How do I make his life less comfortable?

[Kornflake]

I feel like a live in housemaid and babysitter. DH and I are going through separation but we are stuck living together for a while longer.
We decided we didn't want an atmosphere around the children and so we are still washing each others clothes and eating together as a family at the moment.
We live in his hometown so he has plenty of friends to socialise with in the evenings. I don't.
I have started a hobby once a week which takes me out of the house but that's it.
DH seems perfectly happy. I do most of the washing and cook 80% of the meals, he gets to socialise in the evenings with friends, do as he wishes every other weekend, gets his clothes washed. He likes things to look good to the outside world and we still go on family days out every other week (a few times over half term). So he's posted some lovely family pictures of us on social media. Unbeknowing friends all comment "oh how lovely."
In reality, he has mentally checked out of family life, become hostile and miserable with me at home, untidy, uncaring, insensitive, selfish, unloving and at times, nasty.
I'm finding everything hard and just need some space from him. For him, life is comfortable here.
How do I make him feel less comfortable? I have packed his things and asked him to leave more than once, but he always comes home a few hours later with nowhere to go.
I hate this. But I'm sure the reason he's still here is because it's comfortable for him to stay. I don't want too much upheaval or discomfort around the DCs, but I can't continue like this. I feel sick every day.
He is happier because he's not getting nagged and can go out as much as he pleases. I don't want to share my space with him anymore.

[BertieBloopsMum]

Well, as a bare minimum, stop doing his washing and feeding him.

[ravenmum]

Yes, I don't really understand how you're going to continue washing each others' clothes and keeping the atmosphere nice while at the same time making it not nice enough for him to want to leave.

When my exh was dawling about leaving, I stopped making it easy for him - instead of letting him sit watching TV in the evenings while I hid in another room, I came and sat down next to him and talked to him about his affair.

[TurkMama]

Stop going on family days together
Separate finances properly. If he is paying all bills still you could continue with chores if you are at home more but if your money is separate then so should the cooking and laundry. Do you sleep separately? You could try living by the custody arrangement you are going to have by getting out of the house or staying elsewhere when it's his days. You could let family know youve separated and change fb status. If he cares about appearances then thatll sting him.

[BiddyPop]

Stop communal washing. Wash your clothes, hopefully continue to share washing DCs but expect to wash those, but don't wash any more of his.

If he wants to continue to eat family meals, then he needs to cook at least half of them. And clean up after the other half.

And while you don't want an atmosphere for DCs, it's time to stop the family outings. You take them out to do things that you want to when it suits you. He takes them out when it suits him - but you both let each other know the plans so they don't clash.

And don't hide it from wider family and friends - they need to know. Even if you can't fully live separate lives for a while yet.

[BoggledBudgie]

As above

[Berthatydfil]

Stop doing his washing just do yours and the dc. If do most of the washing currently it will impact him far more than you. To be honest you should do yours plus 50% of dc washing and him the same rather than you 100% yours and 100% dc but that might seem pedantic.

Similarly with the cooking. He should cook for himself all the time and the dc half of the time.

Do you have the space at home to set up your own bed rooms ?

I appreciate you don’t want to upset your dc but if your medium term aim is for him to move out then surely by withdrawing now, stopping doing family things etc it’s going to be less of a shock. So stop the family activities and stop being the default babysitter for him to do his hobbies/social life. Find a way to divide up the time more fairly. If you don’t do family “insta perfect” stuff anymore there will be nothing to post on sm.

You should start exploring how you can both move on - do you own or rent? Can you afford to buy him out (if you own) and pay the mortgage or can you afford the rent yourself.?

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

Stop doing anything for him in terms of cooking and laundry. No more family outings. Do not also pack his bags. Living under the same roof like this for what is really the sake of the children is basically delaying separation. There is an atmosphere around the kids too because they can and do pick up on all the vibes, both spoken and unspoken, here.

Have you actually started divorce proceedings against him?.

[DrMorbius]

I'm perplexed that you would have to ask a bunch of random strangers how to make life difficult for your STBXH.
Learn the trombone.

[Mumbum2011]

Stop doing washing/ feeding. Come up with a rota for bedtime/ looking after kids on evenings and weekends so you both get equal free time. Get another hobby or just take yourself to a cafe etc (easier to do ore Covid) or go for a walk at bedtime then come back when it's done.

[Sideorderofchips]

I had this with my ex husband. Said he wanted to leave but never left. I kicked him out new years day. He spent the last 10 months sofa surfing and sleeping with my ex best mate. And has now had to find somewhere to move into which he is doing today

[Love51]

If you own the house presumably you will need to sell it? Get the house on the market.
There's no benefit to you or your children to be living in a hostile environment, so get to different homes asap.

[newnameforthis123]

I do most of the washing and cook 80% of the meals, he gets to socialise in the evenings with friends, do as he wishes every other weekend, gets his clothes washed.

Why?! Why on earth have you been doing all that for him?!

Separate laundry hampers, he can sort his out.

Cooking rota that is shared evenly between you both OR he cooks his own food.

It's madness to have been doing so much for someone who doesn't give a shit about your mental health and wellbeing or treat you with respect.

[jeaux90]

@DrMorbius learn the trombone

I would be having the conversation about how custody will be managed when you are not together in the same house and implement that now. So if the plan is 50/50 then he needs to do everything for the kids those days/weekend.

Stop doing his washing and make sure you do your own thing when it's his day etc

He sounds like an utter knob

[OfTheNight]

To be honest the family outings and meals will just be more confusing for the kids surely? Do they even know you’re separated?

I had difficulties with ex leaving so in the end I did. It want easy and I lost the house and nearly all the contents. He let me take the old hoover basically. I rented a small house and used all my savings at a charity shop to furnish it.

It was very hard but it was better than dragging it all out. I feel it had less impact on my son in the end as it was clear what was happening, no confusing messages. I’m not saying there was no upheaval but I can’t imagine how keeping up the pretence that everything is fine is good for you or them?

I wouldn’t cook or clean for him. That’s a start.

[Foghead]

Fab advice here -
Stop family days out
Stop cooking for him
Stop doing his laundry
Sit next to him and talk about his affair
Learn the trombone
all that should work wonderfully. Sorry op. I’m not laughing at your situation which sounds awful.

He really needs to leave ASAP. There’s no other way for you to be more relaxed and happy.

[MarkRuffaloCrumble]

I agree with all the suggestions above. This was the worst point for me, having to still live together after we’d decided to separate. At one point he was complaining about something about me making the atmosphere uncomfortable and I just snapped and shouted “so why don’t you just fuck off then?!” and he found somewhere to live the next day

I think you should talk about custody/access etc and then start to live like that. You can live as a separated couple even while sharing the same house, as long as you sleep separately, and do your own thing in terms of shopping, eating, holidays etc so that means you can apply for child maintenance from him and any government support you’re entitled to as a lone parent too.

[SavoyCabbage]

When one of my friends found herself in a similar situation I offered her a room in my house where she could come to for a few hours. Or however long she liked. She could watch tv and go on the internet etc and be out of her house without having to be out.

[Kornflake]

To those who've asked why I've been doing all this for him, it's to keep the peace around DCs.
With the cooking, I'm at home more than him as I WFH, so makes sense for me to cook and wash, but I feel used.
Waiting for finances to be sorted re the houses, I won't go into too much detail but with covid restrictions, tighter budgets at work and finance issues, we're stuck like this for around 6 months.
He could stay in his brothers spare room but blatantly refuses to tell anyone that we're separating.
We're actually not married, supposed to have been getting married next year. Easier to call him "dh" for the sake of the post. I've told my friends the wedding is off etc, he's not told anyone.
We are in separate rooms but we have been since January. He is content with porn and has been for quite some time from what I can gather, so not much discomfort for him with separate bedrooms either. I hate that the DCs have got used to us sleeping in separate rooms. I don't want them thinking this is normal.
He doesn't care.

[Kornflake]

@savoycabbage
You sound like a truly wonderful friend.

[MacbookHo]

My ex wanted to sleep in the spare room — seemingly forever — after we’d decided to split. I told him he had to move out, and he did after he’d found a house to rent.

Why are you “stuck” living together? Are there practical reasons? Please focus on finding solutions for them, or force him to. This is awful. It’s SO LOVELY when they’ve gone. Honestly, it’s bliss. Utter bliss. You’re going to love it.

If there are insurmountable reasons why you can’t live apart, and he’s being a cock, I would:

• Move him into a tiny, stuffy bedroom. Preferably on an air bed.
  
• Tell the children together that you’ve split up.
  
• Give him a gift-wrapped laundry basket and laundry liquid, etc, with gift bows on.
  
• Label one shelf in the fridge as his, and 1/4 of the kitchen cupboards.
  
• Draw up a rota for using the sitting room. On your evenings, make sure you play music that he hates or watch TV featuring people he hates.
  
• Tell your friends and family that you’ve split up.

[BigBadBox]

He could stay in his brothers spare room but blatantly refuses to tell anyone that we're separating.

Time for a chat with your BIL

[user183684257424]

I WFH, so makes sense for me to cook and wash, but I feel used.

It doesn't make sense then, does it?

[MacbookHo]

Oops, cross-posted with you there.

He could stay in his brothers spare room but blatantly refuses to tell anyone that we're separating.

You could tell his brother. You could tell his whole family. There’s nothing stopping you. And tell his mum how horrible he’s being now.

[HollowTalk]

Oh come on, he can go to his brother's. You're being silly here, OP.