Sexual abuse - where do I go from here?!

[Mamabear194]

I'm no longer in the relationship however share a dc with my ex whom he now has contact with. Throughout our relationship he was sexually abusive.. touching and grabbing me in my sleep, when awake, pressuring me into sex even when I said no however the reason I left was actually due to the way he treated dc. I reported it to the police but I know how the justice system works, I know how hard it would to be to get him formally charged let alone prosecuted so asked that he not be arrested as he was already dragging me through court.

I didn't ever expect anyone to believe me, I was sexually abused as a child and while my childhood abuser was caught and found guilty I always felt that no one will believe me, perhaps because it was what I was told. But raised it in court and now it has been used against me. Exp has said he will go for residency unless I remove it from my allegations. I have, I cannot risk leaving her in a dangerous situation for longer and eventually he would have had unsupervised contact.

I feel violated that court made it possible for exp to further control me, the fact that he'll still be in dds life so a reminder for me. So here I am, Im already in contact with women's aid and on a list for trauma services but where do I even go from here? I know I need to rebuild but all of this has just brought back those feelings of not being believed, that it was my fault and that I allowed it to happen.

[Mamabear194]

Bump

[ThePathToHealing]

I believe you.

It must have taken so much energy for you to leave and to go to the police. I left a relationship over similar things and am exploring things through trauma therapy and before covid I was attending the freedom program.

It's an awful thing for your exp to use it against you. I left the relationship without knowing it's abuse and I feel a huge weight of powerlessness and that there's no justice in the world. I wish I could help ease your pain but just know that you are not alone, I'm listening and I believe you. I have found writing about my experiences helpful whether that's privately or on forums.

[Mamabear194]

Thank you for that @ThePathToHealing, I really needed that today. That's how I feel about there being no justice in the world and also how I just feel like it has all being used against me. I know it's hard to prove and to press charges but I didn't think it would be used against me and our child. I did do the freedom programme last year but it's just brought it all back up for me. Left me feeling weak and distrustful of others. I think I'd need to go back to the GP, get some more help to manage my mental health

[ThePathToHealing]

Going to your GP sounds like a sensible next step. Are you able to sleep and take care of yourself? I know it can be difficult.

I have found yoga helpful in that I'm gaining strength in my back and shoulders and if I'm having a bad day, just the feeling of some form of power is comforting to me. The breathing also helps and I find I release a lot of emotion that way. I've cried too many times on a yoga mat.

I've found TV really difficult to watch, there are so many unhealthy relationships that are portrayed as romantic. There's a line from a TV show which goes "why did you sleep with her?" "Because she let me!" (No conversation on consent or her wanting to or whether it was coercion). It hurts because you realise how ingrained these ideas are about how women are viewed and treated but it's also painful because so many don't see it. They don't see it in the person you were with or on this huge scale that everyone pretends is ok.

I've tried talking to rape crisis but I did consent to sex because I thought it would make him stop abusing me, because I thought it was his right and I had been told enough times I was wrong to refuse. It didn't matter that the idea of him touching me made my skin crawl.

I wonder if you feel any of the similar things I'm dealing with? It's really painful processing this stuff and it doesn't just affect you in one way because your whole point of view has been shifted in ways most people can't understand.

Please make an appointment with your GP. Women's Aid have an online chat now if that's something you think might be helpful and I'll always be happy to listen if you need.

[Mamabear194]

@ThePathToHealing, I can look after myself but struggling to sleep and just a general sense of helplessness. I should look into yoga too though, I definitely need something to refocus myself.

I get the same as well when watching TV, or I feel physically sick or have panic attacks at anything abusive. Also feel guilty sometimes, I can't explain it but like I didn't fight.. I said no and kept on but at some point I gave up.

I think women's aid gave me a number for a sexual assault helpline, I may try call them too but the online option with women's aid could help. I find people either don't understand as they viewed me as being strong or it upsets them too much.

Could I pm you ?

[ThePathToHealing]

Yes of course you can pm.

[2020firsttimemum]

I have no advice as I've never been in this situation but didn't want to read and run.

You are brave, you are believed and you are strong! I hope you get through this and get what you need for you and your dd 💕