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Fed up of not being listened to

(121 Posts)
Tizanz Mon 22-Feb-21 21:01:41

Hello All, very new here but I don't really have anyone else to turn to for advice.

My boyfriend and I have been together for 7 years with a couple of split ups along the way.

I know when I go through it in my own head I'm answering my own questions but then he makes me feel like I'm going mad when I voice them and even tells me so.

This might sound pathetic but I need more from him, more romance, more attention in bed, more interest in my life. I feel as though I pay a lot of interest in all of his hobbies, interests and day to day life and I feel I don't get it in return.

We live together and I do most of the cooking, before valentines he asked me what I wanted. I said nothing, but one thing I would really love is if you would cook something for me, he doesn't love being in the kitchen like me but he can cook when he trys. He just couldn't do it, on the day he said he felt ill he said he would do it the next day but didn't and promised to do it the next day and still didn't, I even said I would send him some recipes or something. Later in the week I got home from work a little late for lunch and he had arrived early and he had just cooked for himself. I break my balls near everyday to make sure there is a hot lunch on the table for him when he gets back from work. So after valentines this upset me even further.

I just feel like he doesn't care about my wants and needs and when I voice them he calls me complicated, dramatic, needy and tonight that I'm fucked in the head.

I'm about to embarke on a huge project investing in land and creating a retreat and he has refused to be involved, saying he doesn't have time.

Feels like everything I do wether it be family matters, movies, music, TV shows, books he just shows 0 interest.

Again when I do bring things up he stonewalls me for a couple of days first, I start by talking, getting upset that he doesn't understand and then angry. 😒😑😤😐

OP’s posts: |
MiniCooperLover Mon 22-Feb-21 21:08:00

Why are you genuinely still together ??

litterbird Mon 22-Feb-21 21:15:23

.....and your with him because?

Wanderlusto Mon 22-Feb-21 21:32:22

It feels like he doesn't care - because he doesn't care.

He is also gaslighting you (when you voice your needs he tells you are needy/dramatic). Making out you have no right to ask anything of him and must have issues, so that you focus on yourself ('am I overdramatuc/needy?')instead of him.

The silent treatment is punishment for asking for your needs to be met too.

It's actually abuse op.

Wanderlusto Mon 22-Feb-21 21:36:35

Oh and- he understands.

Get off the merry go round of telling him why you are upset/angry. It's a trap.

He understand. He just doesnt want you to realise that he understands.

You should never have to explain to someone why their obviously hurtful behaviour is hurtful. If you find yourself foing this - you are being abused.

Tizanz Mon 22-Feb-21 21:40:02

MiniCooperLover

Why are you genuinely still together ??

Genuinely I find it hard to answer this question, familiarity maybe. We have a good day to day life together but as soon as I rock the boat ever so sightly and complain about something I want him to do for me he spins it and that I'm materialistic and what he currently does is never enough.

I always end up backing down and saying sorry. I've asked him a few times if he would want to marry me but he doesn't believe in marriage that it just complicates things and why can't we just be happy to just LIVE and let live. It's one of my biggest dreams to be married to my one love and dedicate myself to him, to give myself to him as a gift.
He said I live in fairytale land and if I continue like this I will loose him.

OP’s posts: |
Aquamarine1029 Mon 22-Feb-21 21:43:35

You've already invested 7 years and look where that's gotten you. Don't waste another minute, because he will never give you what you need.

Tizanz Mon 22-Feb-21 21:44:57

Wanderlusto

Oh and- he understands.

Get off the merry go round of telling him why you are upset/angry. It's a trap.

He understand. He just doesnt want you to realise that he understands.

You should never have to explain to someone why their obviously hurtful behaviour is hurtful. If you find yourself foing this - you are being abused.

Thank you, you speak sense I actually feel like I'm being mentally abused that my feelings are not valid even when I utter the words "I feel..." I can see his face like those words burn him.

He is a very very simple and lonely man, goes to work, comes home has lunch, goes to do his sports, comes home works on his video editing hobby and goes to bed. He doesn't want want want and is very content with his life and he has no clue or idea why I need or want more

OP’s posts: |
Wanderlusto Mon 22-Feb-21 21:48:09

Oh gosh op, sorry but that made me cringe a bit. You are not an object,you are a human being. But if we were to describe it as gift giving, then they have to equally give themself to you. And they have to be worthy of you.

Is it possible you are suffering from codependency issues and think that you cannot be happy on your own. And that's why you are settling for this dick?

Either way, you'll never get a happy ending with this man. And you deserve to be happy.

Wanderlusto Mon 22-Feb-21 21:53:41

He only cares about his own needs. That's what it boils down to.

His sort see other ppl as inanimate objects. Their merds ate therefore irrelevant. If you display any, its like his computer is malfunctioning- annoying to him.

Someone like this is not partner material.

Wanderlusto Mon 22-Feb-21 21:54:05

*needs are therefore

Tizanz Mon 22-Feb-21 21:58:16

Wanderlusto

Oh gosh op, sorry but that made me cringe a bit. You are not an object,you are a human being. But if we were to describe it as gift giving, then they have to equally give themself to you. And they have to be worthy of you.

Is it possible you are suffering from codependency issues and think that you cannot be happy on your own. And that's why you are settling for this dick?

Either way, you'll never get a happy ending with this man. And you deserve to be happy.

Sorry LOL I didn't mean to make you cringe. I suppose I just mean myself, my being and everything I love and stand for is a gift to you and him in return.

Maybe I don't know how to be alone, I've always jumped from one relationship to the next and now I'm close to 40 the thought of being alone fills me with dread. Everything I have/own I've got it for myself.

This is just the surface, recent things we are going through now.

For example I'm helping a homeless man at the moment and I take him hot meals and clothes, I know this is my choice but my boyfriend doesn't care he doesn't ask anything or if he could do something to help or if he should come with me.

I cang help but thinking I'm asking TOO much all the time. He says what do you want a clone boyfriend!!

OP’s posts: |
Myheadmyheart Mon 22-Feb-21 21:58:55

Why didn’t you pick someone who shows an interest in you?

category12 Mon 22-Feb-21 21:59:49

What would the point be of being married to someone who doesn't make you feel good about yourself? More commitment wouldn't fix what's wrong with this.

Stop pouring effort into a relationship that doesn't fulfil your emotional needs.

Tizanz Mon 22-Feb-21 22:02:20

Myheadmyheart

Why didn’t you pick someone who shows an interest in you?

I have a habit of meeting what I think are interesting "different to me" and I throw my life fully into theirs.

He says he does have an interest, today I asked him to give me some examples but wouldn't, I took that as he couldn't. He told me after 7 years I should know by now what of my things he is interested in and I should not have to ask him.

OP’s posts: |
Beforethetakingoftoastandt3a Mon 22-Feb-21 22:05:56

You're being abused. He needs to go. He isnt interested in helping you because he doesn't want you to succeed.

The man couldnt even be arsed to cook you a meal.

Stop wasting your life and raise your standRds.

Tizanz Mon 22-Feb-21 22:07:14

category12

What would the point be of being married to someone who doesn't make you feel good about yourself? More commitment wouldn't fix what's wrong with this.

Stop pouring effort into a relationship that doesn't fulfil your emotional needs.

I wouldn't marry him even if he asked tomorrow, I suppose it was my way of pointing out to him recently that we're in different worlds, that we want different things.

He tells me he would marry me if I stopped being such a roller coaster.

Honestly feel like I'm going mad, is it me, is it him. Loosing sleep and its affecting my job.

OP’s posts: |
category12 Mon 22-Feb-21 22:09:05

I have a habit of meeting what I think are interesting "different to me" and I throw my life fully into theirs.

This is no way to live or run a relationship. You should look into what's at the root of this behaviour.

Jellykat Mon 22-Feb-21 22:09:30

Sorry OP, but sounds like hes treating you like you're his mum, not his partner!

Wanderlusto Mon 22-Feb-21 22:14:38

That's lovely that you are helping that homeless guy and awesome about the retreat. But I do think you should do some reading on codependency. It seems like you lose yourself in other people. Your purpose is not just to meet the needs of a man or others. You are an individual and have your own needs. And those needs are entitled to be voiced and met.

And if bekngwoth someone is driving you nuts. Then choose YOU. Choose your sanity. And walk away.

Relationships should make us happier and stronger. Not drain us.

Beforethetakingoftoastandt3a Mon 22-Feb-21 22:17:17

You could really do with some counselling on boundaries.

Tizanz Mon 22-Feb-21 22:20:22

Wanderlusto

That's lovely that you are helping that homeless guy and awesome about the retreat. But I do think you should do some reading on codependency. It seems like you lose yourself in other people. Your purpose is not just to meet the needs of a man or others. You are an individual and have your own needs. And those needs are entitled to be voiced and met.

And if bekngwoth someone is driving you nuts. Then choose YOU. Choose your sanity. And walk away.

Relationships should make us happier and stronger. Not drain us.

Thank you, I will have a read. I don't have to many people to talk to about this as all my family are tired of hearing about this.

Like I said we have split up a few times and for me the last time was the last as my family visited us for a weekend and he couldn't be arsed to be part of anything we did. We split for 6 months but he came back again telling me he was so sorry and he recognises his faults and things will change. The only thing I promised to change was getting so angry to a point where I would loose my shit, I've kept my promise, He didn't

OP’s posts: |
Craftycorvid Mon 22-Feb-21 22:26:54

Stop talking, start walking!

Get some good therapy to sort out the impact of the past on the present.

40 is young, OP. Don’t be still hanging around hoping for change in 20 years’ time.

Good luck. You’re worth more than this.

Leafpile Mon 22-Feb-21 22:28:00

It sounds like this relationship has run its course. He's happy and content with the way things are so he will resist any of your efforts to change things.

Tizanz Mon 22-Feb-21 22:41:08

He tells me over and over, why change anything. We are happy and that's when I'm like but but but I want, I need, I feel and he ends up making me feel pathetic. He says he's a good man, doesn't drink or smoke, goes to work, lives a quiet life and I should be happy to have him that I could ge with someone much worse.

I just want some romance and attention and I get next to nothing, even now writing this I feel like a pathetic little girl.

OP’s posts: |

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