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Help needed! Struggling after affair

(24 Posts)
Darkdiva Sun 07-Jun-20 10:31:47

I had been with my partner for a very long time. Last year he had an affair and it was one of the hardest things i had to deal with. He moved out but not to be with her, but he continued to see her for a few months until it inevitably ended. We have a child together with disabilities, dad was the centre of their life and was distraught he wasn't there any longer. I tried to pick up the pieces even though at first my ex wouldn't see our child then came once a week. After the visits my child would be upset about it because there was no understanding why dad was gone and it was hard for me to see it happen. I tried to be a good mom and not get in the way of the father seeing there child. I tried to move on with my life. I had a brief relationship that was nice but didn't last. I continued my life as difficult as it was. My ex and I started to get along better over time. He came around more often and said how much he missed the family and taking us all for granted. Christmas came and went. It made me miss the wonderful Christmas times we had and it thawed me towards him. He was being nice, supportive and we seemed to be getting on better than ever. When lockdown happened he came home due to tge uncertainty that was around. We didn't share the same bed. It was lovely. Just a family unit again. Everyone was happy. He said he loved me, missed us and deeply regretted making the mistake he did. I love him, I always will. I can't help that as much as I wish I could. I noticed he kept being on his phone. Messaging all the time. Everyone is pretty much always on their phones so I just put it down to paranoia. He admitted he had been talking to an old friend... A female who liked him and he enjoyed the flattery. I felt hurt. He said he wasn't talking to her anymore because it was stupid ans causing hurt. A few weeks later he said he wanted to visit friends and he went but text late saying he wasn't coming home. I said that this was unacceptable to me. He apologised and said he understood how it must make me feel and that was that. A week later he said he wanted to go out but didn't want to cause an issue. My issue was with the staying out all night. So he went. And he didn't come home. I asked him to take his things and leave because i cant deal with that again. He left. He called me and i asked wherw he was staying and he said a friends. I asked if it was male and he said yes but wouldn't say who. I asked if there was another woman involved and he said yes and he has slept with her the night before. I was so upset. During his time away before he said this. I asked him to come see his child because they were missing him. He said he would later as he was a bit busy. He didn't. He said he would be around the next day but then said he was too tired. He hasn't been back. He told me he made up the woman to hurt me for having a relationship when we had broken up. He said i dont let him see his child and would take me to court. My child is upset enough with all this and I don't know what to do. He won't answer calls, he answers mesaages in his own time but if I don't pick up or respond to him he bombards me with calls and texts. I feel like he has cheated again. I feel so unsure of what to do. He is currently ignoring me again even though he said he wanted to come around today to sort out access properly. I just feel so full of anxiety and im so upset. My child is upset again and i dont know what to do fot the best.

OP’s posts: |
shootmenow2020 Sun 07-Jun-20 10:53:37

Why are you giving him all the power to come and go as he please and totally mess you and your child over?

Block and delete. Let him get a court order for access and child maintenance. Right now he's bringing absolutely nothing positive to your life. He's selfish and manipulative. You both deserve better than that.

namesnames Sun 07-Jun-20 10:58:21

He had an affair then reused to see his own child?

He is a shit of the highest order, you and your child deserve much better.

Darkdiva Sun 07-Jun-20 11:08:18

I know how bad it is. Im fully financially dependent on him and pretty much everything is in his name. I tried to explain the negative impact he brings but the sees that as me being a bitch towards him. It feels like torture for me all over again. I don't understand any of it especially where our child is concerned. It's so difficult everyday to care for our child and doing it on my own is really lonely. I have such a high value on family and it hurts me so much. I feel all the same feelings i did when I found out about the affair. I don't even know where he is, who he is with or what is happening. He keeps saying he will turn up and dosnt and blames me for keeping him away because I'm really angry at him. I have all this added stress on top of all the other stress brought about by having a child with disabilities. I just feel so low and lost right now

OP’s posts: |
crimsonlake Sun 07-Jun-20 11:12:20

You do not know what to do for the best??
He has made the decision for you, your marriage is over.
Do not allow him to treat you or your child in such a monstrous way, stop allowing him to play with your emotions.
You need to realise there is no way back, you deserve better. Cut contact and start divorce proceedings.
Life will get better for you eventually.

waterSpider Sun 07-Jun-20 11:27:45

... just to be clear if you are unmarried and all in his name, your 'rights' won't extend much if anything beyond getting child maintenance.

justilou1 Sun 07-Jun-20 11:34:25

Get a lawyer and put half of all joint savings in an account he can’t touch. Make sure you have copies of all financial documents. Make sure lawyer is an absolute ball breaker!

FriendlyDog Sun 07-Jun-20 11:39:46

Would an open relation work so you are still there for your child? Would your child be ok to live with the dad and you move out?

AnneLovesGilbert Sun 07-Jun-20 11:45:03

Dear god, he’s treating you and your child appallingly. Has he moved out again for good?

When you say you don’t know what to do, what do you think your options are?

You might love him but he’s a thoughtless, cruel man and your relationship is over.

Has he continued to support you financially since he first left? What’s your housing situation? Do you get all the benefits you’re entitled to as a carer?

FriendlyDog Sun 07-Jun-20 11:45:14

The thing is not everyone can afford the moral high ground sometimes you have to be clever and sort your affairs before you end it because he cheated. You would be losing out so much more. Dumping him wont suddenly erase what he has done.. why make it harder on yourself dealing with financial hardship, practicality of raising a disabled child alone AND nursing a broken heart. Id have turned a blind eye and sorted my money, milking him out of every drop i could.. used him to build my independence with free 'childcare' and someine earning while you volunteer or study. I know its unpopular view but dont cut your nose to spite your face.

category12 Sun 07-Jun-20 11:47:18

I think if you keep trying to make it work with him, this will happen again and again and again. He doesn't have any respect for you or the relationship and doesn't put his child first at all. he's basically following his cock, and when can get home comforts with you as well, he will.

If you're married, get your share of the joint assets through divorce. Otherwise it'll have to be a mixture of work, the state and child support from him.

Darkdiva Sun 07-Jun-20 12:06:26

We rent a house and no we aren't married. When he left the first time he accumulated a lot of debt. He said and he still says he will support me, pay the rent and be there for our child because he wants to be a good dad. This is where my frustration lies because how is any of this support or being a good dad. He has never had to care for our child on his own. When he used to come see him he would say 11am. He was always late. He would be there till about 4pm and then he would say he would have to leave. The reason why we were in such a financial mess was because he was living and paying for two lives. He hasn't got a well paid job so the debts now are astronomical. I couldn't claim any benefits because he earned just a bit more than the limit. I tried again recently because of the stress im under and i still am getting nowhere. Currently my messages are unread and its like a knife in the heart. Ive explained i can't continue living off his money because i can't claim anything and my life is in his hands. He said he will be paying for everything and that was his final word. He wants nothing to do with me, he says all he wants is to be a good dad but he isn't being. There are no more savings its all gone. My family gave me some money to help me live daily but its a real struggle. Its like im just waiting for him to tell me how it is then he goes. How is he supposed to be a dad for a few hours a week? I don't know where he is staying, who he is staying with but he expects me to not ask questions. I am preparing for him to show up, see his child for a little while and then sit me down, tell me he loves someone else and there is nothing i can do about it. Then he will leave and i have to carry on with the day to day routine while im in a complete mess.

OP’s posts: |
category12 Sun 07-Jun-20 12:08:34

Why can't you claim anything?

BluebellForest836 Sun 07-Jun-20 12:16:24

What’s the reason for not claiming anything confused

Darkdiva Sun 07-Jun-20 12:20:59

Because his name is attached to everything and he earns just enough so I can't claim anything. That's why I need for him to help me change things to mine. But he is refusing to budge.

OP’s posts: |
category12 Sun 07-Jun-20 12:22:33

If you make a claim as a separated person and sole parent, you should be eligible for help, possibly carer's allowance etc. I think you should accept the relationship is over and do this.

Given he's got tons of debt, it might be a good thing you're not married. smile

category12 Sun 07-Jun-20 12:25:17

Shelter can help you with advice about the housing situation.

category12 Sun 07-Jun-20 12:43:28

CAB could advise about benefits. www.citizensadvice.org.uk/benefits/

Shelter england.shelter.org.uk/

Darkdiva Sun 07-Jun-20 13:49:05

Thanks for all your advice. I have just had a conversation with my brother who said I can come stay with him to get my self together and see what i can do next. I will see about what I can get done for us and at least i get a break and some help. He lives quite a distance but I think it will do us all good. I can't force him being a dad so i just have to make sure we arw taken care of properly. I did it before but I do need a clean break now. I may look for new housing near my brother and at least i have family around me. Feels like i can breathe a bit now.

OP’s posts: |
Mylifestartstoday Sun 07-Jun-20 14:38:28

Darkdiva

I know how bad it is. Im fully financially dependent on him and pretty much everything is in his name. I tried to explain the negative impact he brings but the sees that as me being a bitch towards him. It feels like torture for me all over again. I don't understand any of it especially where our child is concerned. It's so difficult everyday to care for our child and doing it on my own is really lonely. I have such a high value on family and it hurts me so much. I feel all the same feelings i did when I found out about the affair. I don't even know where he is, who he is with or what is happening. He keeps saying he will turn up and dosnt and blames me for keeping him away because I'm really angry at him. I have all this added stress on top of all the other stress brought about by having a child with disabilities. I just feel so low and lost right now

My stbxh is the same. I threw him out following discovery of an affair last June. He never bothered with our children, then I let him back in (not the marriage, allowed him in the house to see them), I thought I was doing the right thing. He restarted his relationship with the OW in February, youngest found out, he made her hide it and lie. All hell broke loose when she couldn’t keep it in any longer and they now don’t want to see him. It’s all my fault apparently. I’ve turned them, I’m manipulating them. No responsibility taken by himself. We also don’t know where he is. He was living with his father, we guess now he’s living with her over 60 miles away, but it’s still not his fault. I’m fully to blame. Controls me via money (nthreatening not to pay maintenance, or paying it when it suits him), threatens to turn up whenever he feels like it (he hasn’t, but I did contact the police for advice and he knows this)
You’ve got to stop trying to make him see...he’s not bothered, that would mean looking at himself, and it’s easier to blame you. You’ll never understand why he’s doing this to his own child, and it also drives me crazy trying to work it out. I’m trying to detach, but it’s hard as he won’t sign any papers, negotiate settlements etc.

SandyY2K Sun 07-Jun-20 15:47:32

So he has an affair while in a relationship with you, but isn't happy that you had a relationship when your relationship was over! Ridiculous man.

I'd take your brother up on his offer and cut ties with your ex as much as possible.

I'd pack up and let him know you've left and that he's causing your DC upset by coming and going as he does...so I'd tell him to stay away until he's prepared to be consistent in the contactwith his child.

Darkdiva Sun 07-Jun-20 22:06:22

It is really horrible to think people can behave this way when there are kids involved. Im having a rough night trying to come to terms with it all. I never thought i would be in the position i was in 12 months ago. My little one has been unsettled today and its just something im going to have tp try and get around. I get picked up in a few days to give me a chance to get things together. I just feel so down right now. It's going to be so hard to do this alone but o don't have an alternative. I think its just that I let it happen again that upsetting me so much. It wasn't a bad relationship in anyway until the affair. I suppose it was his midlife crisis. My sister says she will help me try and find a place so i hope things can move forward and I can try to rebuild my life..... Again

OP’s posts: |
Darkdiva Mon 08-Jun-20 05:50:51

I did hear from my ex yesterday. He said he was living in a hostel which I don't believe. Are any open because of the lockdown? I can't seem to get through to him and he makes me feel like i am the worst person in the world. I just asked him to tell me the truth and he is adamant he was. His story keeps changing. I know im going away soon but it doesn't stop this horrible guy wrenching feeling i keep having. No sleep and just not coping

OP’s posts: |
justilou1 Mon 08-Jun-20 12:39:12

Good grief! I don’t believe that he’s been living in a hostel for a second! He’s far too arrogant for that!

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