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WIBU? Who is responsible?

(125 Posts)
NameChangeShamed Thu 30-Mar-17 22:39:52

Child lives with DM and stays with DF two nights a week; DM gets letter from school regarding non uniform day the following week, this day falls on one of DF's days but doesn't tell him. DF took DD to school and she was the only one in uniform.

Who is responsible? DM for not telling DF, or DF responsible for checking with school?

needsahalo Thu 30-Mar-17 22:52:01

DF needs to be signed up to text alerts with the school and be checking school website/blog/calendar. It's called parenting confused

Isadora2007 Thu 30-Mar-17 22:53:42

DF should have registered for school info when child started school.
Children usually know about non uniform days too- surprised they didn't remember!

ZilphasHatpin Thu 30-Mar-17 22:54:11

If dads contact Is on school days then he needs to make sure he gets all letters/texts etc.

Hellothereitsme Thu 30-Mar-17 22:56:52

Not mum's responsibility to keep dad informed about school. She can choose to but doesn't have too. Tell him to sign up for patent mail with the school.

iogo Thu 30-Mar-17 22:58:58

I actually think the mother was mean not to have said. My old school wouldn't have sent out a text alert for that as texts cost 4p per number. Some schools still don't email everything.

Hepzibar Thu 30-Mar-17 23:00:37

Sounds like neither DM or DF are putting DD's needs first.

Joinourclub Thu 30-Mar-17 23:01:49

Why does child 'live' with mum but only 'stay' with Dad? If it's two days every week do they not 'live' with their Dad for two days?

DragonFire99 Thu 30-Mar-17 23:03:12

If the mum knew about it, she should have told the dad - for their child's sake. It's just selfish not to.

Agree that dad should be getting emails from school too - and acting on them.

workingmumsarebad Thu 30-Mar-17 23:20:30

Sorry - DF needs to get a life and parent his child properly.

Yes Dm could have told him, maybe she forgot knowing it was not her day and did not register it.

My Ex always asks me to keep him up dated - look on the school sodding calendar - it is online.
I am no longer your wife, mistress, secretary or occasional shag - grow up and take responisbility

Isthisusernamefree Fri 31-Mar-17 00:43:02

If DF has children on school days, why would DM not leave letters which relate to DF's contact days in the book bag or school bag? Seems mean and unnecessary of her not to mention it or to just leave the letter in the bag. I think the DM let her child down, but to stop this happening again, get DF to contact the school and ask if they can send letters to him via email. If not, he'll have to speak to DM and ask for her to leave letters in the bag so he can keep up to date too.

Graphista Fri 31-Mar-17 00:52:30

I wouldn't assume mum hadn't told dad, my ex used to claim i'd not told him stuff when I had (AND emailed and texted reminders).

Dad is an adult and knows he has child for school days so should have arranged communications from school some time ago.

IMost schools now have their events/calendar available online in some form. Even if not he could have requested they keep him informed.

So ultimately dad is BU.

babynugget Fri 31-Mar-17 00:56:53

My DP has repeatedly asked his DC's schools to send him text alerts, copies of letters home etc and they do it for about a month then it stops. It's beyond a joke and he has tried and tried. He is the only parent to attend any parents evenings or school events yet the DC's mum is the only one to get any info - which is rarely passed on. So I think it's a bit harsh for you all to jump all over the OP's DP and brand him a poor parent for not knowing. Whether parents are separated or not there should be discussion about their shared DC's and shared responsibility.

Wellitwouldbenice Fri 31-Mar-17 01:02:08

It's a ridiculous question. Both are responsible.

LeviOsaNotLeviosAR Fri 31-Mar-17 01:09:31

I think the DM wbvu. She should be passing anything on like that for the interests of her DC, not withhold information to point score or prove a petulant point when all it does is make her DC suffer. That is poor parenting.
That does not mean the DF should rely on her as his sole source of information. He should get alerts etc too. But in all fairness, non uniform days are not a regular enough occurrence to expect him to check the website every access day on the off chance there is an event on.

emmyrose2000 Fri 31-Mar-17 01:23:06

I think the DM wbvu. She should be passing anything on like that for the interests of her DC, not withhold information to point score or prove a petulant point when all it does is make her DC suffer. That is poor parenting. That does not mean the DF should rely on her as his sole source of information. He should get alerts etc too. But in all fairness, non uniform days are not a regular enough occurrence to expect him to check the website every access day on the off chance there is an event on

I agree. Some non-uniform days are organised very last minute and aren't put on websites, alerts etc. I've certainly never received an alert/text for one. Nor would it occur to me to check the school website (or whatever) everyday for news.

It sounds like the mother was trying to make a point to the father, and it was her child who suffered. How selfish. Also, why didn't the child herself mention it to dad?

Theresnonamesleft Fri 31-Mar-17 01:28:57

He's an adult and so it should be up to him to ensure that he is on the mailing list. I wouldn't tell him a thing. Not beucase of point scoring or to be a shit parent, but because I shouldn't still have to micro-manage him.
But why does it make the mum a shit parent when he can get access to everything that she can?

keeplooking Fri 31-Mar-17 01:38:47

Whoever's fault it may be, I just can't imagine any circumstance where I wouldn't be double-checking that the information about school events, activities, parties etc. had been received and was going to be acted on. This sounds like petty point-scoring to me.

keeplooking Fri 31-Mar-17 01:45:00

But why does it make the mum a shit parent when he can get access to everything that she can?

I don't think it makes her a shit parent, but surely if you know that something's happening at school that needs some preparation, you'd double-check with whoever is going to have responsibility for your child at that particular time, just to be on the safe side, for the sake of the child, wouldn't you? Heaven knows I do it now, and dh and I are still together!

needsahalo Fri 31-Mar-17 06:41:45

* I don't think it makes her a shit parent, but surely if you know that something's happening at school that needs some preparation, you'd double-check with whoever is going to have responsibility for your child at that particular time, just to be on the safe side*

Why is it mum's responsibility to double check?

Whatthefreakinwhatnow Fri 31-Mar-17 06:46:00

Well how old is the child? Why didn't they say to Dad I've got non-uniform day tomorrow?

If it were me I'd have told him, but then I have an amicable relationship with DD1s dad. Not everyone does though and I agree if it's two day's every week Dad needs to be on the text alerts and checking the school website.

NapQueen Fri 31-Mar-17 06:47:01

How would the df know unless either she told him or the kid did? Is the kid old enough?

MangoSplit Fri 31-Mar-17 06:47:19

It's difficult to be sure who was in the wrong without knowing the details of how it was communicated. But assuming that it was properly communicated by the school (newsletter, website etc) then the Dad needs to take responsibility and stop expecting his ex wife to be his secretary.

MangoSplit Fri 31-Mar-17 06:53:32

However if it was communicated only by a letter in the book bag, and the mum removed this and didn't tell the dad, then of course it's the mum's fault.

SookiesSocks Fri 31-Mar-17 06:59:55

Is it not more likley DM forgot?

My DC brought home a letter last Monday for non uniform Friday......I forgot blush

In an ideal world seperated parents will hand over all this stuff. Ex and I call each other night before handover to update but we still forget stuff sometimes.

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