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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

Apparently i'm not entitled to a break from the kids, because i'm their mother and thats my job

150 replies

nutcracker · 12/02/2005 09:22

That is according to dp, who also seems to think that i can't get tired or to the point of wishing i'd never had any kids.

All because i don't go to work, so how difficult can my life possibly be.

OP posts:

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TracyK · 12/02/2005 09:24

and if he's the same as my dh - he is ALWAYS tired - but hardly ever gets up in the night, sleeps on in the weekends and has a snooze on the couch when he comes in from work.
and he wonders why I don't want sex with him!

Peckarollover · 12/02/2005 09:24

Not to same extremes but DP has VERY similiar ideas some of the time.

It is sh*T

Are you knackered honey?

nutcracker · 12/02/2005 09:29

Yep i am exhausted. Dd2's asthma is playing up so she has been coughing and being sick all night and the night before and Ds kept me up the night before too and last night.

Dp did get up a couple of times to them but he seems to think that him getting no sleep makes him much more tired than me getting no sleep.

I fell asleep on the sofa last night and he nudged me to wake me up, for no reason at all

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TracyK · 12/02/2005 09:30

what a b!

tribpot · 12/02/2005 09:30

Nutty - this theme came up on the June thread a little while ago. Phrases like "stay at home" and "don't go to work" do a MASSIVE disservice to mums (and dads) who work at caring for their family and their home. (My dh is going to be a "stay at home" dad so our situations will be different from most people but it gives me an interesting perspective).

At the moment I don't work, I "stay at home". But this is in the real sense - my baby isn't much trouble (being still located inside my tummy for the next 19 weeks or so!). Life is pretty relaxed - I'm guessing that "staying at home" with children probably isn't quite so chilled (I'm also guessing going out to work is probably a lot less emotionally exhausting, to be honest).

If your dp thinks your life is so easy, perhaps he could take the kids for a couple of days whilst you go away to visit friends or something? I reckon he would baulk if he had to have the kids on his own for more than a couple of hours, am I right? Perhaps this might be the opening for a discussion about the relative merits of the work you both do for your family? Belittling the contribution of the "stay at home" partner drives me mad

hercules · 12/02/2005 09:30

How can you put up with such attitudes? You're both equal parents! I'd bet anything you work a damn sight harder nutty. It would be a break for you to do something else.

TracyK · 12/02/2005 09:32

I think most other people are the same - I work mornings and as I leave to pick up ds at 12.30 and say 'I'm off to job No 2 now' all I get is 'yeah right' and lots of laffs!

hercules · 12/02/2005 09:34

I hope not Tracy! Certainly not here anyway. Dh works nights full time, looks after kids during the day for three days and has just done the whole house this morning.

nutcracker · 12/02/2005 09:34

He couldn't cope with the kids for a whole day, he hasn't got the patience.

There is no way he would agree to me going away for a couple of days, even an afternoon on me own causes a row.

I cannot remember the last time i didn't have at least one of the kids with me.

Anything i say to him is met with "but you don't have to go out to work do you"

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nutcracker · 12/02/2005 09:35

Blimey hercules, do you loan him out

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nutcracker · 12/02/2005 09:36

How could i forget, him doing the washing up after tea and picking up the occasional toy off the floor, to him menas he does ALL the housework.

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misdee · 12/02/2005 09:36

smack him one!!

hercules · 12/02/2005 09:36

No. He's not special and doesnt get congratulated. He does no more than I'd expect. He also cooks as I cant.

hercules · 12/02/2005 09:38

Nutty - trust me, what you do is far more stressful than what he does. You do need a break and regularily. It's not good enough that he wont take the kids for a period of time.
I have no advice though I'm afraid.

nutcracker · 12/02/2005 09:38

I would of if i'd had the energy Misdee

He has had to go to work this morning so he will play on that all day now.

He regulalry tells me that i should go and get a full time job and see how easy i think it is then. Don't know what he thinks i'd do with the kids.

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Yorkiegirl · 12/02/2005 09:40

Message withdrawn

NotQuiteCockney · 12/02/2005 09:45

Gah. I've had a full-time job, I worked in the City for years. Being home with two kids is much harder. And DS1 goes to school part-time, and I don't do that much around the house, mostly just cooking.

Thankfully, DH knows this. He doesn't take them both for very long periods yet, as DS2 is only 4.5m and hence somewhat boob-attached, but he will.

He had to go back into work last night at 9, came home at midnight. But in our house, that's martyr points for me (for getting myself into bed with DS2 on my own), not for him!

(I do try to give him time off on the weekends, though ... as he does for me.)

SPARKLER1 · 12/02/2005 09:45

nutcracker - for you. That's very unfair. I don't work either but I always need to have a break. It's hard work being home with the kids all day.

SPARKLER1 · 12/02/2005 09:47

Nutracker if I was you - I'd get up and dressed before the kids wake up and go out for the day. Leave him to deal with everything. He'll soon change his mind.

nutcracker · 12/02/2005 09:49

We have talked about it loads before, but basically he thinks i have an easy life and that i have no idea what his life is like, eve though he has admitted that his job is pretty easy and he sits on his ass most of the day.

I've got quite good at ignoring what he says anyway, think it's just cos i was sooooo exhausted it got to me. I can't believe how he couldn't see that i was so tired, i mean i didn't come on MN last night, what bigger clue could i have given him

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nutcracker · 12/02/2005 09:50

LOL sparkler, that would be good.

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SPARKLER1 · 12/02/2005 09:51

Go on - I dare you. Go out and have a bit of pampering and retail therapy. Go on - you deserve it and it will serve him right.

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rickman · 12/02/2005 09:51

Message withdrawn

rickman · 12/02/2005 09:53

Message withdrawn

nutcracker · 12/02/2005 09:59

No don't worry Rickman, you are right. Our relationship is in a state at the mo and i can't remember a time when it wasn't.

I am trying to sort out what I want to do but am findinbg it sooo hard as i just end up feeling selfish whatever i decide.

We are all goiung away for the weekend at the end of feb and i am hopiung this will clarify things for me one way or another.

You wern't over the top, and you are right, it is the little things that cause the most problems.

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