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DH dropping off DSC - Am I being paranoid?

(121 Posts)
Goodluckjonathan76 Sat 28-Oct-17 19:01:37

DH and I have been together 6 years. His DCs, DSD 1 and DSS, nearly 12, spend 50% of their time with us (Weds to Sat). DH takes them back to their mum on Saturday afternoon which is a 20 minute tube journey (40-45 minutes door to door). I know how long the journey takes as I have done it before and DH often takes a lot longer than 45 minutes (usually at least 1 hour or 1 hour 15 minutes). I know I am being ridiculous but I imagine him having a nice cosy cup of tea with his ex in that time which really irks me. I asked him once if he spent 15-20 minutes talking to his ex had handover and he said no, he never goes in. He is not running any other chores or errands on the way there or back so there is potentially 20 or 30 minutes which I can't account for. I asked him about it previously and we had a massive row with him saying I don't trust him. I don't mind if he does have things to discuss with his ex but wish he would be upfront about it. Am I being mad/paranoid? My ex had an affair (as did DH when with his ex (not with me)) so makes me wonder.

Goodluckjonathan76 Sat 28-Oct-17 19:03:43

Sorry, I should clarify, DSD is 14, DSS is nearly 12.

wheresmycake Sat 28-Oct-17 19:05:25

If he is having a cup of tea / chat with ex, maybe he wants to show DCs their parents can still have a civil relationship. If you push him to account for every minute you will drive a wedge between you.

Goodluckjonathan76 Sat 28-Oct-17 19:07:16

Flagging their ages as, as 14 and 12, I am not sure that DSCs even need to be taken home to their mum's.

Goodluckjonathan76 Sat 28-Oct-17 19:08:30

Yes, I know, but just really upsets/annoys me. I know he would be annoyed if I did the same with me ex without telling him.

Smarshian Sat 28-Oct-17 19:09:25

Surely it takes longer than 45 minutes to do the journey if he has to go there and back? 20 min tube journey each way = 40 mins plus walking to/from tube each way plus wait for tube could easily be 1hr 15mins. I think you're being paranoid

Battleax Sat 28-Oct-17 19:09:52

Some people stride along, through crowds like a shark's fin and run to jump on the tube as the doors close.

Some people dawdle.

I'm a strider married to a dawdler. Are you?

In any case, even if he WERE having a cup of tea and ten minutes' small talk with two teens present, that hardly constitutes a torrid affair.

Maybe he IS popping in for the kids' sake and is too scared to tell you. Think about what that really means.

MongerTruffle Sat 28-Oct-17 19:10:17

If you have so little trust in him that you have to account for every 20 minutes of the day then you clearly have some bigger relationship issues.

Finola1step Sat 28-Oct-17 19:10:38

Maybe he has a cuppa with his ex. Maybe he doesn't. Maybe he goes for a coffee or walk to clear his head before heading home because he finds it hard to hand the kids back. Who knows.

But the key issue here is that you time your DH and don't trust him.

CocoaXx Sat 28-Oct-17 19:10:47

hmm dear goodness, he takes his DC home to ensure they are safe - what kind of parent would expect to make the journey themselves when they could be accompanied? If they were both over 16, it wouldn’t matter if that was what he wanted to do!

As for chatting on the doorstep, or cup of tea, or whatever, maybe you would rather your money was spent with them communicating through lawyers.

Sorry but this is the most ridiculous post I have read in a long time. Get a magazine and a cup of tea and enjoy the free time.

HollyandBrambles Sat 28-Oct-17 19:11:49

Just leave it OP, not worth getting into an argument over 20 minutes, it’s much better they’re civil for the DC sake, it would really piss ms off if DH timed me doing things.

swingofthings Sat 28-Oct-17 19:13:02

He probably is having a chat with her but considering your reaction to actually counting the time he probably doesn't dare telling you. Its a vicious cycle you are putting him on the spot because you think he is lying and he is lying because you are putting him on the spot.

How about telling yourself that he might be having a talk with her maybe even a cup of tea but that's is ok because something he is perfectly entitled to do.

Battleax Sat 28-Oct-17 19:14:27

Put it this way; You're more likely to drive him away by being jealous and paranoid about harmless things. Insecure partners are oppressive to live with. Maybe you need to talk the past over with someone?

ItsNiceItsDifferentItsUnusual Sat 28-Oct-17 19:14:32

You’re pretty unreasonable to ask him to account for 20 mins, and I suspect this is a direct result of you being in a relationship with a man who you know has had an affair, even though you have previously being cheated on. You know he’s untrustworthy.

imokit Sat 28-Oct-17 19:26:15

He is
not having an affair in 20mins in front of his teenage children.

He may
be talking to his ex with friendly chit chat
be talking to his ex about the kids
be talking to his kids and his ex or allowing his kids the opportunity to tell their parents things at the same time
be stopping on the way to get the kids a drink/have some time with just them
be stopping/dawdling on the way back to clear his head and help transition between having the kids and not having the kids

All of the things he may be doing are very reasonable and he should be able to do them without question.

Santawontbelong Sat 28-Oct-17 19:33:25

My bizarre childhood saw my df taking me home by train, dsm kicking off, her being invited along, her befriending my dm, they went to the pub +gym together, poor df got it in both ears!! Looking back dsm was a fruitloop who ended up making my df choose. Her or me.
She won..
Been nc for over 20 years.
Don't be the one who drives herself to distraction . Enjoy the peace and be refreshed when he gets back. Not suspicious and angry. Won't do your relationship any good.
flowers

TheLiars Sat 28-Oct-17 19:38:05

Cheese and rice no wonder you had a row. I'd be pissed off if I had to account for twenty missing minutes! shock

EsmeeMerlin Sat 28-Oct-17 19:40:39

God he must feel exhausted dealing with you sometimes, getting questioned like that. He could be doing a range of things in those extra 20 mins, I doubt he is having an affair. Honestly work on your paranoia otherwise it will drive a wedge between you and your partner and it won't be him at blame.

Also he is more than able to have a cosy chat with his ex, it's not just his ex but the mother of his children.

IssyStark Sat 28-Oct-17 19:43:14

Good god woman, get a grip!

20 minutes!

I should bloody well hope he is talking to his children’s mother at handover, if only to fill her in about things that have happened with the kids, school issues, clubs, friends etc etc. Do you really expect him to dump and run?

Of course a parent wouldn’t see 15 minutes spent talking about their kids as chatting when you asked. Just be reasonable and stop fretting over nothing.

LazySusan11 Sat 28-Oct-17 19:44:39

There’s nothing wrong with having a chat with an ex if it’s all amicable. It took me 9 years to get into a good place with dh ex however now when she drops off she’s invited in for a cuppa and we all catch up. When he drops off they discuss anything that may have come up. It’s a good thing, it’s good for the kids to see that their parents can have a healthy relationship.

Unless there’s more to this relax, he’s being a parent it’s hard enough to be a step parent don’t make it harder for yourself.

NoCryLilSoftSoft Sat 28-Oct-17 19:44:52

fucking hell! Poor man. Do you time all his journeys to work? To the corner shop? To visit his mum?

LoverOfCake Sat 28-Oct-17 19:45:48

Yeah, in twenty minutes he has time to have a cup of tea as well as a quick shag. Oh but wait..... the kids are there.....

Honestly, you time him down to the last minute? He wasn't the one who had the affair, he isn't accountable to you for what your ex did.

I wouldn't stay in a relationship with someone who was that untrusting/controlling.

Looneytune253 Sat 28-Oct-17 20:11:14

Jesus you’re talking about 15-20mins. What the hell do u think they will get up to in that space of time. Even if they are having a cosy cup of tea, so what!! They have children together. It is good for the children to be civil although I doubt there’s any cosy cups of tea happening tbh. Can’t believe you’re quibbling about such a short period of time!

OpenThePickles Sat 28-Oct-17 20:13:29

I can't believe he hasn't told you to eff off. Why does he have to account to you every minute he's away from you? That would drive me nuts.

eyebrowsonfleek Sat 28-Oct-17 20:23:49

Ffs! It’s 20 minutes! If you were a man, you’d be accused of being controlling and abusive.

It’s understandable that he might dawdle or the three of them might stop off elsewhere on the way back. I have kids who are a similar age and they might try and get a bottle of pop or ask their parent to buy an item that they’ve run out of. Eg hairspray

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