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Step-parenting

Any more ideas on what to do?

17 replies

ElChan03 · 17/01/2018 00:10

Ok, I've been on this board a little while now. Today is another disappointment so I thought I would tell my story and see if anyone else has any ideas on what to do now.

I've been with my dp for just over 2 years but have known him for 3 and have lived with dp and his two dc for just over a year.

DP took over dc after exw said she could not cope with ds due to severe learning disabilities. There were also issues with both schools saying signs of neglect and dd had said that she had been sent to shop to buy a pot noodle for dinner when dd was only 9. Dd promptinf dm with medication etc. With support from social services, special school etc. Dp took over and exw moved to 2 bedroom flat with understanding that dd would move in with her and dp would have ds. Unfortunately dd admitted that during weekends spent with dm a person of safeguarding concern to children came to the flat. This is something social services had agreed with dm several times and documented that dm was not to have this person around the children.

Dp with social services and parent support worker approval went to court for residency of children and contact centre was put in place for dm to see dd and ds respite to see ds.

3 court dates and almost a year later dp had residency. Exw judge said was to under go safeguarding course to under how to keep dd safe and having shared rules of contact for dd to feel safe. View to eow contact overnight but to build up to. At this point exw was seeing dd in community for the day.

I moved into family home around this time. It was a decision we gave dd 6 months to think about before hand and she was very happy about this.

3 weekends after over night commenced it dd admitted that 2 of those weekends exw new bf who DP had no idea about and had no idea of existence in exw life, had stayed overnight at exw flat.
Dp said back to contact in community as huge breach of trust and dd admitted she had had to lie. Only slipped when she overheard me and dp discussing meeting and mentioned the bf.

Dd had regular calls with dm throughout week. Bf began to be present and abusive towards dp and myself in the background which made dd unhappy. Dd later said that dm had taken her to bf sister house during contact. Dp was unaware of this at time.

Month later social worker contacts dp and says that he should get background check done on bf as has some concerns. Under Sarah's law dp did this and had a disclosure 2 months or after social worker contacted dp, which had an alarming history of domestic violence that police was aware of. Dp sought advice of social worker, parent support worker (New one who took our family on due to this reason) and special school.
Dp with advice told exw that new bf was not to have contact with dc or talk on phone or he would put contact to contact centre again.

Bf became abusive and exw did too. Phone calls and threats to snatch dd. During this time it became even more apparent exw only interested in dd and not ds. Was a very hard time for all of us. Due to their violent response we contacted police but that only made verbal abuse worse. Bf also accused dp of raping ex-wife which we recorded and showed the police. Police said wild accusation no evidence and would not be issue unless went to police but it was him saying it not her.

Social worker advised to take to contact centre and dd to have letter writing contact with dm as phone calls were monitored and interrupted by the bf. Dd wrote a letter and it took 2 months for dm to reply and only after I called her to plead with her. Dp was only communicating by text with her at this point and she was refusing point blank to agree to contact centre. So did not see dc.

3 months after staying back to contact centre exw came to ds sports day and approached teacher to ask to see ds at the school. This was without dp knowledge and teacher rang after. At sports day exw accused him of harassing her about the contact centre and she had not made a decision.

Understandably in this time dd behaviour deteriorated. We tried to show her that it was not us stopping her from seeing dm and she did understand. But very very hard.
In the year i had known her I saw she had lots of behaviour issues I attributed to struggles of living with disabled sibling and issues with dm and neglect. When living with dd I realised how significant it was dd was 11 and did not know how to wash hair, brush teeth , wash body, pardon me for detail but underwear filled with yellow thick unhealthy look discharge and faeces. I did my best to address these issues and worked with parent support worker, school nurse and finally doctor when realised not washing or wiping had given her thrush. Dd is healthy and doing well now but combined with attitude and separation from dm. Was very very hard to deal with and I just wanted to wave a magic wand and fix it so badly.

6 months after disclosure dd requested to see dm for 12th bday which between me and dp we facilitated public meet in coffee shop and I stayed at home with ds. Still no contact centre. This was Oct 17.

I worked with parent support worker to get dd referred to counselling through new school to support her as I wanted all the help and support for her we could get. Despite all my personal struggles with her and her brother I have only ever done my best by them. I advocate them and their needs wherever I can. I am only sad I do not love them like my own but I have come to accept that. I will always do my best by them.

Child maintenance contact dp after this to ask about payments. Except from Aug last year and feb 17 no payments. We did not make a big deal of this because I am the primary earner and dp has pt job around ds needs. Child maintenance decided to persue and bf then contacted dp on another message format regardless of both of us blocking him and I had her. Bf was very abusive and as a result due to ds challenges we decided against having her in our house for contact with him as she refused contact centre and it was of dp good will. Ds bday was a video call which he did not cope with very well.

After Xmas exw lied and said she had split from bf and could she now see children. Dp said contact centre and let's build up trust and go form there. She agreed 9 months after solid refusal. Then once applying for local centre has refused to pay her half.

So here I am at the conundrum.
No contact centre. How do we get her to see her dc. Ds needs and meltdowns mean public is out of question and would need to be at our house. Respite no longer agreeing to facilitate as ds struggled in past and had meltdowns when seeing her so it would all be on dp and myself.
Offered her to go to coffee shop on Saturday to see dd and she said she didn't have enough money. Tbf dp offered at short notice as we had lots of discussions over it as he didn't want to do anything other than contact centre and he is her hurt by all her behaviour in last 3 years and prior to that their 10 year marriage.

I've offered her to come to dinner next next weekend. She has agreed. This is to see dc.

She had informed me she won't be coming to ds review meeting tomorrow. She has not been to one since 2016. She asked me to drive 60 mile round trip to get her and take her. It would cost her £8 on bus.

I don't know what more we can do.

I know I've skimmed over a few bits but long long story. So if any questions fire away.
Please be kind. I've been supporting dp through almost the whole scenario as I met him a couple of months after he left exw.

Any advice??

OP posts:
ElChan03 · 17/01/2018 00:11

I did put paragraph breaks in this when I typed it I promise!

OP posts:
user1498424431 · 22/01/2018 16:36

Hi,
You sound like such an amazing step mum!
From previous experience I can totally relate to you wanting to maintain a relationship between the children and the mother. It sounds like you have gone above and beyond as well as your partner. I personally think you should allow the mother to make her own choices, to learn how to manage money so she can be able to meet up with her daughter at the drop of a hat, or walk the 60miles if she had to if she couldnt afford the bus fair!!
Put yourself in the position of what your giving up to ensure your at that meeting, what have you given up for HER children because it sounds like she doesn't sacrifice half as much as you!
Being a step mum is such a hard job ESPECIALLY to a child who has attachment/neglect issues.
I think the evil step mother brand comes from jealous ex wives who fills their kids heads with crap when really we do our best for the kids, something the mothers cant always see!!

blockchainlogic · 22/01/2018 16:55

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ElChan03 · 22/01/2018 17:11

Thanks for the messages. I knew it was a very long post.
I just struggle to understand her logic. I'm not a mother myself but I find it hard to empathise with her actions.
I'm completely dreading this weekend for both reasons that A she will actually turn up or B god forbid she doesn't. Then I have no idea.

I also think there are a lot of brilliant step parents on here. Which is why I'm glad I found Mumsnet. Makes me feel not so alone.

OP posts:
Blackteadrinker77 · 23/01/2018 12:43

You don't love them like your own but don't have your own? That confused me.

I think you're doing too much. It's enabling her to continue to be useless and not put her children first.

After this weekend I'd leave the ball in her court how she gets time with her children. She will have to pay the contact centre etc. If she doesn't try then that is not your problem.
Spend your energy on other things. Take DSD for her nails done or something.

DonnyAndVladSittingInATree · 23/01/2018 12:56

So here I am at the conundrum.
No contact centre. How do we get her to see her dc.


You don’t. It’s up to her to see her children. She won’t. End of. If she decides she can cope with a contact centre then she can get in touch and pay for it. Until then I would ignore everything. In fact. I would engage a solicitor and have them write to her advising that all communication is to be via your solicitor. Ignore everything from her. You’ve done more than enough. More than I would have done. These children need stability. They don’t need to be fucked around by a feckless parent. I speak from experience.

ElChan03 · 23/01/2018 13:57

@blackteadrinker77 sorry badly worded the point I was trying make is that I am very aware I do not have a mother's love for them and I worry so much that it hasn't come naturally to me. Lots of people write on here how they love their step children as they do their own. I'm like 99% sure that I do not love them in what I imagine that would feel like.

It used to really tear me apart that I had this gap of emotion for them and I just wanted desperately for their mum to be a part of their lives because I can't give them what they deserve and I can't be a mum to them.

I hate how callous that makes me sound. I do very much care about their needs and welfare.

I will pass onto DP the advice here about leaving it after this weekend.
I hate enabling her to let them kids down but at the same time I dread having dsd turn around and say we stopped her from seeing her mum.

We have talked about putting it back to court as due to the safeguarding the court ordered contact isn't applicable now. But DP works only 10 hrs a week and I do not feel comfortable saving up to pay for court for her access. If that makes sense.

OP posts:
DonnyAndVladSittingInATree · 23/01/2018 14:12

You have offered suitable contact in a contact centre. I have no doubt that SS would support your offer as acting in the interests of the children’s well-being. You are being protective parents. Their mother has declined that contact. If she wishes to see them, let her take it back to court. You dont need to take it to court, you offered contact, you’ve done what can he expected of you. The onus is on her to actually turn up for contact. So leave it now. Ignore all communication from her. Expect a court summons and when you get one, engage a solicitor but until then, do nothing. Tell the children their mother has chosen not to have contact at this time.

ElChan03 · 23/01/2018 14:24

Thanks @Donny for this advice I'm definitely going to tell DP this.

I know part of this is me over thinking and worrying as this makes perfect sense.

I don't suppose you have any advice regarding dsd and how to support her with this? She's 12 and has definitely started puberty now so I'm sure she's going through hormone city. She's not very good at talking about her feelings and I hate the fact that she has been effectively abandoned by her mother. How do you explain that this is her mum's choice?

She said to me last month that she found it hard to talk to her friends because when they talked about their mums and mum and daughter things she shouts at them and then they fall out. I guess that's why I feel bad about it because I can't fill that role and it's not my place to. I also sometimes find it hard to do things with her alone due to her attitude, it can be difficult. Whilst I don't blame her at all and don't treat her like a pariah because of it, I still find it hard to do girly things with her because I'm waiting for the shouting or attitude.

OP posts:
DonnyAndVladSittingInATree · 23/01/2018 14:32

It’s a very hard decision to make to decide to stop bending over backwards for contact with a parent who could really take it or leave it. My DS is also 12 and it has taken me 12 years of him being messed around to finally decide “enough is enough”. I decided that I was just going to leave it up to his father to put a plan in place for contact himself and approach me with it. You’ll be interested to hear that since I made that decision I haven’t heard a single thing from him in 8 months. My children haven’t heard from him, he missed xmas and my eldest’s birthday. Not a card or a present. To me this tells me all I need to know, if he isn’t being spoon fed his children he just isn’t interested. My eldest DC (12) is quite angry with his dad. He doesn’t talk about him much at all to me but he sees a counsellor once a week. I think it really helps him to have someone unbiased to talk to. Would that be an option for your DSD?

FWIW DS is hormone city too right now and can be quite hard to be around at times. I think that comes with the territory of pre teens though!

DonnyAndVladSittingInATree · 23/01/2018 14:34

BTw the counsellor was arranged through SS so I don’t have to pay for it. Your SW might be able to arrange something for your DSD

ElChan03 · 23/01/2018 14:43

I'm really sorry to hear that @Donny. I see this being the future for Dsd and most especially dss. She isn't remotely interested in him at all.

Dp approached the school about counselling when she started secondary school. But when seeing the parent support worker we got this chased up and she started counselling in december. I'm not sure how it's going as I don't want to ask her, counselling is a private thing but if it stops at all I will look into getting her more if she feels she would like to.

She also goes to young carers and guides and we try and pay for all the trips we can afford through guides and the school. Whenever dss is at respite I said she's welcome to have friends over and stay. 2 weeks ago we did this and took her and friend to cinema and sprinkles and she had a good time. I also actively encourage her to spend time alone with dad and I will l9ok after dss if needed to give them alone time.

It's really so sad when parents do this. When she told me about her friends and their mums she said that her mum was supposed to always be around and it was dad's who were the ones that went away. It's a society view and sadly is true in a lot of cases.... so hard when the absent parent is the mum.

OP posts:
DonnyAndVladSittingInATree · 23/01/2018 14:49

That’s good that she is seeing a counsellor. It’s early days so it may take a couple of months before you see any change in her.

It is very hard to see them hurting but you really do sound like you’re doing all you can for her. It’s harder for you as a step parent too. But good that she has someone to play a mother role.

ElChan03 · 23/01/2018 15:51

Fingers crossed it does.

I hope your children come through the other side too. And that your ds1 finds counselling useful to get through his anger.

My dad was pretty useless when I was growing up. I guess I didn't want dsd to feel the same as I did.

Let's see how the weekend goes!

OP posts:
ElChan03 · 26/01/2018 16:43

So nervous about tomorrow now. Her being in our house. I don't really know what I will do with myself other than sit in the corner with dp and feel awkward lol

OP posts:
lifeandtheuniverse · 26/01/2018 19:46

Elchan - you are an absolute star and those children are lucky to have you in their lives.

you will survive tomorrow - because you have managed so far and you know you can.

You will protect those children and be there to pick up the pieces with your DP at the end of the day. You and your DP are a team and they will appreciate it later - especially DSD.

just make sure there is a big gin, vodka, whisky, wine or beer ready for the evening!

ElChan03 · 26/01/2018 20:11

That's a very kind message @lifeandtheuniverse

I know I'm not the only one worrying. Dsd came into bed with me this morning and said she had had a bad dream that mum had turned up with bf and he was mean.
I told her I would deal with him if he did but I didn't think he would.

She's really excited about seeing her mum at the same time, she brought her art folder home from school to show her. She's also got a game out for them to play and I suggested that she makes some cakes for her mum as it was her bday recently. So I've got all the ingredients for that and I suggested that maybe they make them together as something to do. Dsd liked that idea.

So mixed feelings that I want her to definitely come but at the same time dreading it!

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