oh dear where to start...

[NorthernNanny5]

So this is a long story but I will try to make it brief although you need to understand the picture I think.
DH and I have been together now for nearly 4 years, he has 3 children I have 1. About a year after we got together my ex and his ex got together – yes I know all pretty hideous and I have found it all very embarrassing at times when friends have asked ‘when are you going on Jeremy Kyle’ etc anyhow this situation has caused various issues over time.
One issue being that my ex has openly slagged of my now DH to my DS who has then come home and repeated this stuff in front of oldest DSS so understandably over the years he is not a fan of my ex (his DM boyfriend). This has resulted in DSS living full time with us(not the only reason) and more recently DSS being excluded from family events with his DM which includes xmas day this year.
Sadly due to this strange set up the bitterness you would expect to subside a little over time has never done so as I guess they both don’t mind that as its common ground where as in a new relationship it would be a turn off that they were still so bitter/angry about an ex.
The latest chain in events is that DSS went out to dinner last night as it was other DSS birthday dinner with DM and her family, it turns out my ex and my DS would be there. DH got very upset once he had left about this as in the past DSS would not have entertained going if my ex was there.
I think the upset comes from over a period of time not just DSS going to this dinner although I know he felt let down (loyalties and all that – a man thing) but also I think it’s certainly been apparent to me for some time but DH talked about it last night, how he feels like a cash machine and that his oldest DSS uses him for money and generally when he wants something but gives nothing in return. He also is seeing it from his 2nd DS too, he said last week when he was away working not one of them messaged him back to say Hi or how are you. He had sent them messages. Yet there have been other weeks when he is away when they are pestering him constantly but its cause they want something.
I just don’t know how to help him or advise in this, he is so down and hurt and feeling used like he’s good for all the shit side of parenting but none of the reward, and he is no Disney Dad and is very active with all his Children. I know children can be thoughtless and a bit selfish especially teenagers but to be honest I do know what he’s saying as I have been quietly witnessing it for some time now.
My problem is DH has clammed up and is barely talking to DSS since he got in last night which I’m sure isn’t the answer either……Help girls just don’t know what to do anymore with it all and I prefer not to talk to RL friends although they have been great I find all this swapsy stuff very embarrassing and the crap that seems to come with it
Apologies if it is a bit jumbled, trying to type it down proved quite hard

[winterst4r]

Wow that's a lot on your plate, no wonder you feel overwhelmed! A similar thing happened in my extended family (not to me) and I can see it is very hard on everyone at times and yes I can see how it could be embarrassing... But you know what? People judge you your family/ the choices you all make no matter what you do. It doesn't matter. All families have complicated dynamics... As for your partner he needs to process it on his own and then when he's worked it out a little in his head he may be able to talk about it. If you push it he may get worse, even if you're trying to help... At the end of the day the kids sound like they are confused and acting out which sounds like its coming from the other side and its really unfair it gets heaped on you... Don't forget that kids can be jerks just because they're kids. I know lots of lovely wonderful children with great parents who just go through phases of being selfish and inconsiderate to thier parents as teenagers and then grow out of it. Anyhow I hope you feel better getting some of that off you chest. Keep your chin up xx

[NorthernNanny5]

Thanks Winter, it certainly does help to off load, due to this weird set up I do keep stuff in too much.
Interesting to hear others have had similar or known of similar situations