Husband has a crush on our close friend

[Spottybluepyjamas]

Hello all, my husband and I are good friends with a woman in our close circle of friends and he admitted last night when we were joking around about something else that he had a crush on her. He said he loves me, has no intention of acting on it and doesn't want to act on it. I don't doubt that he loves me but I'm pretty upset. The woman has no idea,

Am I overreacting by being upset? He isn't saying that I am at all, but I'm really taken aback by this and don't really know how to feel. It's really surprised me because it's happened when we've been at our strongest, and we're a happy couple anyway. He says that he's at his happiest at the moment as well.

He says that everyone gets crushes at some point and he can't help how he feels, and the most important thing is that he would never act on it or do anything to jeopardise our relationship, but I feel like I'm always going to be looking over my shoulder from now on. Can anyone offer any advice?

[Opentooffers]

He may be right in what he says, however, some things in life are best unsaid and he was stupid to do so. You see, if he really knows he's not going to act on it, the only purpose it serves to tell you is to upset you, as it has.
Now why would he want to ruin the happiest time in your lives? Stupid, or not entirely trusting himself?

[JackieQueen]

Oh how hurtful! He didn't need to tell you! I'm so sorry, I wonder how he would feel if you said something like that!

[SurelyNott]

I think it’s unrealistic to expect married people to suddenly become blind. If you fancy someone you fancy them, it’s the actions and intent that matters.

He was utterly moronic to tell you though.

[Sometimesfraught82]

For having a crush?
No

For tell you?
Thoughtless twat

[Umberellatheweatha]

Has he form for alienating you from other friends ir family? Just wondered, because this could be a tactic to stop you seeing this one. It's also common for nasty sorts to do things to pull the rig out from under you when you feel happiest.

Otherwise, this may just have been him being very tactless. Very, very tactless. But..it feels like something someone would only say if they had an agenda... (he has never angled for a threesome has he?) I mean I dont think anyone is that stupid to admit a crush on a mutual friend to their wife...

[SurelyNott]

What was the context / convo he told you in?

[Aquamarine1029]

I would be more upset that he's actually stupid enough to have told you this. Is he really this daft, or is he being cruel on purpose? What the fuck is he playing at?

[randomkey123]

He's not happy if he's sniffing elsewhere.

And don't kid yourself he is.

When someone shows you who they really are, believe them.

[StayCalm99]

Id get turned off by his crush. Having crushes that he anounces to you is hardly taking good care of yr relationship

[Spottybluepyjamas]

Thanks everyone for your comments - it's much appreciated. He told me because I was talking about her and he went bright red, so I was questioning him about why. It's so obvious when he's holding something back and it always has been so I pushed him to say why he was acting strangely. It's definitely not a tactic to stop me seeing friends, but thank you for your consideration.

Maybe I am overreacting then, he clearly didn't want to tell me and you're right that married people don't suddenly stop noticing others. It's just hard because we're all so close and now I'm going down the 'what does she have that I don't' path, but perhaps I need to take a step back and see it objectively.

[Aquamarine1029]

Your husband is an idiot, and I say that objectively.

[Umberellatheweatha]

Bright red because you mentioned someone he has a crush on...hmm...I'd be worried there was more too it than that. I mean fair enough if he was a 13 year old girl and he was talking TO her. But as is... I'd be keeping a close eye in future op.

[SurelyNott]

I wouldn’t listen to doom mongers on here, as you say you can tell when he’s withholding and you did push.

I fancied people when I was married for 20 years, didn’t mean I loved my husband less! He eventually cheated but I would have had no idea, they tend to be a bit canny.

It also doesn’t say you are lacking anything AT ALL, he doesn’t prefer her, nature would dictate that physical attraction occurs, I’m not sure we are meant to be monogamous but love, morals and higher emotions make us so.

Might be better now it’s out as it could fade?

[LoudestCat14]

What an idiot he is for telling you! It's not a bad thing to have a crush on someone when you're already in a relationship, but you don't tell your spouse or partner and put the idea in their head that you're fantasising about your crush when you're with them. I also feel sorry for your friend – I imagine she'd be mortified that he's said this to you.

[Crikeyalmighty]

OP, I can bet that your friend has nothing you haven’t , she’s just someone nice who simply ‘isn’t you’ and I think many men and women do get these crushes when they are perfectly happy in their relationships just to get some mental variety in their head in longer term relationships. I say this as someone whose husband 15 years ago had a huge crush on a young woman who worked with us for a bit and was stupid enough to write many songs and poems about this person and his feelings- which I found by chance many years later (4 years ago) stuffed in a drawer — their was also a lot of texting at the time too. (Innocent enough stuff as I saw some of it- but now I know how he felt , it took on a new mental meaning for me ) It totally devastated me to be honest— I stayed, it’s a long marriage and we do get on well —but in all honesty I have never felt quite the same about things on a romantic/sexual level . Your partner is guilty of being an idiot — because this will play on your mind— I would let it go for now, but hopefully he will learn that sometimes honesty is not the best policy in relationships.

[Mabelone]

Stupid to tell you. Things like that are best kept to yourself. My ExH fancied our neighbour. I could just tell. He never admitted it though.

[Gilda152]

I'm going to go against the grain and say that it speaks very well of your DH that when you asked him what he was thinking when he went red, he fessed up, that shows a degree of intimacy and trust between you both that many many couples strive for and never reach.

So many people would rather lie through their teeth forever than be transparent and honest with their partner. Of course it's not going to feel great to you to know this information but at the same time, if you are secure with your relationship, this will not damage the bond you have and may even enhance it.

[RogueV]

He went bright red? Are you sure there’s nothing more going on?

[SheldonesqueTheBstard]

I don’t think he is necessarily a wrong ‘un but he was an absolute plug for telling you.

I’d be keeping a beady out but no more.

My ex took a massive crush on a work colleague. He turned into a gibbering mess in her presence. She was this magnificent Amazonian goddess. She was well aware of how she affected some of the guys but was kindly about it.

He grew out of that one.

It is better than lying to you though. Fingers crossed that it is no more than a crush.

[Onthedunes]

Being cruel to pull you down a peg or two.

Being cruel because he wants to control your moods.

Why the sudden redness if he's known her a while, her being in your close circle of friends ? Weird.

If your relationship rules are that you don't openly admit fancying others, then he is being nasty for some reason.

What's the reason ?

[Dervel]

I don’t think it was his fault, you pressed him on it, he answered. It’s actually pretty good news his first instinct is to want to be honest with you. I’m sure he’s hugely embarrassed and beating himself up over it now. Be kind OP.

[Gilda152]

@Onthedunes I would say sudden redness happens naturally when you've got a crush on someone, that's the point isn't it, it's not logical or something you can control - your reflex actions just kick in

[Onthedunes]

@Gilda152

I'm surprised she's not noticed it before if they've known each other ages.

Of course I understand redness comes from the sympathetic nervous system, what I am saying is why this blushing response has not occured before.

[Peppermint1288]

Sorry but that's awful.
Can't help thinking that others are attractive, that's part of life, but saying he "likes" her? wtf?
He's got you and loves you, why's he thinking about her?
Really surprised at some of the replies on this thread.
I'm sure my boyfriend thinks some other women are beautiful and nice people etc. but if I knew he were thinking of them in an emotional way I'd be devastated.
You don't have to put up with this at all.
Tell him you've got a 'crush' on a mutual male friend and see how he likes it.

[Pewpew]

I wouldnt want them being around each other.