Self Employed low earner - How can I ever afford to leave? Is it even possible

[keeponsmiling679]

Brief History: H has been quite controlling, manipulative for most of our marriage, he can be very angry and mean to me in front of our children and sometimes to them. Puts us all down etc. This has become a life that is falling apart and I feel we all deserve more. It is unlikely to be something that can be reconciled and I don't think I want to stay.

I have a small business that pays for our 3 children's extra hobbies and my own. H pays for everything else.

is it possible to leave and divorce with no money of my own?

[LexMitior]

Yes. It’s not going to be easy. You need a plan. Look at what assets you have in your marriage. It is not his money but also yours.

You need financial statements to start the process, and an idea of your living costs.

Work that our first.

[MMmomDD]

Sounds difficult OP. Sorry.

There is only one answer to your question - it is always possible to leave. However it is rarely possible to maintain same exact lifestyle.
It’s hard to tell much without knowing your situation - but if you are a lower earner and you have marital assets to divide - you’ll possibly get a larger share, and child maintenance. And life will need to adjust to what you and him agree.

[MarkRuffaloCrumble]

How old are your DCs and is there anything you could do to improve your business’s prospects? Otherwise look at getting a job out of the house, then even if you’re a low earner, you will be eligible for some top up working benefits, along with child benefit, maintenance from your H etc

Get your head around the finances and come up with a plan to work your way up to a point where you’re earning well. That might be a few years away, but it’s totally doable if you start now.

I have a feeling with all the disruption surrounding Covid and lockdown etc lots of businesses will be looking at new ways of doing things and new job opportunities will start arising, so it seems like a bleak time but I think things will turn around quickly and the work/life balance for parents of small children will have to be part of that consideration.

Millions of men have just found out how hard it is juggling work and kids for the first time ever, and hopefully that will affect how things are done in future (because if it affects them of course they’ll help with a solution!)

I heard DP on the phone to a man he works with the other day trying to find a day they could all meet up. This guy could only get childcare one day a week because his DW worked out of the house, so while he had the flexibility of WFH, he also had childcare responsibilities 4/5 weekdays. I just admit it made my day a little to hear that! Anyway, just some musings - as a single mum it can be hard to make things work, but your current situation isn’t sustainable - you deserve to be happy. Let’s see how we can help to make that happen for you

[SoulofanAggron]

If you're on a low income and would find it hard to cover your housing costs, you will be entitled to some help.

I have a small business that pays for our 3 children's extra hobbies and my own. H pays for everything else. Is it possible to leave and divorce with no money of my own?

You have your own money though, you just said so, as you have a small business. It would just mean some of it has to be spent on boring stuff.

[keeponsmiling679]

@MarkRuffaloCrumble

How old are your DCs and is there anything you could do to improve your business’s prospects? Otherwise look at getting a job out of the house, then even if you’re a low earner, you will be eligible for some top up working benefits, along with child benefit, maintenance from your H etc

Get your head around the finances and come up with a plan to work your way up to a point where you’re earning well. That might be a few years away, but it’s totally doable if you start now.

I have a feeling with all the disruption surrounding Covid and lockdown etc lots of businesses will be looking at new ways of doing things and new job opportunities will start arising, so it seems like a bleak time but I think things will turn around quickly and the work/life balance for parents of small children will have to be part of that consideration.

Millions of men have just found out how hard it is juggling work and kids for the first time ever, and hopefully that will affect how things are done in future (because if it affects them of course they’ll help with a solution!)

I heard DP on the phone to a man he works with the other day trying to find a day they could all meet up. This guy could only get childcare one day a week because his DW worked out of the house, so while he had the flexibility of WFH, he also had childcare responsibilities 4/5 weekdays. I just admit it made my day a little to hear that! Anyway, just some musings - as a single mum it can be hard to make things work, but your current situation isn’t sustainable - you deserve to be happy. Let’s see how we can help to make that happen for you

The children are 10,11 & 14

Thanks so much for your advice, I definitely need a plan. Can definitely attempt to grow my business more.

Everyones messages have given me a little hope that i'm not a trapped as i feel so thank you x

[MarkRuffaloCrumble]

At those ages, although the expectations on you to work and earn will be higher than someone with toddlers, at least you’re coming into a phase where they are more self sufficient and it won’t be long before they will all be able to stay home alone if you have to work etc so you’ll have more flexibility. It’s awkward at those ages, as although you know they’ll be fine on their own for a few hours, they’re not quite at the age to stay home alone all day in the holidays etc. But if you can get a plan in place and start building things up gradually, in another year or two you’ll be able to do whatever it takes to earn enough to support you all. And of course your XH will have to pay child support if you have the DCs more than 50% of the time.

You can do this! It’s actually quite empowering becoming the head of your family. A wonderful MNer called Nina Farr wrote a book (I Am the Parent Who Stayed) and a parenting course called Family Vision, all about building your own version of your family after a traumatic break up. May be worth a look to give you a positive outlook on your new situation. She’s very inspiring, having lived through it herself and survived to tell the tale!

[keeponsmiling679]

@MarkRuffaloCrumble thats a really great reply thank you, i have been doubting myself the last 24 hours. But we can't carry on with this rubbish life.
I've just found Nina Farr on instagram, so empowering, thank you