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Love late in life

(108 Posts)
MrsChristmas123 Wed 16-Sep-20 15:04:56

Hi there

I have been lurking here a while and read so many stories just like mine just feel the need to talk to someone.

I'm in my 60s and have just moved a new area having bought a cottage here that I am intending to renovate. I have no friends or family (they all live a long way away) but intend to join in the community and find friends that way. I am very sociable!

It is very much a new start for me, having left my previous place after 34 years.

My problem is a man friend that I met several months ago who has been very supportive, kind and helpful. He shares a house with several other people and has a pension from previous work but now medically retired.

He helped me negotiate the price that I should offer on my house (his family live nearby so he knows the area well) and offered to carry out the renovations (about 2 months work I would guess). I offered many times to pay for his time (he has renovated many houses in the past) but all he says is that I should feed him every night. I am paying for all the materials.

I have met his Mum and I voiced my concerns to her saying that I was not comfortable just accepting free labour and had always paid in the past. She said the same that I should just cook for him every night whilst he is working in my house.

We are fond of each other but there has not been a full sexual relationship because I am not sure that this is what I want now. I have lived on my own for so long and have got used to my own company.

My male friend is now starting to pressure me to sleep with him now as well wanting to think about living together in a couple of years. When I say I'm not ready for any sort of commitment he says that he is joking. He says that he not bothered about sex but would like to stay over.

I have only known him a few months and he is not talking about wanting to marry me one day! It is very flattering but quite frankly I just want a companion now. I know this sounds boring but that's me.

We've never discussed finances and I have no idea about his financial situation although he tells that he has restored many houses and sold them at a profit. He says that he never pays tax, 'has a lot of fingers in a lot of pies'...think Rodney out 'fools and horses'!

I just feel that things are just moving far to fast for me although he is good company and wants to see me every day.

He fantasises what it would be like when we live together one day, all the renovations that he is going to do my house. I think he is reasonably happy living in a bedsit (he was travelling around Europe for a while) and has no problems with paying his bills. He is going to be 60 next year.

I guess I've just got carried away with it all and now I'm not sure how I can slow things down! He says that he loves me and wants to be with me all of the time but I just find it so claustrophobic because I'm an introvert and desperately need my own space.

This sounds very moany I know because I'm lucky that I've moved to lovely area and was able to buy my little cottage outright. I guess I had this idea of spending the rest of my life pottering about, meeting people and learning new hobbies.

I hadn't planned on such a relationship but he is planning on living with me full time one day and possibly marriage. He has been married three times before..first wife died, second wife went of with another man and the third assaulted him.

When I say to him that I feel pressured, that we've only know each months, can we slow things down and live for the moment, that I just want to move into my cottage and enjoy it he gets tetchy.

I'm living in rented accommodation with my stuff in store and a few bags in his bedsit which he says that he perfectly happy to look after for me.

I have offered many times to pay for his work but he is now getting very short with me because he is looking forward to making my cottage lovely for me. All he wants is to be fed because he hates cooking and the occasional overnight stay...(whatever that means).

I guess I'm just very wary (having read all of the posts on here about cocklodgers) and just so worried that once he starts staying over night I would find it hard to get him to leave. This sounds so cynical I know.

We get on well together, he's good fun but says that he cannot afford to go out much so we mostly do things that are free.

Recently I decided to have a day to myself and he just kept saying how much he missed me. The next day he was very bossy with me telling me that if he is going to work on my house he doesn't want to be paid but wants food, drinks and to sleep in my bed.

There is only about three weeks until I move in and I am seriously thinking of finishing the relationship when I've moved.

What should I do?

OP’s posts: |
Songsofexperience Wed 16-Sep-20 15:11:10

The next day he was very bossy with me telling me that if he is going to work on my house he doesn't want to be paid but wants food, drinks and to sleep in my bed.

I'd say that's a red flag. Sounds like he's definitely doing things for you because he's expecting something in return- not necessarily out of the goodness of his heart. What he wants from you is much more than money. It's quite invasive in fact. He needs to let you move forward with the relationship (or not) in your own time.

tattychicken Wed 16-Sep-20 15:13:06

Extricate yourself now, before you move in. He's got it all sorted in his head, he moves in, takes over, married, gets himself a nice cottage. He is not listening to you. Tell him now it's not working and you want to be by yourself. You will meet plenty of new friends.

tattychicken Wed 16-Sep-20 15:14:15

It would be much easier and prob less expensive in the long run to pay a workman to do these jobs on your home.

dramaqueen Wed 16-Sep-20 15:14:45

Run. Fast.

Mrsjayy Wed 16-Sep-20 15:17:09

Please put the brakes on this he sounds such a creep trying to force his way in how dare he !

TwentyViginti Wed 16-Sep-20 15:17:38

Fuck him off. He's after living in your home. He's trying to make you feel you owe him that, along with sex. You don't.

Don't let him stay overnight. Ever.

Mxflamingnoravera Wed 16-Sep-20 15:18:13

This is not a relationship. He is trying to manipulate you into being the fourth Mrs whoever to get access to what you have.

You don't love him. It doesn't even sound as if you like him very much. The Pp who suggests you pay a professional to do the work is right. Take back your life, he will be running it, and your home otherwise.

Catsarelush Wed 16-Sep-20 15:18:38

Does the man friend live in the area? How did you meet him? Are you actually in a relationship with him? It’s hard to tell from your op.

I wouldn’t let him do a single thing else to your house or any help whatsoever.

If you really don’t want to be with him I think you should extricate yourself from the relationship now or you will never get rid of him.

christ this man is a cocklodger in waiting. He's probably lying about or minimising the reasons his previous relationships ended. A man that age living in shared accommodation is inevitably looking for a meal ticket.

Insist on paying him for the work - if he won't accept money, sack him off and pay a proper handyman.

If you have him there every night eating at your table, you will never be rid of him.

Your plan of a free and single life pottering about with hobbies sounds idyllic. Don't let this man screw it up.

RatherBeRiding Wed 16-Sep-20 15:33:08

Apart from saying he is "good company" there is nothing in your post to say you are attracted to him, or want to be in a relationship with him! How on earth did this "relationship" progress to him wanting to move in and marry you! Do you have any amorous feelings for him at all??

He's being very pushy and manipulative and obviously fancies moving from a pokey little bed-sit where he can't afford to go out, to a lovely little newly renovated cottage where there is a cook/housekeeper to look after him and provide sex as a side service!

Be firm. Tell him you're not looking for ANY kind of a relationship, are happy to pay him the going rate but will be employing a professional builder if he won't accept payment as this is making you feel very uncomfortable.

Shodan Wed 16-Sep-20 15:37:33

He's a cheeky bugger isn't here, forcing himself into your life and your cottage!

I understand you feel some kind of obligation to him, because he's bullied you into feeling that way by refusing payment and demanding meals instead, but your best bet is to cut this off now.

Say thank you for the work you've done, but you're not comfortable with the future he's mapped out, so it's best to call it a day. Then get a professional in to finish whatever work needs completing.

ravenmum Wed 16-Sep-20 15:42:00

He's not happy living in a bedsit, he wants your house. He's more or less told you that he wants to live in it.
Telling you he wants to marry you after a couple of months, when you don't even want a relationship, is lovebombing and railroading.
Have you been in any healthy relationships before?

Catsarelush Wed 16-Sep-20 15:48:43

I was in a relationship with a man who was very pushy and kept doing me favours that I didn’t want. When I finished it, he told me he felt used confused and turned very nasty. Beware.

Dery Wed 16-Sep-20 15:55:24

"Say thank you for the work you've done, but you're not comfortable with the future he's mapped out, so it's best to call it a day. Then get a professional in to finish whatever work needs completing."

This. He's trying to put you in the position of feeling obliged to him. He's bulldozing through your boundaries. He fancies living in your cottage. Pull the plug on this relationship.

username501 Wed 16-Sep-20 16:42:20

The next day he was very bossy with me telling me that if he is going to work on my house he doesn't want to be paid but wants food, drinks and to sleep in my bed.

He's very manipulative and what he's saying doesn't add up. He's done up a lot of houses and sold them on for profit yet lives in a bedsit. Doesn't make sense. If you bought the cottage to renovate then surely you budget for the actual renovations. I would hire someone local to do the work.

wewereliars Wed 16-Sep-20 17:18:05

He sounds like very bad news. He is going to be very difficult to get rid off if you don't do it now. What you have planned for yourself sounds lovely, time to make clear that its your house and you don't want him in it. He has manipulated you into this situation and you don't owe him anything.

coffeerice Wed 16-Sep-20 17:38:50

How old is he? You say you're in your 60's so I'm presuming he's the same? Yet he lives in a bed sit and his Mummy is still calling the shots for him.
He needs to know that you're not interested in a relationship where you live with him, and provide his home comforts. Tell him as soon as possible that he's got the wrong end of the stick and you only want to be friends.....if that's what you want.
Reclaim your life and lifestyle. If he gets pushy don't hesitate to get support.
He's played a right game with you.
He's created a scenario where he hoped you'd depend on him and your guilt for his help would provide a home, sex, supper and slippers.

user1471538283 Wed 16-Sep-20 17:49:05

I would insist on paying him for the work so far and cut all ties. If he moved in he would see the house as partly his because of the work he has done. If he had his own money he wouldn't be living in a bed sit at 60. I really don't like the sound of him

ShebaShimmyShake Wed 16-Sep-20 17:49:10

Yes...he wants the life, especially the house. You're uncomfortable for a reason. Don't move him in, definitely don't marry him.

Dery Wed 16-Sep-20 18:00:59

Yes - as PP have said: his story doesn't add up - if he's been doing up and selling properties, why is he living in a bedsit?

But even if all that is true, he's pushy, instinctively exploitative and rather gross - he's met a successful middle-aged woman who's buying herself a lovely cottage and decided he's entitled to a big slice of her and her home for himself. This is a man you haven't even known a year. Talk about entitled!

PS my mum met the love of her life in her mid-50s so it certainly does happen that you can meet someone very special later in life. And you're only in your 60s - you could have another 3 decades or more - plenty of time to meet someone if you'd like to do so. But this guy is not the one.

AdaColeman Wed 16-Sep-20 18:02:41

He's got his feet firmly under your table by stealth.
It sounds to me as though you are not being assertive at all with him. What do you reply when he tells you his dream of living with you?
Do you say firmly "That won't happen" or do you smile wanly and try to ignore?

He's a clever manipulator whose had you marked down as a soft touch since he first spotted you. He sees you as a meal ticket and the start of a comfortable life for him, with you doing all the housework, cooking etc. That isn't what your planned life was going to be!

You are going to have to end it, be firm and harsh with him, it may well end in anger and tears, but otherwise you will be stuck with him.
If you marry him, he will be able to claim half your house and money, so don't do that!!

You need to extricate yourself from this leech As Soon As Possible.
Tell him you are getting someone else in to complete the house and you don't want to see him again.
Stop being a mug, before he sucks you dry.

Somanysocks Wed 16-Sep-20 18:04:30

He sounds proper dodgy. Run for the hills.

UnaCorda Wed 16-Sep-20 18:05:31

All he wants is to be fed because he hates cooking and the occasional overnight stay...(whatever that means).

It means he wants sex.

You don't sound moany or cynical or over-cautious. You sound level-headed and healthily skeptical of the motives of this pushy, presumptuous man.

category12 Wed 16-Sep-20 18:07:42

I think you need to be brave and tell him you don't want him working on your house anymore and that you just want to be friends (if that!). His doing the work for you is coming with massive strings - it's not friendly. It's about creating an obligation, and it's a lifelong one!

TANSTAAFL - There's no such thing as a a free lunch.

Find your own builder/handyman, get it done professionally, pay for it.

Have the life you want, with hobbies and friends, not the life he wants.

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