My marriage is fucked but im too scared to take the next step VERY LONG

[HopelessNamechange]

Help with my relationship

I am a young mum of two boys aged 3 & 2 I have been married since May 2004 we got together in October 2002, I am incredibly unhappy, I hate it this is the situation, we have not had sex in several months (My fault I really don't want to have sex) we have barely spoken in three months other than to attempt to keep up a facade to those around us or for him to snipe at me.

We have no shared interests I go to the gym and play on the computer he is on the computer or is fixing up his Land rover at his parents which I am expected to attend however we don't speak when we are there
His parents whom I care about have started to make comments on our relationship his mother is lovely and is really the only help I get with the children wants to fix us.

My opinion of him, he is a self centred controlling selfish negative person, when I try to carve out me time it is met with derision, when I am on the computer when the boys are in bed I am at the end of why isn't x y z done, I am a stay at home mum, I am lumbered with doing everything for the boys regardless of whether he is around or not as well as all housework which is never done to his standard ironing gets thrown back at me as it isn't good enough I feel I am walking on eggshells trying to make him happy and to be good enough, I am expected to arrange what I am doing on a whim of him and feel I always have to check what he is doing and fit the family around him.

He is the provider without him financially I have nothing we have a safe where we keep the cash at home as in his opinion I don't look after the house well enough he has changed the code so I can't get at it anymore, it has the boys passports and other important documents in this is mainly due to the fact that I would rather spend my day with the boys than doing housework and there is a mess at times and I don't do everything straight away but in my opinion is still pretty tidy .

I am never good enough with regards to the boys either apparently I don't discipline them enough or hard enough (he wants to smack them but I would leave him in a second if he ever did especially at this age) when I do housework during the day and leave them unsupervised like typical toddlers they start playing with stuff the shouldn't and have in the past scratched the television broken ornaments and made a dent in the wall. So I feel I have to keep a tight rein on them and don't get the housework done, by the evening I am generally so knackered I just want to veg out especially after cooking the second dinner of the day for us.

He gets very angry and while it isn't on me I am scared of him, when he discovered the dent in the wall he destroyed the kitchen bin punching and kicking it threw a pan that was soaking all over the floor and cracked a kitchen cupboard door.

I feel he wants me to be the good wifey and I am far from on target. I don't think I ever will be good enough for him, he has taken to recently making the children accessories in putting me down recently making my eldest tell me where the bin was (I had left an empty packet out)

He has had feelings for a woman at work and after I found out and challenged her directly she denied everything and left shortly after this woman had known him since childhood and I had heard an audio message of them together in his car him stating he had brought a blanket to snuggle with and her recounting about him sending her a text saying that he was going to leave me. Also how it had made it awkward with her husband. She told him about me talking to her and he also denied that anything happened although he admitted that he felt something towards her but I still don't really believe him.

I don't know if it is worth it, I don't know if I love him anymore I don't think I can stand to be with him as when he about especially the way he walks around naked physically repulses me but I am so scared to leave him to take the step to say we are finished.

[dignified]

He sounds like an abuser, good on you for seeing that and wanting out.
Do you have a mortgage, or are you renting ?
You,d be entitled to tax credits as a single mum so youd be okay financially, you wont starve..
Could you go to your parents in the short term ?

[HopelessNamechange]

We have a fairly large mortgage my parents wont help I don't get on well due to the crap I went through as a kid sexual and physical abuse which is why I am so negative about ever smacking my two boys

[abedelia]

Help you with your relationship? Er - you don't have one. This man is vile, controlling and I seriously suggest you take a good look at the narcissism thread as it will be a revelation. As for keeping the passports under lock and key - well, he probably knows well that the moment you wake up and smell the coffee rather than having all self esteem squashed out of you, then you will be off to the other side of the Earth given half a chance.

Get as much info about his finances as you can
(old statements etc) then run as fast as you can to a solicitor on Tuesday. I am sure they will be as horrified as I am and will advise you on what the bastard owes you. Don't waste any more of your life on him. He should be locked in that bloody safe along with all his precious junk as he's a danger to women with that attitude.

[Dee2B]

I totally agree with most of the above messages about your husband. However, I still believe you need to figure out a way to deal with the given situation especially as kids are involved in this (don't be quick to conclude a divorce)!

People think living within a marriage is a commitment . But in fact divorce is an even bigger commitment which also requires both parents to accept undesired situations involving kids except that the kids, spouse and YOU are at a loss as the family has literally split up!

You need to confront with your husband that you have heard the audio and ask him what he wants. It's not right for him to play around the bush. You and kids don't deserve that.

I have known a guy who got married to a second wife after 10years of marriage with the first one.But the first wife didn't give up until she got her husband to divorce his second wife.

There are soo many ways to deal with one situation. You have got to just weigh up the pros and cons of the ones that will work for your marriage. All the best

[mushlett]

I could have written your post, I’ve stuck it out a lot longer and guess what? Nothing has changed at all. I really really understand how hard it is to leave but I highly recommend that you do. This is not a life xx