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How do i leave

(15 Posts)
Itsme443 Fri 10-Jul-20 12:59:12

That really. I think my husband emotionally abuses me, he will turn around any scenario and make it my fault. This is apart from the fact in recent weeks alone he has spat at me directly on my face. He turns everything around to the point i actually think im now going mad. We have been together 14years married 10 with two kids 6&3. I earn all the money but the mortgage is in joint names. How do I actually do it?

OP’s posts: |
namechange12a Fri 10-Jul-20 13:32:20

Spitting in your face is assault. Here is the CABx guide to ending a relationship. You can contact Shelter for advice on the house. The Family Law Panel have solicitors trained in DV, they have a purple ribbon beside their name. If your husband is a SAHD then you'll need advice on custody, try the Gingerbread helpline.

OP, when your relationship has got to the point of your partner spitting in your face, it's over.

Itsme443 Fri 10-Jul-20 13:42:23

I keep telling myself he loves me he just gets frustrated easily. I guess im stupid. When we fight he shouts and swears at me often in front of the children. I literally beg him not to. Am
I this stupid!?!

OP’s posts: |
AttilaTheMeerkat Fri 10-Jul-20 13:51:22

The only acceptable level of abuse in a relationship is NONE.

No you are not stupid at all but you're making poor excuses for what is totally unacceptable, not just to say abusive, behaviour from him. Why are you doing that to yourself?. You would not tolerate this from a friend nor a stranger in the street would you?. He's likely conditioned you over the years to not now know which way is up and his actions towards you are not loving ones. Love is not a mere verb, its an action too. Look at his actions towards you, these are all about having power and control over you.

Would you want your children as adults to have a relationship like this, no you would not. Its not acceptable to you either or it should not be.

What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?. Is this really the role model of a relationship your kids should be seeing and otherwise picking up on?. No.

I would urge you to contact Womens Aid asap; if you can go out to a Boots chemist many of their staff are now trained to assist domestic violence victims. These people will be able to access safe spaces at Boots pharmacy consultation rooms across the country, where they can contact specialist domestic abuse services for support and advice. The scheme is in response to the desperate situation facing many victims who are isolating with perpetrators during lockdown. Your H here is volatile and will remain so, your safety here remains of paramount concern.

Squeakyjoint Fri 10-Jul-20 13:53:15

There’s getting frustrated and there is your situation. They are not the same. This is not emotional abuse. It’s physical/ domestic violence!

Put it this way, if you went on a date and that person spat IN YOUR FACE! What would you think? Would you go on a second date? If yes, then you are stupid, if no, why is it ok now? I’d say if you do that again I’ll have you for assault. Keep a diary, this will highlight the frequency of bad events. I’ve done this and it’s really revealing plus I find writing it down helps my mental well-being.

category12 Fri 10-Jul-20 14:22:49

Like eating an elephant, it's one bite at a time.

Speak to domestic abuse services in your area,
speak to a solicitor on the quiet (you may be able to find one that does a free short initial consultation),
look at what you'd be entitled to as a single parent (there are online benefits calculators and child support calculators),
start looking for ways to get back into work,
if you have supportive family, would they be able to help you leave?

Itsme443 Fri 10-Jul-20 15:35:32

Thanks i work im actually the main earner and im the one that does everything with the kids! I really think he is lost with so many demons but i just cant take it anymore

OP’s posts: |
Bananalanacake Fri 10-Jul-20 15:48:31

Why doesn't he work. Is he the sahp.

DanniArthur Fri 10-Jul-20 15:55:19

OP you are certainly not stupid. It sounds like he has been gas lighting you for years and has succeeded in his mission to make you question yourself. What he is doing is abuse and it's completely unacceptable. You and your DC deserve far better than this. I know leaving an abusive relationship is so hard especially with children and property together but you shouldn't have to put up with a disrespectful man you shouts, swears and even spits at you! He sounds like a vile bully. I agree with PP reach out to domestic abuse helplines and speak to a lawyer if you can. Begin planning your escape now so you can live a free, happy life with your DC.flowers

Dery Fri 10-Jul-20 15:56:58

You are not stupid. You loved this man enough to marry him and have children with him and no doubt there have been good times, so you had a natural instinct to preserve the relationship. That's completely understandable. Also abuse often comes on gradually and the abused partner often wakes up to find themselves in the middle of an abusive situation without having been aware of it developing.

You have now come to the realisation that this is abusive and you can't deal with it anymore. His behaviour sounds deeply nasty - spitting in your face is just vile. And shouting and swearing at you in front of your children is also vile. So it does sound like a very good plan for you to leave. It's great that you earn money and can be independent from him.

As @category12 says - take it one step at a time. Unless you are in immediate physical danger from him, you have time to plan this. Keep it entirely secret from him as he may try to physically harm you if he knows what you are planning.

This website has a list of things to consider if you're planning on leaving your husband:

www.marriage.com/advice/separation/thinking-about-leaving-your-husband/

Good luck and keep posting here for support.

Itsme443 Fri 10-Jul-20 16:25:39

I dont know what he is?! He isnt the sahd tho! Apart from taking one of my kids to sch pre covid i do everything else. He was working in a start up but stopped that in feb with covid he has recently started some work from home but is not a big wage.

OP’s posts: |
category12 Fri 10-Jul-20 16:58:35

Apologies, I don't know where I got the idea he was the earner! I'm just making up my own scenarios apparently grin.

You basically have to go and get legal advice about the house and get a start on divorcing him. (If you asked him to leave, would he go?) Otherwise you may be in a for a bit of a long haul leading up to the divorce and final settlements.

Start documenting the abuse - dates and incidents.

(I'd probably quietly take over any drop-offs, childcare he does from now, so he doesn't have any grounds to argue he's primary carer.)

Itsme443 Fri 10-Jul-20 17:40:13

Thank you

OP’s posts: |
Itsme443 Fri 10-Jul-20 21:24:54

You may all think im stupid but i dont think he means to be abusive. It sounds ridiculous i know!!! 🥴 he is under a lot of stress and i feel for him but i dont want this life anymore. I (maybe even more stupid) believe if we break up it might actually make him realise he needs to be a better person. But im worried for the kids but i dont want to shop him in as being abusive. And in my circle it would just be brilliant gossip for so many people i cant do that to him. I just want to be able to leave him without him
Trying to take my money or my children but i dont want to stop his relationship with them they love him. Legally can i stay in this house? I mean if i leave he cannot pay the mortgage and its in both our names?? Or it is unless he leaves amicably i have to go all legal on him?? (Im from a family of lawyers but i really dont wanna go to my dad brother and sister for legal advise on my marriage before i know what im doing!) god im pathetic

OP’s posts: |
category12 Fri 10-Jul-20 23:34:04

I'm not sure that abusive people always intend or realise they are abusive - it may be the only way they know how to be - but it doesn't really matter what's behind it, it's the effect of it. Intention isn't magic.

You don't need to report him, or bring up the abuse in a divorce if you don't want to, but keeping a record could be useful should his behaviour escalate - and just to shore up your own resolution, as you may have times you'll wonder if you're doing the right thing.

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