Not wanting children, husband does 2.0

[Daisy790]

Earlier this year I posted about my husband being really keen to have children whilst I had never really wanted any.

We talked a lot and in the end he said he chose me over children, I wasn't wholly convinced but I decided to take him at his word.

Well, the subject has reared its ugly head again and he has realised it is not as easy as just saying he chooses me. I understand this, and I don't want him to miss out or be unhappy in life.

The trouble is we are now at the point of breaking up unless I change my mind. He isn't pressuring me and understands my feelings, but he also doesn't want to wait around another 6 months+ for me to realise I definitely won't have a child.

There have certainly been points in our marriage where I would have more easily made the choice to split, but we've grown closer over the past few months and the thought of splitting up is very upsetting.

We haven't even been married 2 years yet, and it has been a pretty bumpy ride but it does feel like we are finally improving on how we communicate. It feels hard to imagine my future without him now.

I'm now trying to give honest thought to the idea of having a child. I have pretty much always been certain I don't want children, for many many reasons. The idea of pregnancy and birth scare me beyond what is normal I think. I also grew up from a young age acting as a carer to my mum. I stopped feeling like a child very early on, and missed out on the feeling of being cared for. I've never been sure I have it in me to be a 'parent' again.

I can see that some aspects might be enjoyable but it's still hard to feel like I want a child in my life. I like peace and quiet and my own time, and I don't like feeling trapped. I feel like children don't necessarily compliment this?

I don't want to lose him, but I can't figure out if us splitting up is the lesser of two evils.
I think I'm upset because I feel like I've fought through so much to get to this happier place with him, and now it will be for nothing if I don't have a child. I'm worried ill regret losing him, but also I really don't want to regret having a child. My friends tell me I probably wouldn't regret it, but that's easy to say from people who always wanted children!

I'd love any advice from people who have made a compromise or split up over this issue? Did you have regrets or was it a good decision?

I'm generally a rational, sensible person but my brain honestly feels scrambled about this now.

[Sakurami]

There are people who regret having children but they all say they love their kids.

It is a gamble either way. Would you be open to letting your husband have full custody of your child if you do decide that parenting isn't for you?

[Frogcorset]

Honestly, OP, you would be crazy to have a child you don't want to keep a man, even one you love. Far easier to regret a loving relationship that didn't work out longterm because of different ideas about something key than to regret the major life changes caused by having a child for someone else. It's deeply unfair on the child, quite apart from anything else. Who wants to be the unwanted child conceived so your mother could keep your father?

[murbblurb]

Don't have an unwanted child - you are looking at years of hard work so need to be up for it. Really sorry, but there is no compromise on this.

Kids can break marriages even if both parents wanted them. You'd probably split up anyway.

[Richter235]

I so feel for you, but you guys want different things. Let one another go.

[CoffeeBeansGalore]

Why is your husband so desperate for a child? Does he realise how hard it can be, especially with your first? Sleepless nights, colic, teething, explosive nappies. Cost?
Is he the one willing to stay home & take a career hit? Give up some leisure time with his mates, cut back on hobbies?
He is not the one who will have to physically deal with carrying & giving birth to a child. Women can be left with a lot of issues that are considered normal after having a baby. Prolapse, bladder & bowel issues, torn muscles, scarring from stitches, c section issues. Even with a good, well healed birth, your body is never the same again and issues can arise as you age.
Will he be a full hands on dad? Or leave it all to you?
You need a full practical discussion, not just "I want a baby".
It is not as simple as "I want a baby".
Don't get me wrong, I have children. I love them dearly. I waited until I was ready. BUT it wouldn't have been the end of the world not to have them.
You have to be sure, not just him.

[Notaroadrunner]

Let him go. You shouldn't have a child just to please him. The mother is the one who does the bulk of the work from carrying baby, all the feeding if breastfeeding, stays home on maternity leave, generally does a lot of the caring during the early months. You need to be committed to that and to being responsible for that child for many years. Who is to say you won't regret having the child, hold resentment towards your Dh and split up anyway? Given you have never had the desire to have a baby I think you should split and allow your Dh time to find someone who will make him happy and have a family with him. You can find someone who doesn't want children and have the life you dream of. It will be a completely heartbreaking time but forcing yourself to have a baby you don't want is not the answer.

[AnneLovesGilbert]

My friends tell me I probably wouldn't regret it, but that's easy to say from people who always wanted children!

You don’t have to spend long on here to realise that a lot of people who did want children end up regretting it.

It was probably a mistake to get married when you both knew you wanted different things and have already had a several issues.

You don’t want a child. A child deserves to have two parent who are both enthusiastic about them existing. Sure they do okay without that but to knowingly have a child you don’t really want for someone else is a really bad place to start from.

He’s not wrong, you’re not wrong, but you haven’t overcome the main issue between you, whatever else you may have overcome, so admit defeat, get divorced, and hood cult you’ll both find other people who can give you what you want.

[2ndtimemum2]

Op his to give you the back story to my situation. I had a teenage pregnancy which I kept and absolutely adored my son no regret about my decision for the pregnancy to continue but decided I would never have any more.

When son was 10 I met someone who was indifferent about having kids. 5 years in we had an accidental pregnancy which completely rocked our worlds I was leaning towards abortion but he begged me to keep it and I did because I honestly loved him and saw us together forever, but it went pear shaped we broke up during the pregnancy and I am now a single mother AGAIN which was always my worst nightmare.

I love my child op but here's the thing I followed through with the pregnancy based on the love I had with someone and now that no longer exists. Parenting is hard but its even harder when you know you weren't fully sure it was what you wanted.

What you have to ask yourself is are you sure you would still be happy to be a parent If he and you split? This is why you have to mak this decision based on what you want and not what someone else wants because ultimately you face the consequences if a wrong decision.

[NeilBuchananisBanksy]

Let him go.

I love my DH to bits but if he wanted a child I'd let him go, no matter how heartbreaking it was.

He said he was ok with it, he's clearly not though. He's making the mistake of sticking around to see if you change your mind which is unfair on you.

The burden of pregnancy and patenting etc will be on you. It's easier for blokes.

It's sad but it's one thing you there are no compromises on.

[SprayedWithDettol]

I wouldn’t recommend a getting a cat as things stand for you both OP, let alone a child. You are the one who has to deal with pregnancy and childbirth which, even if things are textbook, will have an impact on your body. You will be taking all of the risk.

Don’t do this to keep a marriage, which is short and bumpy as you say yourself, it won’t go well.

It must be a very difficult situation to navigate, but if you don’t want a child, don’t. It is a lifetime commitment.

[Lorw]

Neither of you are wrong just incompatible. Let him go OP, no kids is a dealbreaker for him and having kids is a dealbreaker for you.

He will find someone to have a family with and you will find someone who doesn’t want children, and you will both be as happy or even happier than you are now. It always seems like the end of the world but it never is, plenty of fish in the sea as they say.

[TheLeadbetterLife]

I am exactly the same as you OP - never wanted children, had a difficult childhood that led me to grow up too fast, am very afraid of pregnancy. I’ve also never, ever felt even slightly broody.

My ex and I split up because he wanted children. It was hard, but we’ve both gone on to be happily married to the right partners. He has two children now (and is permanently exhausted by the way). We’re all very close friends.

My husband and I have a lovely life with lots of chickens and probably one too many cats.

There are no upsides to having children if you don’t want them. It’s stressful, expensive and terrible for the environment. Most importantly, an unwanted child is a terribly sad thing.

I’m not going to pretend it’ll be easy if you decide to break up with your husband, but there is life on the other side.

[Daisy790]

He is really hands on with his nieces and nephews, and generally really good with children. He just seems to get a lot from being with children, he also comes from a big family. He has said he feels his life will lack meaning and purpose without a child. I don't share that same feeling, I already feel fulfilled in life.

He has said he would happily be a stay at home dad, but is happy with whatever would suit me best. I do trust that he would be very hands on, probably far more than me.
I feel like I wouldn't want to miss out on everything by staying at work full time. But I wouldn't want to not work either. I like earning my own money and feeling independent.
I think there's a part of me that's scared that once we had a child, he might not give me a second thought. I'm not sure that's a rational feeling, I just don't want to feel like a rent a womb, and then discarded when I've served my purpose.

We did talk about adoption which he is very open to as well. But I think he would like the experience of going through the pregnancy together. Unfortunately as you say, that basically all falls to me.

It is such a hard decision and I certainly wouldn't rush into anything. I would never want a child to feel like they weren't 100% wanted. It's funny because I've always been a very caring person and I like looking after people. But there's a big difference between looking after people you're not inherently responsible for, and a child that is entirely reliant on you.

[kneesbentarmsstretchedrararaaa]

I wanted my daughter very, very much, I love her more than anyone in the world now she's here, and yet I still find it hard and have moments of regret. Don't take a leap of faith. You can find another relationship. You can never stop being a mother.

[ArcticPencil]

New name for this.

Do not have children if you don't really want them. I had my DD when I was 30 because it was the 'done thing' and because people were always saying things like 'you'll never know true joy or real love till you have children' or that they feel 'sorry' for women who don't have them.

When DD arrived, I became a SAHM as we believed that that was what was best for her, but for me it was the most mind-numbing, soul-destroying experience. I volunteered, had a lovely group of fellow SAHM friends who would chat with me during our kids' play dates, and read more books at coffee shops than ever before. I hated every moment of it though, and had so much resentment for my DH when he got his huge promotion as that should've been me, and I'm ashamed to admit this but for my DD as she was a constant reminder of everything I had to give up. I was no longer 'me' in a sense — I was just another mother.

DD is now 9, and I'm back at work (though I don't think I'll make it as far as I could have as I had wasted so many prime years at home) and much happier. I love her to pieces but that's 8 years of my life I will never get back.

[PegPeople]

In this situation there isn't a solution unfortunately. It's totally fine for him to wnt children and it's totally fine for you not to want them, both are valid equal choices.

The most sensible thing to do is to split up sooner rather than later so you can both pursue a life that will make you happy rather than remaining in a relationship that is at an impassable stalemate.

[2me2u2u2me]

@2ndtimemum2

Op his to give you the back story to my situation. I had a teenage pregnancy which I kept and absolutely adored my son no regret about my decision for the pregnancy to continue but decided I would never have any more.

When son was 10 I met someone who was indifferent about having kids. 5 years in we had an accidental pregnancy which completely rocked our worlds I was leaning towards abortion but he begged me to keep it and I did because I honestly loved him and saw us together forever, but it went pear shaped we broke up during the pregnancy and I am now a single mother AGAIN which was always my worst nightmare.

I love my child op but here's the thing I followed through with the pregnancy based on the love I had with someone and now that no longer exists. Parenting is hard but its even harder when you know you weren't fully sure it was what you wanted.

What you have to ask yourself is are you sure you would still be happy to be a parent If he and you split? This is why you have to mak this decision based on what you want and not what someone else wants because ultimately you face the consequences if a wrong decision.

brought tears to my eyes that, brilliantly put

[NeilBuchananisBanksy]

Op can I suggest counselling for yourself. You need support here. You last post is basically trying to bend your will towards him.

Also your line about considering adoption- well it's also bloody easy to say that he wants to experience pregnancy etc when he's the one that wouldn't be doing it.

You'd lose a lot having a child you don't 100% want. You would also be likely to resent him if you did go ahead. It's lose lose either way.

Sad as it is, I think your relationship is over.

[Cabana21]

I do think it’s different if it’s the woman who is not keen as you have to go through the pregnancy and birth and most of the time it is the woman who takes on more of the childcare. If you absolutely do not want to be a mother then don’t do it. However i have come across many people who have said they never wanted kids/ more kids but went on to have one. And although everyone has said the same things such as hard work etc etc I have never come across anyone who said they would change it. I think if you don’t want to go down this path then eventually your husband will leave you. Not because he doesn’t love you but because he clearly wants a child and he should get to experience that with someone. You are not wrong not wanting to go through it but I don’t think you are being fair by not giving a firm answer after all this time. How would you feel if you split up and see him in a few years time with a new partner and a baby with them all looking happy and content? Would you be happy for him? Or would you be full of regret you could of had that with him? If deep down you know you do not want to be a mother then tell him that and let him go.

[AmandaHugenkiss]

OP I split up with a man who wanted children when I didn’t. He was so keen and I loved him so much, that it really influenced me at the time. I almost came round to the idea, and had talked myself in to it almost when we split for other reasons.

I’m so glad we split and I’m so glad I didn’t have a child. I’m now with someone else who also doesn’t want children, and my relationship now is 100% better than with my ex. I’m so happy with my decisions. We both love our life and little family without children, and it makes me feel a bit frightened to think I could have ended up being talked in to a child I would have regretted and resented. Now I’m older, I am more certain than ever I don’t want children.

I also have friends who split over the children issue. They were very much in love but couldn’t agree. He now has a wonderful child free relationship, and she is married with a baby and couldn’t be happier.

Don’t fall for the sunken cost fallacy. I was 36 when I met my now DP and they’ve been the best years of my life. Happiness is out there with someone who shares what you want from life.

[minipie]

I like peace and quiet and my own time, and I don't like feeling trapped. I feel like children don't necessarily compliment this?

You’re right. Children are not compatible with peace and quiet and your own time. It is immensely hard work and for most people (save perhaps those with easy children and lots of help) it completely changes every aspect of their lives. Even if your DH was a SAHD and took the primary parent role it will still change your life - night wakings, weekends spent doing child friendly activities, family friendly holidays, all the worry when they are ill or unhappy, much less spare money, etc.

Please, please don’t have a child just to keep your DH happy. Your views are totally sensible and reasonable and while some people may tell you “you’ll never regret DC”, people DO regret it. It’s just taboo to say it.

[Umberellatheweatha]

Pft 'I think he'd want the experience of going through pregnancy together'. Umm well when they invent a way for men to get pregnant, give him a heads up. Lol, together my ass.

Honestly op I feel for you as this is genuinely my worst nightmare. I'd like to think that in the same position I would have the courage to end things and walk away because I know my mind about having kids and no man gets to choose an alternative path for me. And because I finally truly love myself so I don't need to live anyone else's life but my own, even if I care about them, if they don't want what I know is right for me.

That aside, people may give you snash about mentioning adoption because it's a hard thing to do but I think if you are ok with that idea (just not the idea of pregnancy or babies ect) then it might be an option. But only if you want to do it. Maybe you could look into fostering? My aunt fosters teens and it's really rewarding. She gets to have big family christmases with lots of the now adults that she fostered over the years and their kids. Basically, there are other ways to create family.

I've alwats known I never wanted kids but absolutely would not rule out things like fostering older ones one day, if that became an option. Though I cant say it's for me, my feelings about it are a bit more neutral.

But if you feel 'no bloody way do I want to do that's about any or all areas related to kids, please, love and respect yourself enough to stand by yourself and your decision. It is valid.

[Lozzerbmc]

You shouldnt have a child if you dont want one. If you like your own time and space that doesnt work with having a child. They are all consuming 24-7, (but the joy is immense!)

You need to let him go as you are not compatible ultimately as you want different lives.

[Viviennemary]

I think you should split up. He wants a family life with children. You don't. Even if you stay together for now the chances are he will meet somebody who wants the same as he does. You are entitled not to want children. But its impossible if the other person does.,

[TheVanguardSix]

I think you'd be having a child for a very wrong reason.
It sounds like your relationship/marriage isn't strong enough anyway- whether it's the baby issue or not, it's not strong. You're not in a strong place. In other words, you're not 'better together'.
Cut each other loose, OP. Have a baby for the right reasons if you ever do decide to have children.
All sorts of alarms are ringing here. Having a family is HUGE... it is an enormous commitment. You're either ALL in or all out. You can't do 'let's have a baby' with half a heart. People do it all the time, at their own peril. Who's to say your husband will really want to be a happy SAHD when reality strikes? Who's to say he'll be brilliant and hands-on?
I married a man who was AMAZING with his nieces and nephews. He was a natural teacher around kids... a proper pied piper. Watching him with them, hearing him carry on about how he wanted a big family with me, was music to my fired-up ovaries.
Well, he was a terrible father. He was disengaged from the moment I began to show and he left, never to raise his son, when DS was 6 months old- and he couldn't leave fast enough.
I'm not saying that this is your destiny, but it's plausible that you could have the baby- to keep your marriage stable- and all sorts of shit could hit the fan. I really think you're skating on thin ice here if you believe that having a baby to appease your husband is the solution here. It really isn't. I say that with total conviction.