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I tried to discuss vasectomies with my husband This is how it went

(428 Posts)
enjoyeverymoment Thu 01-Oct-20 13:21:52

Myself and my husband have 3 small dc. We know our family is complete so naturally the topic of contraception has come up.
We went to the gp together and my gp basically was dismissive of vasectomys and suggested the coil for me. From what I read it can cause heavy periods so I decided I didn't want the risk as I already suffer and the pill used to make me very hormonal years ago.

My husband is very against having a vasectomy because he is afraid of any side effects and is now saying because the gp was dismissive she obviously doesn't recommend it either. I've recently learned of a new no scalpel procedure and discussed it with him but again he shot me down and wouldn't discuss it further. I wasn't asking him to book an appointment but read up about it, talk to his friends ect just consider it.

I've explained to him that I went through a lot multiple miscarriages prior to having dc, procedures to find out the reason I was miscarrying, bad birth on ds 1 and two sections on dds and I never gave the effects on my body a second though as it was worth it. His reply was well you wanted three I would have settled at two. We agreed three and not once did he suggested had doubts after dd2. His only condition was number 3 was conceived before we turn 40. He is a great dad to all 3 children and I've no doubt he loves them but he always maintains how I wanted 3 not him.

The thing I have an issue with though is if I fell pregnant again he would be hinting I'd have an abortion. He wouldn't make me but I would hear all the negative things another baby would do to us.

I hear women all the time saying how their husband went and had a vasectomy so they wouldn't worry anymore about falling pregnant and so they wouldn't be pumping their bodies with hormones ect. My husband would gladly sit back and say nothing if I announced tomorrow I was having my tubes tied without discussing the risk then reap in the reward. That's how I feel anyway.

At the moment we're using condoms but it's not good. The simple solution is to stop having sex but where does that leave our marriage.

OP’s posts: |
Haworthia Thu 01-Oct-20 13:39:07

Why do GPs always push the coil? Do they get paid for it or something?

I was under the impression that they literally do. Coils are the cheapest option so they receive bonuses for encouraging women to have them.

I picked up a leaflet in my surgery called “Considering female sterilisation?” What I got it home and opened it, it basically said “Get a cool!”

I will never have a coil.

PamDemic Thu 01-Oct-20 13:39:27

well you're in an impasse aren't you, since you can't force him to have a vasectomy. my exH was the same - his reason being that if he had a new wife, he might want more children (he is an Ex) and he also rewrote the previous decision to have our existing children.

I think don't have sex if you're not happy that you might become pregnant as a result. It's unreasonable of him to expect you to have an abortion or use hormonal contraception, and it's unreasonable of you to expect him to have an operation on his body

but fwiw, I do have a copper coil and have found it absolutely brilliant.

ivfbeenbusy Thu 01-Oct-20 13:42:16

His body his choice - MN loves to parrot that out when it involves a woman and their body

There are lots of contraceptive options these days not just the coil and condoms so perhaps it a case of finding which one suits both of you best?

Contraception isn't one persons responsibility but neither is undergoing a permanent procedure

sunset900 Thu 01-Oct-20 13:42:47

Although it is always up to the person involved to have the final say I think men's general reluctance to entertain the idea is ridiculous. Women go through pregnancy, childbirth and all that involves to create their children, why can they not shoulder the responsibility once the family is complete? It is a procedure done in a doctors surgery and you're heading home within half an hour, it can't possibly be the huge issue they think and nowhere near childbirth.

unmarkedbythat Thu 01-Oct-20 13:44:26

I have 3 dc. It was my dh who was insistent that there would be no more; I was open to more even if not intending to have more, if that makes sense. He wouldn't get a vasectomy. He was afraid. I was and am still unhappy about it, but I got sterilised. The Pill has failed me (twice), the Mirena really did not agree with me, neither the implant nor injection appealed and I have heard too many horror stories of women suffering with the former and being denied removal by HCPs to risk it, and everything else had too high a failure rate for me to feel sufficiently protected against pregnancy, so I had very little choice if I wanted to continue having PIV sex. He does not know how much it dented my respect for him and he likely never will. I can get past it- clearly, as it's a few years now and we remain married- but of all the issues we have ever had, this is the one I think most poorly of him in relation to.

Timeforabiscuit Thu 01-Oct-20 13:44:40

Vasectomy carries some quite nasty risks, I'm only lucky in that the mirena has worked worderfully.

However, while I'd quite like a third child - and I'm fairly sure dh would find two bricks more appealing!

He needs to find a contraceptive solution for himself if he doesn't want more children - and for men there aren't many choices!

RandomMess Thu 01-Oct-20 13:45:13

Coil is cheap, I tried the mirena and it was hideous for me.

I think I would state no more PIV sex as you do not want to risk a pregnancy. I would be fuming that he is lying about not wanting a third!!!

WiseUpJanetWeiss Thu 01-Oct-20 13:47:10

NiceGerbil

WiseUp but he's made it clear he expects her to have an abortion if she gets pregnant.

Bloody hell I missed this bit. What a jerk he is.

emilybrontescorsett Thu 01-Oct-20 13:47:28

I would do similar to what Livefor suggests.

You don’t have to stop enjoying yourself. Buy yourself some toys and pleasure yourself.
Your dh sounds very selfish.
Let him come up with the suggestions.

ememem84 Thu 01-Oct-20 13:49:20

Similar situation here. I want dh to have a vasectomy and he is ok with it but just won’t do it. Apparently the gps won’t entertain stuff like that at the moment (his words) and he’s need to go to the uk (were Channel Islands) for the procedure (he wouldn’t. They do it here but he doesn’t trust the. Here...).

He’s happy for me to have the cool fitted and deal with the side effects though. I’ve said coil is coming out in 3 years. So by this point he has to have had one.

briebuiltthiscity Thu 01-Oct-20 13:51:37

I think your first paragraph - you’re being unreasonable. It is his body and his choice. And if you didn’t want your tubes tied for example, how would you feel if Dh kept saying “oh but there’s a new procedure” etc.

However the second paragraph onwards - he’s being an arse.

There are other options I’m sure.

lunar1 Thu 01-Oct-20 13:52:33

My husband offered and went for a vacetomy when we finished having children. He wouldn't have even considered making me continue be be affected by contraception any longer.

I was on the pill, depo injections, had fertility treatment, pregnancies, miscarriages and all the other crap our bodies go through.

Sunshineandflipflops Thu 01-Oct-20 13:53:21

After our 2nd dc was born I had a copper coil fitted. I know everyone is different but the pain of having it put in almost caused me to pass out. That was after a vaginal birth and a c section.

It was fine for about 8 years then I started spotting a lot so had it taken out and told my dh it was his turn (I was also on the pill for years before having dc). He wasn't thrilled at the thought but did it. Which was great until he had an affair and we separated. Now I'm with someone else and back on the pill hmm.

BUT the good news is that our dc will have no unexpected half siblings popping up so every cloud.

It seems very unfair that he won't even discuss this with you or do some research. my x had a few friends who had had the snip so he talked it through with some of them.

suki32 Thu 01-Oct-20 13:54:47

Send him this to read:
www.theguardian.com/stage/2020/aug/12/could-i-feel-what-they-were-doing-yes-rob-delaney-on-the-pain-and-pleasure-of-his-vasectomy

wombat1a Thu 01-Oct-20 13:55:34

Sorry but with the percentage of men who suffer for years following having the snip I can certainly see his point. At least whatever you do can be changed if it has problems, if he is one of those with serious side-effects then its not easily changed is it.

Dozer Thu 01-Oct-20 13:55:37

Have a similar fertility/obstetric history. I don’t wish to use coil again (bad past experience 3 years on Mirena) nor hormonal contraception (longstanding PMS, tried many pills and all but one were worse).

DH has considered but thus far doesn’t want a vasectomy due to concern about side effects, particularly pain. A mutual friend doesn’t want one because, in the event of relationship ending or being widowed, he’d want the option to have more DC.

So, non penetrative sex or condoms it is! my DH and friend seem respectful, acknowledge our physical/emotional experience etc.

Your H’s attitude concerns me, especially the minimising of your experience and gaslighting about you about DC3.

well you wanted three I would have settled at two. We agreed three and not once did he suggested had doubts after dd

justasking111 Thu 01-Oct-20 13:57:30

I know two men on waiting list for a vasectomy with covid there is no chance at the moment.

Dozer Thu 01-Oct-20 13:58:18

So he’s not necessarily U for not wanting a vasectomy, but is U in his treatment of you.

And as you say, his behaviour suggests that in the event of any future pregnancies / DC he wouldn’t ‘have your back’.

5amonSunday Thu 01-Oct-20 13:58:58

Condoms or no sex.

DuckEatDuckWorld Thu 01-Oct-20 13:59:15

It is his body, his decision. Same goes for you. If neither of you want surgery, and you don't want to get the coil (don't blame you, I refused it too and all contraceptive pills/implants give me regular severe migraines), then the obvious answer is condoms. If he doesn't want to wear condoms, then you will likely have a major issue because you won't be able to safely have sex, and one of you will have to compromise.

A vasectomy is a minor procedure, easier and less risky than a tubal litigation. Still, if he really doesn't want to do it, condoms are easy and have no effect on his hormone balance.

SpaceOP Thu 01-Oct-20 13:59:39

OP, I feel your pain. DH was always very very anti vasectomy. I felt a bit resentful because years of hormone contraception, then fertility treatment (oh, the irony), then two difficult pregnancies and births later, I felt it was his turn to step up. Especially as I can't use hormone contraception anymore. But he was not keen.

So I took myself off to the doctor to discuss sterilisation in the form of tube tying. She told me that a vasectomy would be a better option but completely understood and referred me. Off I went to the appointment to discuss with the specialist (our trust does do female sterilisation, but not routinely so you have to go and basically be assessed and then they decide whether or not to agree to it. The specialist felt that a vasectomy would be a better option but agreed, in the absence of that, female sterilisation was better and he agreed to add me to the list.

In between all this, DH had finally started to realise how deeply deeply serious I was about this. Then he realised what female sterilisation involved, including GA etc. So he agreed to go talk to the GP.

She of course, referred him immediately.

On the day, the woman who was supposed to do the procedure (or at least, we THINK she was the person doing it - she never bothered to introduce herself), got DH so stressed out and made it clear she felt it was ridiculous for him to have a vasectomy when his wife could use birth control (I had written down all the reasons I couldn't as, can you believe it, that is a requirement - but she wasn't interested). So he didn't go through with it.

I'm afraid my story does not help you at all. But I can tell you that I think the way the male-focused medical profession views vasectomies is just astonishing and really really poor. My doctors would prefer I didn't have a GA for this reason but accepted the bigger picture need. But a man to undergo any kind of risk? oh god no.

JunkCrumpet Thu 01-Oct-20 14:01:26

I hate to be this person but I think YABU. A coil is more likely to make periods lighter than heavier, it's often used for the exact purpose of making periods lighter. I had one for years and loved it. My periods stopped completely (came back immediately when I had it removed). I didn't even notice it for years, no pain, no cramps, nothing! I couldn't recommend it enough. People say it hurts going in and out but they're just scaremongering, it really doesn't hurt.
Statistically speaking, a coil is more effective than a vasectomy at preventing pregnancy. It's completely reversible in a virtually painless procedure. A vasectomy is usually reversible (but often not on the NHS) and is much bigger procedure. I don't think expecting him to have a vasectomy because you don't want a coil is reasonable at all - his body is his choice and your body is your choice but you're expecting a lot more from him than he is from you. You want him to do something far more substantial, painful and permanent than he's asking from you. You're comfortable with saying no to the coil but think he shouldn't be able to say no to a vasectomy?!
If you both very clearly do not want to have children, then isn't it a given that you'd be intending to have an abortion if you did fall pregnant? No contraception is 100% so it's worth discussing this.

CatSmith Thu 01-Oct-20 14:04:26

Stop having sex. Al sex embargo until he gets his vasectomy with absolutely no waiver if on your side.

It’s funny how men will happily allow their wives to literally risk their life to procreate yet squirm at the thought of the tiniest, non invasive surgery!

Stand your ground, no sex till he’s had the snip!

jdoejnr1 Thu 01-Oct-20 14:05:35

He's not unreasonable for not wanting a vasectomy. It's a surgical procedure that come with complications. You're not unreasonable for not wanting to get a coil fitted. You're both unreasonable for assuming it's the other person's responsibility, it's both your responsibilities. Cant agree? Then don't have sex.

JunkCrumpet Thu 01-Oct-20 14:06:04

CatSmith

Stop having sex. Al sex embargo until he gets his vasectomy with absolutely no waiver if on your side.

It’s funny how men will happily allow their wives to literally risk their life to procreate yet squirm at the thought of the tiniest, non invasive surgery!

Stand your ground, no sex till he’s had the snip!

For the record, this is abusive. To withhold an important and intimate part of a relationship until a man surrenders the basic right to determine what happens to his own body is abuse. Disgusting.

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