What's wrong with me? PPD? Neurodiverse?

[Bricabrac22]

Dear Mumsnet,

What is wrong with me?! I can't seem to cope with life and get burned out and flustered very easily.
If I have a productive hour or day or week I then have to have a nap/duvet day.
I was the clever weird kid in school who aced everything until I was about 14.
Since then I have just had false starts and eventually scraped my way through uni. My coursework was always on the cusp of a first if I handed in on time but would fail exams terribly. Chronic procrastinator and terrified of failure.
I had bad social anxiety before and throughout university but had flurries of being loud and extroverted with the help of alcohol and then I need to hide away for a bit again.
I've never lasted in a job longer than a year and find work overwhelming and stressful.
Now I have a 6 month old baby and am left with no coping mechanisms as I can't be alone/take a nap and need to be constantly "on".
I am constantly surrounded by mess in the house and the smallest of tasks seem insurmountable.
If I do manage to keep on top of housework/life admin/social events there is always a fallout and it is inevitable that I will cry or go into a rage.
I also struggle with impatience, I get terrible brain fog and can't concentrate on multiple things at a time (e.g. if DP is talking to me in a busy supermarket as I try to remember shopping list I start to shutdown)
I am filled with dread about returning to work as I didn't click with my colleagues as much as I hoped. I'm also incredibly disappointed at my lack of success as I'm fairly intelligent (not that the world owes me anything). I never seem to progress anywhere as much as I try and this leads to long bouts of depression.
But mostly I don't know how I will keep up with the additional mental load.

Maybe you should discuss these symptoms with your dr. But also, please don’t be disappointed in your lack of success - successful people have often had a certain amount of luck. It sounds to me like you haven’t had a nurturing environment at uni or in your working life - has anyone ever taken you under their wing and really helped you? We were never supposed to live life alone. Maybe you could join a supportive group like a church or women’s group. I think you need some people to rally around you and help you get everything in order. I am sure many readers will identify with what you’ve posted, and we can all think, ‘thank god I had XYZ to turn to when I burnt out’.

I’m not trying to armchair diagnose you but I would suggest considering ADHD. There’s a great neurodiverse board on here which I’ve found really helpful

Thank you both.

I was lucky to have some supportive mentors during university. It meant things would get slightly better for a month or so and then I would miss tutorials and deadlines again. So, understandably, they stopped investing their time in me and thought I was a waster.
I have joined some mum's groups. It is nice to get out and meet other mums but I'm quite awkward and the small talk is tedious. Also the noise of everyone's children in one room overwhelming. I'm hoping if I keep going it will get easier.

I do think ADHD explains a lot. I will check out the Neurodiverse thread for some advice.

Sounds like me, I have 3 children with autism……
Never before thought I was on the spectrum but now seeing them it’s pretty clear. I have awful social anxiety sometimes I’m more able to have a chat than others if I’m tired I will literally try my best to not talk to anyone.

Hello! It does sound like you could be on the spectrum for sure! My friend who describes herself as very similar to you has identified as ASD and ADHD, she also has an autistic daughter.
I have an autistic son and I have also had similar experiences to you. I have heard that having children can often be a time where the ‘wheels finally come off’ with the coping mechanisms you have created!

so... some conditions that cause fatigue:
hypermobility syndrome/ehlers danlos (are you particularly bendy? )
POTs
autism.

the dead line stuff could be adhd type things or autism
sensory and social issues could be linked with autism
sounds like you are having meltdowns. and autistiic shutdowns.

do some research
write a list
go to Gp (double appointment) to ask for advice and/or a referral for assessment for whichever you think is closest/worst

in the mean time: try not to plan too many things, pace yourself and give yourself time to rest.

ps you could have a whole heap of conditions... some fo them come armed with mates to back them up... the bastards...