowns mean public is out of question and would need to be at our house. Respite no longer agreeing to facilitate as ds struggled in past and had meltdowns when seeing her so it would all be on dp and myself.
Offered her to go to coffee shop on Saturday to see dd and she said she didn't have enough money. Tbf dp offered at short notice as we had lots of discussions over it as he didn't want to do anything other than contact centre and he is her hurt by all her behaviour in last 3 years and prior to that their 10 year marriage.
I've offered her to come to dinner next next weekend. She has agreed. This is to see dc.
She had informed me she won't be coming to ds review meeting tomorrow. She has not been to one since 2016. She asked me to drive 60 mile round trip to get her and take her. It would cost her £8 on bus.
I don't know what more we can do.
I know I've skimmed over a few bits but long long story. So if any questions fire away.
Please be kind. I've been supporting dp through almost the whole scenario as I met him a couple of months after he left exw.
Any advice??
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17 replies
ElChan03 · 17/01/2018 00:10
OP posts:
blockchainlogic ·
22/01/2018 16:55
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